(aka 'The blog I thought I would never write')
01.26.14
While attempting to enjoy the soulless entertainment of the Grammys, I realized something... something that I may have been feeling for a while but was never quite able to put into words: I hate Taylor Swift.
The Imagine Dragons are in the middle of an epic performance of their smash hit, 'Radioactive', which featured an out-of-his-mind Kendrick Lamar. The energy in the building is oozing out of the screen. Naturally, the producers cut to a shot of Taylor Swift dancing off-beat. I become angry. Up to this point, I had tolerated a lot of her shenanigans, but this was the final straw. I declared my dislike for her in my live blog. I ran her name through the mud whenever she came up in conversation. Soon, it became something everyone knew about me. Actually, it was a PART of me. When discussing me, you had to mention my long-running TV show, my obsession with the Mets, and that I hate Taylor Swift. And you know what? I was PROUD of that. Wore it like a muthafuckin' badge of honor. Captain of the Taylor Swift hate club. That's me.
08.31.14
Every Sunday, I wake up and watch the VH1 Top 20 Countdown. Why? Because I love torture, apparently. It's not too bad... it keeps me in tune with what's going on musically in pop culture. It's my weekend tradition. This particular day, though, my world would be flipped upside down. Forever.
There's a new video on the countdown this week, and guess who it's by? That's right, my arch-rival Taylor Swift. 'Shake It Off'... great. Her pattern of dropping a new album just as her previous one is losing steam is predictable and annoying. Like, can I get one Taylor-free year in this bitch? Whatever. I'll just mean mug through this video and as soon as it ends, I'll give it the tongue-lashing it so rightfully deserves.
Except... I loved it. The song was catchy, the video was funny... it was beautiful. A work of art. My mean mug turned into a smile. My hate disappeared. Butterflies burst out of my stomach. I knew at that moment that I would never be the same again.
But how the hell did this happen? How could she have fooled me all these years? I was so used to her pestering me with her whiny tunes and subpar personality that it completely took me off-guard when she returned with a bang, this time full of charisma and charm. Taylor 2.0 was here, and I was a FAN. 'Shake It Off' instantly became one of my favorite songs, a mainstay on my iPod. The video was in heavy rotation in my household... so much that I wouldn't doubt that I made up about half of her 600 million views on YouTube. Taylor Swift's fan club didn't just get a new member, they got themselves a president.
10.27.14
I don't like modern day music. I used to listen to 100's of albums a year. Now, I'm lucky to get to double digits. It's rare for me to not only listen to an album but anticipate it's release. However, that's what I found myself doing for '1989'. I had been shaking it off for two months now and I was eager to know if the love was real. Secretly, I was hoping I hated the album so I could move on like everything was some giant fluke and return to my sour ways. Except one thing happened.
The album was fuckin' incredible.
I was blown away. Practically every track sounded like a hit. The melodies were infectious. Her accent was adorable. I didn't know what to do with myself. Here I am, a grown man, sitting in front of my laptop, nodding my head to 'Blank Space' like it's classic Biggie. Without a doubt, '1989' was the best album of the year. In any genre. Shit, it's one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. I love Michael Jackson to death and know that no one will ever come close to matching his legacy, but in my heart, '1989' was a modern-day 'Thriller'.
Taylor was in complete promo mode for the remainder of the year... and I couldn't have been happier. My mom fed my obsession, DV-R-ing every Taylor appearance she caught on TV. I posted so many Taylor-related comments on my social media accounts that I lost track. It was complete Taylor-mania.
A funny thing happened along the way, though. Just as I was coming to terms with this new love for Taylor, a new feeling reared it's ugly head. A feeling of... lust. Lust, you say? Really? Taylor is not my prototypical cup of tea. She's tall and lanky, awkward, with very lil trace of a curve on her bony frame. But I didn't care. I wanted nothing more than to climb that pale tree and make sweet love to her. Taylor wasn't just my woman crush Wednesday, she was my woman crush everyday. (#wce) You can have Beyoncé... keep Kate Upton... gimme some Taylor and gimme a whole lot of her.
02.17.15
The year has changed, my feelings have not. Still a huge fan of Taylor Swift. Still listening to '1989'. Still want to have her baby. Seeing her on Jimmy Fallon recently re-affirmed everything. She is all I have ever wanted, and more.
Do I remember who I used to be? Honestly, no. The person I was a year ago seems like a stranger. To be honest, I don't wish to imagine a world where I did not love this woman. So now, when you're discussing me, do me a favor. I know you'll mention my long-running TV show and you'll touch on my obsession with the Mets, but don't forget the most important detail of all... that I love Taylor Swift.
Showing posts with label Grammys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grammys. Show all posts
Monday, February 23, 2015
Sunday, February 8, 2015
LIVE 2015 GRAMMY COMMENTARY!
(All times in EST)
7:30 PM: Last year, I got the brilliant(?) idea to post a live-streaming blog of the 2014 Grammys. And boy, did it suck the life out of me. I had no idea that bitch was three and a half hours long. WTF? However, it was a huge success, and to this day, it has the most views of any blog post I have ever done.
So guess what? I'M BACK FOR MORE.
I will be going live at 8 PM, when the show starts. Reminder in case you weren't part of the epic experience last year: Stay on this link, refresh every few minutes, new material will appear, you will be entertained... I hope.
You know the sub-plots by now... will Sam Smith clean house? Which creepy, old dude will come out as a surprise guest? And how much will my love forTaylor Swift grow? Find out in 30 mins.!
8:01 PM: Lights, cameras, action, muthafuckas! LL Cool J, our host for the fourth year, starts off the program sounding like he's on speed. And the opening act... AC/DC. For the first time in years! Blah. Looks like we've already filled our creepy, old guy quota for the night. But I'll be damned if these seniors ain't rocking out.
8:04 PM: The lead singer is wearing a crusty kangol, a tight black tee and even tighter black pants. And everyone in the audience is wearing devil's horns. 'Highway To Hell' is right. Even Satan would be afraid to be in attendance.
8:07 PM: Yup, LL still sucks as a host. I think he's even worse than last year.
8:09 PM: TAYLOR SWIFT! YESSSSSSS! My heartbeat just accelerated.
8:10 PM: And the first award of the night, Best New Artist, goes to... Sam Smith. Probably the least shocking thing we'll see tonight, as he was a certified lock to win this award. Who did I want to win? Anyone other than that fraud Iggy.
8:17 PM: Anna Kendrick, the white chick I like, just introduced Ariana Grande, the white chick I can't stand. Wouldn't be surprised if I'm not deaf in at least one ear after this debacle.
8:19 PM: What the hell does Big Sean find attractive about this chick? She looks like she's 13. Never have the Grammy's felt more like a Junior High School prom.
8:21 PM: Tom Jones in the building! It should be mandatory for Alphonso Ribeiro to accompany him wherever he goes and do the Carlton dance. The guy just won 'Dancing With The Stars'... show him some freakin' respect.
8:24 PM: Has to be mentioned: The OG Tommy Jones is rocking that white afro real tough.
8:26 PM: Best Pop Solo Performance time! Hoping for Taylor Swift or Pharrell. And the winner is... 'HAPPY'! FUCK YEAH! My favorite song of 2014! (Go read the blog later) So last year, Pharrell made a fashion statement with his humongous hat. This year, he looks normal... from the waist up. Very sharp jacket, and you know I'm pro-bow tie. But then he's sporting basketball shorts? Why do you do the things that you do, P?
8:33 PM: Mrs. Black Shelton, Miranda Lambert, is about to perform, and she actually looks attractive. The song, about her lil red wagon, blows cock, though.
8:35 PM: They're like wooooooo! They're like ahhhhhh! OK maybe it's growing on me.
8:37 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album is about to go down, presented by that acapella group who's name I can never get right and a mummified Barry Gibbs. And it's Sam Smith, again. Looks like the big night for the male Adele is getting started. Am I the only one who thinks he looks nothing like he sounds like? When I first heard him, I thought there was a chance he might be a brotha. Or at least a husky, bearded hipster. Slightly disappointed he looks like a syrupy sissy.
8:44 PM: Kanye West just hit the stage, surprisingly for the first time in six years. He's singing a song Paul McCartney wrote, which means it will probably win a Grammy next year. You know those Grammy bastards love anything Beatles.
8:47 PM: Sir Paul has to be regretting the fact he gave this song to Kanye. I can't even tell if it's a well-written song or not because Kanye's auto-tuned vocals are taking a giant shit all over it.
8:48 PM: Two of the industry's biggest puppets, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj, introduce the queen puppet, Madonna. Let the demonic symbolism commence!
8:49 PM: Dancers with horns? Check. Hell mention in the song? Check. Way to be subtle.
8:50 PM: We've officially reached the point where Madonna looks like the old chick at the club. I'm fully expecting her to start yelling 'DOORMAN' at any moment. Watching her thrust her decrepit pelvis out is making me uncomfortable.
8:55 PM: Best Rock Album is about to be announced, and I could care less who wins. Beck wins. Whoopie.
9:02 PM: Shocker... another Beatle wins an award. This time, George Harrison wins a Lifetime Achievement Award. Niles Rogers presents, looking like Lil Wayne in about 30 years. along with Smokey Robinson, who's eyes could not be opened wider.
9:04 PM: Best R&B Performance is given to Beyoncé. She's still getting awards? Seems like that album came out 3 years ago already.
9:05 PM: Funky ginger, aka Ed Sheeran, is on now. Does this dude ever comb his hair?
9:06 PM: I just realized that he says that he'll love the woman until she's 70. I always thought he was saying 17, which would've made this the official anthem for pedophiles worldwide.
9:09 PM: Forgot to say that he's joined on stage by John Mayer, who's proof that you could play that innocent, good guy role and still be a douchebag who catches mad bodies.
9:11 PM: I would say my musical expertise is on point, but I can say with a clear conscious that I have no idea who's on stage right now. Paul McCartney is excited so I'm guessing he's somewhat of a big deal, but I can't get past the fact that he looks like the love child of John Goodman and Ringo Starr (yes, another Beatles reference).
9:14 PM: Looks like it's the Electric Light Orchestra, for those who were waiting on the edge of their seats for me to figure that out.
9:15 PM: Ryan Seacrest, of 'American Idol' fame, introduces Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani, of 'The Voice'. I smell some reality singing competition show beef.
9:17 PM: Very cool song... but with all the upbeat hits that Ed Sheeran and Maroon 5 have, it's odd that they both sang ballads tonight. Someone better get this party started soon because I can't wait any longer to twerk.
9:25 PM: Awwww shit! My Hozier jam, 'Take Me To Church' is on now. Sprinkle some holy water all over these devils, my dude.
9:28 PM: Annie Lennox joins him and unlike most of these collaborations, she adds instead of subtracting. She's screaming 'AMEN' like she's about to catch the Holy Ghost. Goosebumps begin to form. We officially have a front runner for performance of the night.
9:31 PM: The Annie Lennox takeover is in full effect. WOW. For a woman who was just screaming 'Amen' a few minutes ago, she looks fuckin' possessed out her mind right now. This one is gonna be hard to beat.
9:32 PM: So Nick Jonas, who's song 'Jealous' I despise, is presenting for the genre I loathe the most, Best Country Album. Thank God Megan Trainor's sexy little Jewish ass is there next to him to distract me.
9:33 PM: Miranda Lambert wins. Blake looks on, creepily.
9:34 PM: The Weeknd comes out, who apparently my mom has never heard of, as she asks me why he doesn't like the weekdays. I don't know, Mom. I don't know.
9:35 PM: My brother Pharrell is up, looking like an usher. No, not Usher. An actual usher. From the theater. He may be happy... to show you to your seat. This ensemble also includes shorts, again. I'm guessing it's like 120 degrees over there since Pharrell refuses to wear pants.
9:36 PM: FINALLY! It's 'Happy' time! *starts twerking*
9:37 PM: In a mere six minutes, Hozier has some serious competition. Skateboard P!
9:44 PM: Obama talking about domestic violence. He's a week late if he wanted to reach the right audience.
9:47 PM: A spoken word from a domestic violence victim is followed by Katy Perry. All jokes aside, men that beat their women are cowards. One of my favorite artists of all-time, the late, GREAT 2 Pac, put it better than I ever could:
'And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women'
- 2 Pac 'Keep Ya Head Up'
BTW, if you're not impressed by how fast I pulled up that quote, then I don't know what to tell you.
9:52 PM: Katy did well, although I was kind of expecting Missy Elliott to be incorporated somehow. I'm spoiled.
9:55 PM: My mom and I are trying to figure out if this Imagine Dragons performance is part of the actual show. Turns out it was a commercial. Shit, even on a commercial break I can't relax.
10:00 PM: Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett reviving an American classic. I'm 99% sure Gaga is a demon, but hot damn she looks GOOD. I would say that I would hit that but her vagina may have teeth. I'm also convinced that Tony Bennett was forced to do this duet album, but he can't say anything because maybe someone has revealing pictures of him or something. A wrinkly dick pic, perhaps? Tony, blink twice if you're being forced to do this.
10:03 PM: The performances are coming non-stop this year. My fingers are cramping up hardcore. Can a brother get a moment to breathe? This time, Usher is doing a Stevie Wonder tribute. A tall order, for sure, as Stevie is one of the all-time greats. Dude is one of the last living legends around.
10:06 PM: OK, I know I just said Stevie is a legend... but he just came out, and he's the size of a fuckin' house. Somebody get this dude a copy of Insanity and a Planet Fitness membership quick. I gotta give him credit, though... those dreads are still hanging in there, albeit barely.
10:13 PM: Country performance. Time for a water break.
10:21 PM: Country crap is over, and now the performance I was really anticipating is on. Rihanna, Yeezy, Sir Paul. Unlike the last song Kanye sang, 'Four Five Seconds' hits the mark and looks like an early contender to be on my favorite songs of 2015 list.
10:23 PM: Rihanna is grabbing her balls.
10:24 PM: For a song that just came out, I'm impressed that so many people in the audience knew the words. Granted, two of those people were Kim Kardashian and Paul McCartney's wife, but still.
10:30 PM: TAYLOR! That's my boo, yo. And to think, at last year's show, I was beyond irritated with her. But is she not gonna perform? Really? I'm ready to shake it off in this bitch.
10:31 PM: The man of the night, Sam Smith, sings his monster hit, 'Stay With Me'. If they film another 'American Pie', Sam can definitely take on the role of Paul Finch.
10:32 PM: The queen of hip-hop soul, Mary J. Blige, joins him onstage, and the pairing seems natural. Mary J. is trying her best not to outshine the new jack, and she succeeds.
10:35 PM: Jane The Virgin introduces Juanes. Where my Latinos at? We bout to turn this into a Colombian fiesta.
10:37 PM: I have no idea what he is saying. The only word I can make it is the name of the song, 'Juntos', which means together. I think. I have failed as a Latino. To be fair, he is singing REALLY fast. Slow down, you show-off.
10:39 PM: Prince! Looking like a creamsicle. Not a great fashion night for music's legends.
10:41 PM: OK, the awards are heavy now. Album of the year, one of the night's biggest awards, is about to be given out... to BECK?! Didn't they give this award last year to Daft Punk, the duo with the doofy helmets that can't even speak? I swear they're intentionally picking the least entertaining artist to take home the hardware.
10:42 PM: Did Kanye really pretend like he was going to go onstage to pull a... Kanye? As obnoxious as he's been in the past, this time it would've been justified. And no, I haven't heard Beck's album... but it's BECK! Come on, son.
10:49 PM: Sia is hiding her face yet again. Her reason for not exposing her identity is that she believes music should be more about substance than image, and I love that. But have you googled a picture of Sia? Do it, there's pics of her out there. Yeah, now you know the real reason why she's hiding.
10:50 PM: Kristin Wig? No way! Kind of hard for me to take this performance seriously with one of SNL's funniest ladies doing an interpretive dance but because I have an undercover crush on her, I approve.
10:53: Song of the year time. No more joking around. A lot of big players in this, including mi corazon, Taylor. And the Grammy goes to... Sam Smith. Zzzzzz. Paul Finch, report to the stage one more time.
10:58 PM: Just wanted to mention that during the commercial break, my mom is PISSED over Sia's performance. Apparently, this stems from Sia having her back to the audience. Among the words she used to describe this are 'stupid' and 'rude'. I'm so happy I have her here to share her expert analysis.
11:03 PM: If Beck and Chris Martin want to have a snooze fest, why not do it at the beginning of the show? I'm fatigued, people. I've been blogging for three hours! I'm about to knock out.
11:06 PM: Stevie's back. No more fat jokes, I promise.
11:07 PM: How did he get so big, though? I feel like this happened quickly. Maybe he was hiding all that fluffiness behind his piano all these years?
11:08 PM: Sam Smith wins Record of the year. I don't even care anymore. I need a snack.
11:15 PM: Oh, great. It's that boring, bearded guy who talks every year about making sure music doesn't become extinct. Until the quality of music improves, I'm illegally downloading all that shit. Middle finger to the industry, ya heard.
11:18 PM: Now we remember those no longer with us. Some heavy hitters here... Joe Cocker, Bobby Womack, Robin Williams, Maya Angelou, Little Jimmy Dickens. No, I have no idea who Little Jimmy Dickens is, but when you have a name like that, I don't care if you're dead or alive, I'm putting you in my blog.
11:28 PM: It's Beyoncé's turn to perform but I gotta be honest... I am running out of steam. We still have another performance after this and you see the time. And yes, it's another ballad. Let me get my Mets blanket, I'm fading quickly.
11:30 PM: She sang wonderfully. Or at least I imagined she did.
11:31 PM: It finally looks it's send-off time, and this one looks like a winner. John Legend, Common, 'Glory' from 'Selma'. This is powerful music. If the industry released substance like this on a more consistent basis, we wouldn't need that bearded buffoon to tell us to support the industry. How about the industry supports us with some good music for the mind and soul? Something with meaning?
11:37 PM: Show is over. At least I think it is. Or hope it is. But I made it! Man, this isn't easy. But it might be harder to read this and keep up with the frequent updates, so if you got to this point, I sincerely thank you. Or as Sam Smith would say, thank you for 'staying with me'. Corny, I know, but what do you want? It's almost midnight! Goodnight, familia.
7:30 PM: Last year, I got the brilliant(?) idea to post a live-streaming blog of the 2014 Grammys. And boy, did it suck the life out of me. I had no idea that bitch was three and a half hours long. WTF? However, it was a huge success, and to this day, it has the most views of any blog post I have ever done.
So guess what? I'M BACK FOR MORE.
I will be going live at 8 PM, when the show starts. Reminder in case you weren't part of the epic experience last year: Stay on this link, refresh every few minutes, new material will appear, you will be entertained... I hope.
You know the sub-plots by now... will Sam Smith clean house? Which creepy, old dude will come out as a surprise guest? And how much will my love forTaylor Swift grow? Find out in 30 mins.!
8:01 PM: Lights, cameras, action, muthafuckas! LL Cool J, our host for the fourth year, starts off the program sounding like he's on speed. And the opening act... AC/DC. For the first time in years! Blah. Looks like we've already filled our creepy, old guy quota for the night. But I'll be damned if these seniors ain't rocking out.
8:04 PM: The lead singer is wearing a crusty kangol, a tight black tee and even tighter black pants. And everyone in the audience is wearing devil's horns. 'Highway To Hell' is right. Even Satan would be afraid to be in attendance.
8:07 PM: Yup, LL still sucks as a host. I think he's even worse than last year.
8:09 PM: TAYLOR SWIFT! YESSSSSSS! My heartbeat just accelerated.
8:10 PM: And the first award of the night, Best New Artist, goes to... Sam Smith. Probably the least shocking thing we'll see tonight, as he was a certified lock to win this award. Who did I want to win? Anyone other than that fraud Iggy.
8:17 PM: Anna Kendrick, the white chick I like, just introduced Ariana Grande, the white chick I can't stand. Wouldn't be surprised if I'm not deaf in at least one ear after this debacle.
8:19 PM: What the hell does Big Sean find attractive about this chick? She looks like she's 13. Never have the Grammy's felt more like a Junior High School prom.
8:21 PM: Tom Jones in the building! It should be mandatory for Alphonso Ribeiro to accompany him wherever he goes and do the Carlton dance. The guy just won 'Dancing With The Stars'... show him some freakin' respect.
8:24 PM: Has to be mentioned: The OG Tommy Jones is rocking that white afro real tough.
8:26 PM: Best Pop Solo Performance time! Hoping for Taylor Swift or Pharrell. And the winner is... 'HAPPY'! FUCK YEAH! My favorite song of 2014! (Go read the blog later) So last year, Pharrell made a fashion statement with his humongous hat. This year, he looks normal... from the waist up. Very sharp jacket, and you know I'm pro-bow tie. But then he's sporting basketball shorts? Why do you do the things that you do, P?
8:33 PM: Mrs. Black Shelton, Miranda Lambert, is about to perform, and she actually looks attractive. The song, about her lil red wagon, blows cock, though.
8:35 PM: They're like wooooooo! They're like ahhhhhh! OK maybe it's growing on me.
8:37 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album is about to go down, presented by that acapella group who's name I can never get right and a mummified Barry Gibbs. And it's Sam Smith, again. Looks like the big night for the male Adele is getting started. Am I the only one who thinks he looks nothing like he sounds like? When I first heard him, I thought there was a chance he might be a brotha. Or at least a husky, bearded hipster. Slightly disappointed he looks like a syrupy sissy.
8:44 PM: Kanye West just hit the stage, surprisingly for the first time in six years. He's singing a song Paul McCartney wrote, which means it will probably win a Grammy next year. You know those Grammy bastards love anything Beatles.
8:47 PM: Sir Paul has to be regretting the fact he gave this song to Kanye. I can't even tell if it's a well-written song or not because Kanye's auto-tuned vocals are taking a giant shit all over it.
8:48 PM: Two of the industry's biggest puppets, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj, introduce the queen puppet, Madonna. Let the demonic symbolism commence!
8:49 PM: Dancers with horns? Check. Hell mention in the song? Check. Way to be subtle.
8:50 PM: We've officially reached the point where Madonna looks like the old chick at the club. I'm fully expecting her to start yelling 'DOORMAN' at any moment. Watching her thrust her decrepit pelvis out is making me uncomfortable.
8:55 PM: Best Rock Album is about to be announced, and I could care less who wins. Beck wins. Whoopie.
9:02 PM: Shocker... another Beatle wins an award. This time, George Harrison wins a Lifetime Achievement Award. Niles Rogers presents, looking like Lil Wayne in about 30 years. along with Smokey Robinson, who's eyes could not be opened wider.
9:04 PM: Best R&B Performance is given to Beyoncé. She's still getting awards? Seems like that album came out 3 years ago already.
9:05 PM: Funky ginger, aka Ed Sheeran, is on now. Does this dude ever comb his hair?
9:06 PM: I just realized that he says that he'll love the woman until she's 70. I always thought he was saying 17, which would've made this the official anthem for pedophiles worldwide.
9:09 PM: Forgot to say that he's joined on stage by John Mayer, who's proof that you could play that innocent, good guy role and still be a douchebag who catches mad bodies.
9:11 PM: I would say my musical expertise is on point, but I can say with a clear conscious that I have no idea who's on stage right now. Paul McCartney is excited so I'm guessing he's somewhat of a big deal, but I can't get past the fact that he looks like the love child of John Goodman and Ringo Starr (yes, another Beatles reference).
9:14 PM: Looks like it's the Electric Light Orchestra, for those who were waiting on the edge of their seats for me to figure that out.
9:15 PM: Ryan Seacrest, of 'American Idol' fame, introduces Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani, of 'The Voice'. I smell some reality singing competition show beef.
9:17 PM: Very cool song... but with all the upbeat hits that Ed Sheeran and Maroon 5 have, it's odd that they both sang ballads tonight. Someone better get this party started soon because I can't wait any longer to twerk.
9:25 PM: Awwww shit! My Hozier jam, 'Take Me To Church' is on now. Sprinkle some holy water all over these devils, my dude.
9:28 PM: Annie Lennox joins him and unlike most of these collaborations, she adds instead of subtracting. She's screaming 'AMEN' like she's about to catch the Holy Ghost. Goosebumps begin to form. We officially have a front runner for performance of the night.
9:31 PM: The Annie Lennox takeover is in full effect. WOW. For a woman who was just screaming 'Amen' a few minutes ago, she looks fuckin' possessed out her mind right now. This one is gonna be hard to beat.
9:32 PM: So Nick Jonas, who's song 'Jealous' I despise, is presenting for the genre I loathe the most, Best Country Album. Thank God Megan Trainor's sexy little Jewish ass is there next to him to distract me.
9:33 PM: Miranda Lambert wins. Blake looks on, creepily.
9:34 PM: The Weeknd comes out, who apparently my mom has never heard of, as she asks me why he doesn't like the weekdays. I don't know, Mom. I don't know.
9:35 PM: My brother Pharrell is up, looking like an usher. No, not Usher. An actual usher. From the theater. He may be happy... to show you to your seat. This ensemble also includes shorts, again. I'm guessing it's like 120 degrees over there since Pharrell refuses to wear pants.
9:36 PM: FINALLY! It's 'Happy' time! *starts twerking*
9:37 PM: In a mere six minutes, Hozier has some serious competition. Skateboard P!
9:44 PM: Obama talking about domestic violence. He's a week late if he wanted to reach the right audience.
9:47 PM: A spoken word from a domestic violence victim is followed by Katy Perry. All jokes aside, men that beat their women are cowards. One of my favorite artists of all-time, the late, GREAT 2 Pac, put it better than I ever could:
'And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women'
- 2 Pac 'Keep Ya Head Up'
BTW, if you're not impressed by how fast I pulled up that quote, then I don't know what to tell you.
9:52 PM: Katy did well, although I was kind of expecting Missy Elliott to be incorporated somehow. I'm spoiled.
9:55 PM: My mom and I are trying to figure out if this Imagine Dragons performance is part of the actual show. Turns out it was a commercial. Shit, even on a commercial break I can't relax.
10:00 PM: Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett reviving an American classic. I'm 99% sure Gaga is a demon, but hot damn she looks GOOD. I would say that I would hit that but her vagina may have teeth. I'm also convinced that Tony Bennett was forced to do this duet album, but he can't say anything because maybe someone has revealing pictures of him or something. A wrinkly dick pic, perhaps? Tony, blink twice if you're being forced to do this.
10:03 PM: The performances are coming non-stop this year. My fingers are cramping up hardcore. Can a brother get a moment to breathe? This time, Usher is doing a Stevie Wonder tribute. A tall order, for sure, as Stevie is one of the all-time greats. Dude is one of the last living legends around.
10:06 PM: OK, I know I just said Stevie is a legend... but he just came out, and he's the size of a fuckin' house. Somebody get this dude a copy of Insanity and a Planet Fitness membership quick. I gotta give him credit, though... those dreads are still hanging in there, albeit barely.
10:13 PM: Country performance. Time for a water break.
10:21 PM: Country crap is over, and now the performance I was really anticipating is on. Rihanna, Yeezy, Sir Paul. Unlike the last song Kanye sang, 'Four Five Seconds' hits the mark and looks like an early contender to be on my favorite songs of 2015 list.
10:23 PM: Rihanna is grabbing her balls.
10:24 PM: For a song that just came out, I'm impressed that so many people in the audience knew the words. Granted, two of those people were Kim Kardashian and Paul McCartney's wife, but still.
10:30 PM: TAYLOR! That's my boo, yo. And to think, at last year's show, I was beyond irritated with her. But is she not gonna perform? Really? I'm ready to shake it off in this bitch.
10:31 PM: The man of the night, Sam Smith, sings his monster hit, 'Stay With Me'. If they film another 'American Pie', Sam can definitely take on the role of Paul Finch.
10:32 PM: The queen of hip-hop soul, Mary J. Blige, joins him onstage, and the pairing seems natural. Mary J. is trying her best not to outshine the new jack, and she succeeds.
10:35 PM: Jane The Virgin introduces Juanes. Where my Latinos at? We bout to turn this into a Colombian fiesta.
10:37 PM: I have no idea what he is saying. The only word I can make it is the name of the song, 'Juntos', which means together. I think. I have failed as a Latino. To be fair, he is singing REALLY fast. Slow down, you show-off.
10:39 PM: Prince! Looking like a creamsicle. Not a great fashion night for music's legends.
10:41 PM: OK, the awards are heavy now. Album of the year, one of the night's biggest awards, is about to be given out... to BECK?! Didn't they give this award last year to Daft Punk, the duo with the doofy helmets that can't even speak? I swear they're intentionally picking the least entertaining artist to take home the hardware.
10:42 PM: Did Kanye really pretend like he was going to go onstage to pull a... Kanye? As obnoxious as he's been in the past, this time it would've been justified. And no, I haven't heard Beck's album... but it's BECK! Come on, son.
10:49 PM: Sia is hiding her face yet again. Her reason for not exposing her identity is that she believes music should be more about substance than image, and I love that. But have you googled a picture of Sia? Do it, there's pics of her out there. Yeah, now you know the real reason why she's hiding.
10:50 PM: Kristin Wig? No way! Kind of hard for me to take this performance seriously with one of SNL's funniest ladies doing an interpretive dance but because I have an undercover crush on her, I approve.
10:53: Song of the year time. No more joking around. A lot of big players in this, including mi corazon, Taylor. And the Grammy goes to... Sam Smith. Zzzzzz. Paul Finch, report to the stage one more time.
10:58 PM: Just wanted to mention that during the commercial break, my mom is PISSED over Sia's performance. Apparently, this stems from Sia having her back to the audience. Among the words she used to describe this are 'stupid' and 'rude'. I'm so happy I have her here to share her expert analysis.
11:03 PM: If Beck and Chris Martin want to have a snooze fest, why not do it at the beginning of the show? I'm fatigued, people. I've been blogging for three hours! I'm about to knock out.
11:06 PM: Stevie's back. No more fat jokes, I promise.
11:07 PM: How did he get so big, though? I feel like this happened quickly. Maybe he was hiding all that fluffiness behind his piano all these years?
11:08 PM: Sam Smith wins Record of the year. I don't even care anymore. I need a snack.
11:15 PM: Oh, great. It's that boring, bearded guy who talks every year about making sure music doesn't become extinct. Until the quality of music improves, I'm illegally downloading all that shit. Middle finger to the industry, ya heard.
11:18 PM: Now we remember those no longer with us. Some heavy hitters here... Joe Cocker, Bobby Womack, Robin Williams, Maya Angelou, Little Jimmy Dickens. No, I have no idea who Little Jimmy Dickens is, but when you have a name like that, I don't care if you're dead or alive, I'm putting you in my blog.
11:28 PM: It's Beyoncé's turn to perform but I gotta be honest... I am running out of steam. We still have another performance after this and you see the time. And yes, it's another ballad. Let me get my Mets blanket, I'm fading quickly.
11:30 PM: She sang wonderfully. Or at least I imagined she did.
11:31 PM: It finally looks it's send-off time, and this one looks like a winner. John Legend, Common, 'Glory' from 'Selma'. This is powerful music. If the industry released substance like this on a more consistent basis, we wouldn't need that bearded buffoon to tell us to support the industry. How about the industry supports us with some good music for the mind and soul? Something with meaning?
11:37 PM: Show is over. At least I think it is. Or hope it is. But I made it! Man, this isn't easy. But it might be harder to read this and keep up with the frequent updates, so if you got to this point, I sincerely thank you. Or as Sam Smith would say, thank you for 'staying with me'. Corny, I know, but what do you want? It's almost midnight! Goodnight, familia.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
LIVE GRAMMY COMMENTARY!
(All times in EST)
7:55 PM: I was going back-n-forth on whether or not to do this but eff it, LETS DO THIS!
While you watch the Grammys (or during a commercial... or tomorrow? Shit, please find SOME time), you can check in here and read my commentary from this music-filled fuck fest. I'll be doing this LIVE, so I understand this may be challenging, but I will try my best to keep up. And if I keep up, y'all muthafuckas better keep up as well!
Simply stay on this link and refresh every few minutes and you should see some new material from your boy. Hope I keep you entertained!
8:01 PM: It's showtime! And we start with... Beyoncé. Blah. I'm sure I'm in the minority but I could go a few years without hearing from her. Not that she's not talented, just over-exposed. Everything in moderation, you know? She's singing 'Drunk In Love' so you know Jay is coming out. And he does, in a dapper tux. Oddly enough, although they're married, it looks like they don't know each other.Where's the chemistry? Jay even hesitated to grab her ass. Man, get a handful of that culo, playa! If you don't, I will!
8:08 PM: As much as I'm sick of Beyoncé, I wouldn't mind seeing her perform over hearing LL Cool J host. I love you L, you're one of the best MC's of all-time, but damn, we can't find a better, more entertaining host? Dude is cardboard.
8:11 PM: Pharrell has a giant piece of shit on his head. WTF man.
8:13 PM: First major award goes to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for Best New Artist. Over Kendrick Lamar, which, if you're a hip-hop head, is an outrage. I have mixed feelings on them. Love the messages in some of their songs but they're still a bit corny in conveying them.
8:16 PM: Ahhh shit, my bitch Lorde is performing. Wait, isn't this chick like 17 years old? She looks 35. And why is she convulsing on stage? That ain't cute, boo. Somebody get the holy water and sprinkle some on her. She looks possessed. And she's holding her mic while doing the triple 6 gesture. There is a 96% chance this performance is going to give me nightmares tonight.
8:25 PM: Commercial break over. And now I'm listening to the whining of some country cockhead named Hunter Hayes. Actually, he's aight, but enough with the non-bullying shit already. I understand it exists and it's a horrible thing but I think there's too much focus on the bad-asses out there and not enough on toughening up those who get bullied. But I digress.
8:29 PM: Always been oddly attracted to Anna Farris. And Anna Kendrick, too. They both currently occupy bench spots on my snowflake all-star team.
8:30 PM: Best Pop Duo award goes to Daft Punk and... Pharrell! We get to see that ridiculous hat again! Poor Pharrell is forced to talk because Daft Punk always rocks ginormous helmets. Are we sure there's actually people in those helmets? Remind me to google 'Daft Punk without helmets on' after the show.
8:32 PM: Obligatory Beatles shout-out. (Second of the night, I might add)
8:33 PM: Normally, I would be breaking out in hives because Katy Perry is about to perform but she's doing the one song from her that I actually like, 'Dark Horse'. Shit, I can't lie, I love this shit. Was very disappointed when I shazamed this and found out it was her. But life goes on.
8:35 PM: Juicy J sighting! An Oscar, and now sharing the stage with Katy Perry. He's one of the funniest dudes I've ever interviewed. And one of my few ignorant guilty pleasures. If I'm gonna dumb out, give me some Juicy J or 2 Chainz. I also enjoy how every song he does has a 'yeah hoe' chant in the background. Very classy.
8:43 PM: My mom is being a major groupie now that Chicago is performing. Or at least I hope it's because of Chicago because if it's for Robin Thicke, I'm gonna hurl. Thicke is going through some of the finest tracks in Chicago's catalog, which is cool 'cause he's performing with them, but after tonight he should only be allowed to perform 'Blurred Lines'. Like really, dude. I don't wanna hear you sing anything else.
8:46 PM: OK now we're talking! 'Blurred Lines!' *starts twerking* I love this shit. And with Chicago's horn section? Epic. Too bad he only did the one-minute version of it. I was really looking forward to seeing a third appearance from Pharrell's hat.
8:48 PM: Mr. Nicole Kidman is singing softly now. We can't go from Robin Thicke getting the crowd amped to Keith Urban putting everyone to sleep. Horrible transition. Not that I can hear any of this because my mom is reminiscing about all the Chicago concerts she's gone to. When she's done, we're both wondering who the black guy on stage is.
8:58 PM: Back after a much-needed extended commercial (my poor paws are killing me) and we got John Legend on the keys. Kind of amazing that he's been out for over a decade already. Not someone I associate with longevity but he's been in the game for a minute. He's singing 'All Of Me' which is a lovely tune, but I find it amusing that when they attempted to put the spotlight on his wife in the audience, they also captured some angry Danny Glover-looking dude, too. #LightingFail
9:01 PM: So apparently that black dude on stage earlier was Gary Clark, Jr. And yes, I only know that because they just showed him in the Best Rock category.
9:03 PM: It's pretty much a guarantee that if you feature Paul McCartney on your song, you're winning a grammy. This theory is proven correctly by Dave Grohl, as he just took home the Best Rock award. Any artist that wants some of that golden hardware, holla at the Sir.
9:06 PM: Oh joy, Taylor Swift! What's this bitch crying about now? I swear she drops something new every year just so she could perform at this show. How many years running has she been here? Five? Ten? I must say, I appreciate the fact the camera isn't on her during other artists' performances. I couldn't take her off-beat moves any longer. Huge improvement over last year.
9:09 PM: Love how she keeps swinging her head backwards. Makes her seem so edgy. Look at you, Taylor... living so dangerously!
9:16 PM: Back after another break and we got Pink performing. This chick's always performing in the air. I haven't seen a Pink performance on land in ages. And people in the audience are spinning her for no apparent reason. I'm confused.
9:19 PM: Pink has landed! Thank goodness. And now some topless beefcake is tossing her around. She can't catch a break.
9:20 PM: Nate Ruess from Fun joins Pink and boy, is he looking like a pedophile. Three quarters of the criminals on SVU look just like him. Creeper. Meanwhile, Pink is understandably out of breath after doing acrobatics and wrestling with some half-naked ogre. But she comes through and delivers a decent performance.
9:22 PM: Ladies, guard the back of your heads... Miguel is here! This dude should be forced to wear flip-flops to every award show, just in case he gets any ideas.
9:24 PM: Best Pop Solo award goes to Lorde. WTF, she looks older than when she performed earlier. She's the anti-Benjamin Button. By the end of the show, she's gonna look like Betty White.
9:30 PM: Why would you even attempt to have Ozzy Osbourne present anything? It's clear he's not even sure where he is. Mumbling muthafucka.
9:31 PM: It's Ringo Starr time, and as much respect as I have for the Beetles, this is looking like nap time. See y'all in a few.
9:35 PM: Just woke-up, and just in time, too. It's Rap/Sung Collabo award time, and it goes to... wait, Jamie Foxx just said he wants to apologize to Jay-Z for staring at Beyoncé... then Jay wins for 'Holy Grail' featuring JT. Awkward! Jay makes a joke about telling Blue Ivy that daddy's grammy will be a gold sippy cup for her. What an elitist. *rolls eyes*
9:44 PM: Back from the break and got damn... it's Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamar. And they are RIPPING IT! This shit just started and it's already the front-runner for best performance of the night. I clearly spoke too quickly about the Taylor Swift shots, though. For some reason, CBS thinks it's a great idea to show her bouncing off-beat and making an assface out of herself. But even her uncoordinated ass can't ruin this performance.
9:48 PM: It's official: I just added Kendrick to my extremely short list of artists I want to see live. And bring Imagine Dragons on the road with you. Wow. When Jay ever decides to leave rap alone for good, Kendrick is looking like the guy to carry the torch.
9:50: Naturally, after that display of energetic adrenaline, we get some chick named Kacey Musgraves (I had to google her name to make sure I got it right) boring us to death. Typical Grammy fashion. It's clear that whoever produces this show is not a DJ. Worst transitions ever.
10:00 PM: Julia Roberts talking about... the Beatles. Surprise! It's like, damn... all these Beatles mentions and that Ringo Starr performance. I'm surprised Paul McCartney hasn't performed tonight.
10:01 PM: Never mind. Of COURSE he's performing. And with Ringo Starr, nonetheless. My mom mentions that Paul was always her favorite Beatle. Thank you Mom, for all your wonderful insight. Where would I be without that piece of valuable information?
10:04 PM: Look at Yoko Ono getting down. All 74 pounds of her. Adorbs!
10:06 PM: Pharrell won producer of the year! The hat! Ahhhh!
10:06 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album up now. If Bruno Mars doesn't win, I'm rioting.
10:07 PM: YESSSSS!!! BRUNO!!! Now THAT is a well-deserved award. You know I hate pretty much everything, but that is a cool ass album. And did I mention I saw him in concert last year? Oh I did? Well I just said it again. Deal with it, sucka!
10:16 PM: Legendary stoner Willie Nelson on stage. I'd rather be lighting one up with him than listening to him sing.
10:17 PM: Great, now he's joined by three more country dudes. The only one I know is Blake Shelton, and the only words I made out were a few drug references. I'm lost.
10:20 PM: Imagine Dragons are covered in blood, nodding their heads to this country catastrophe. This makes no sense.
10:22 PM: Best Country Album time, and naturally, I'm pulling for Blake Shelton because A) he's one of the only ones I know, B) he's hilarious on 'The Voice', and C) I can't tolerate any more Taylor Swift.
10:23 PM: That Kacey Musgraves chick wins, which is the Grammys way of saying 'our bad for having you follow the most epic performance of the night.'
10:25 PM: If nobody's made a 'Pharrell's Hat' handle on Twitter yet, I'd be highly surprised. The one he's sporting now for his 'Get Lucky' performance w/ Daft Punk, Le Chic and Stevie Wonder(!!!) is not as extreme as the other. But he's still in Indiana Jones territory, and not in a good way.
10:28 PM: Ahhhh FREAK OUT!
10:29 PM: Is there any hope for white people when Paul McCartney snaps his fingers off-beat?
10:30 PM: The crowd is rocking out, and dammit, so am I! Funky-licious. So funky that apparently Steven Tyler thinks he's in a congo line. Most of the time, these Grammy collaborations are disasters but tonight, the Kendrick/Imagine Dragons and Pharrell/Stevie Wonder pairings were perfection.
10:36 PM: Cyndi Lauper tripping over her words. Nothing to see here.
10:37 PM: Carole King's performing tonight too? Between Chicago, Paul and this curly-haired cougar, my mom's head may explode. At least I'm hoping she's a cougar, because any woman that can perform with Sara Bareilles and not make me projectile vomit has to be at least mildly attractive.
10:40 PM: Song of the year! This is a biggie! You know I'm Team Bruno!
10:41 PM: Lorde wins for 'Royals'. How can I be mad at that? That was my favorite song of 2013 (and yes, that was a not-so-subtle push to get you to read my 'Favorite 40 Songs of 2013' blog if you haven't already). Lorde's co-songwriter joins her on stage and calls her by her real name, Ella. She soooo looks like an Ella.
10:49 PM: Oh look, it's that poser Jared Leto! Is he still pretending to be a bad-ass? That dude is softer than a marshmellow.
10:50 PM: This Asian dude is catching wreck on the piano! He looks to be of average height, which is interesting because I thought Asian pianists were usually smaller.
10:51 PM: I can't like Metallica. Not since Mariano Rivera picked 'Enter Sandman' as his theme music. And their douchebag drummer shutdown Napster. In protest, I'm finna download all their shit right now.
10:56 PM: Steven Tyler, still woozy from Pharrell's performance, presents with Smokey Robinson, doing his own rendition of 'You Got A Hold On Me'. Smokey follows by belting out 'Dude Looks Like A Lady'. How cute.
10:57 PM: Record of the year! And the winner is... Daft Punk? Whoa, didn't see that coming. As much as I'm Team Bruno, I was certain Lorde or Robin Thicke was taking that. Unfortunately, Steven Tyler does not congo. It must suck to win all of these awards and not be able to give thanks because you're wearing a ridiculous, over-sized helmet.
11:06 PM: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis are about to perform 'Same Love'. You know, the song about homosexuality. And Queen Latifah is introducing them. Is she's still pretending to be straight? How naïve do you have to be to think Queen Latifah is straight? Kind of ironic that the song is about being yourself and the Queen is still in the closet.
11:10 PM: Macklemore doing his thing and then... whoa, whoa, whoa... the Queen is back! Is this the moment? Nope... but 33 gay couples just got... married? I think? Is Queen Latifah certified to marry anyone? I thought she was a queen... now she's an ordained minister? I need to research this.
11:11 PM: And now Madonna comes out, looking like a hot ass mess. You're in your mid-50's, lady. Why are you still dressing like that? I'm sure that's what the newlyweds wanted to see as soon as they became official... Madonna's botox-injected face. These marriages aren't getting off to a good start.
11:22 PM: After thanking music teachers worldwide, it's time for the memoriam. Or the part of the show when you say 'oh shit, he died?'
11:23 PM: R.I.P. Chris Kelly of Kris Kross fame. I still have the cassette of their first album somewhere. JUMP, JUMP!
11:27 PM: Miranda Lambert and Billie Jo Armstrong (of Green Day fame) come together to sing an Everly Brothers jam in honor of one of the bros who passed away. Sadly, I still have JUMP, JUMP! in my head.
11:36 PM: Album of the year! It doesn't get any bigger than this! And... Daft Punk wins again. Womp womp. The Grammy board would give all these big awards to a duo of futuristic fucktards who can't even speak. No shade because I haven't heard their album, but from an entertainment standpoint, they had to be the worst choice to accept an award. What a letdown.
11:38 PM: I'm all grammy-ed out. And now there's a schmorgesborg of rockers on stage. With lots of blinking lights. Fuck it, I'm tired and this just put me over the top.
11:45 PM: It was fun, y'all. Thank you if you made it this far, I definitely appreciate it. I thought of this idea earlier today and wanted to challenge myself. Hopefully, this was a success. So Daft Punk... remove your helmets, Blue Ivy... drink out of your golden sippy cup, and Pharrell... set that hat on fire. Grammy night's over. Peace.
7:55 PM: I was going back-n-forth on whether or not to do this but eff it, LETS DO THIS!
While you watch the Grammys (or during a commercial... or tomorrow? Shit, please find SOME time), you can check in here and read my commentary from this music-filled fuck fest. I'll be doing this LIVE, so I understand this may be challenging, but I will try my best to keep up. And if I keep up, y'all muthafuckas better keep up as well!
Simply stay on this link and refresh every few minutes and you should see some new material from your boy. Hope I keep you entertained!
8:01 PM: It's showtime! And we start with... Beyoncé. Blah. I'm sure I'm in the minority but I could go a few years without hearing from her. Not that she's not talented, just over-exposed. Everything in moderation, you know? She's singing 'Drunk In Love' so you know Jay is coming out. And he does, in a dapper tux. Oddly enough, although they're married, it looks like they don't know each other.Where's the chemistry? Jay even hesitated to grab her ass. Man, get a handful of that culo, playa! If you don't, I will!
8:08 PM: As much as I'm sick of Beyoncé, I wouldn't mind seeing her perform over hearing LL Cool J host. I love you L, you're one of the best MC's of all-time, but damn, we can't find a better, more entertaining host? Dude is cardboard.
8:11 PM: Pharrell has a giant piece of shit on his head. WTF man.
8:13 PM: First major award goes to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for Best New Artist. Over Kendrick Lamar, which, if you're a hip-hop head, is an outrage. I have mixed feelings on them. Love the messages in some of their songs but they're still a bit corny in conveying them.
8:16 PM: Ahhh shit, my bitch Lorde is performing. Wait, isn't this chick like 17 years old? She looks 35. And why is she convulsing on stage? That ain't cute, boo. Somebody get the holy water and sprinkle some on her. She looks possessed. And she's holding her mic while doing the triple 6 gesture. There is a 96% chance this performance is going to give me nightmares tonight.
8:25 PM: Commercial break over. And now I'm listening to the whining of some country cockhead named Hunter Hayes. Actually, he's aight, but enough with the non-bullying shit already. I understand it exists and it's a horrible thing but I think there's too much focus on the bad-asses out there and not enough on toughening up those who get bullied. But I digress.
8:29 PM: Always been oddly attracted to Anna Farris. And Anna Kendrick, too. They both currently occupy bench spots on my snowflake all-star team.
8:30 PM: Best Pop Duo award goes to Daft Punk and... Pharrell! We get to see that ridiculous hat again! Poor Pharrell is forced to talk because Daft Punk always rocks ginormous helmets. Are we sure there's actually people in those helmets? Remind me to google 'Daft Punk without helmets on' after the show.
8:32 PM: Obligatory Beatles shout-out. (Second of the night, I might add)
8:33 PM: Normally, I would be breaking out in hives because Katy Perry is about to perform but she's doing the one song from her that I actually like, 'Dark Horse'. Shit, I can't lie, I love this shit. Was very disappointed when I shazamed this and found out it was her. But life goes on.
8:35 PM: Juicy J sighting! An Oscar, and now sharing the stage with Katy Perry. He's one of the funniest dudes I've ever interviewed. And one of my few ignorant guilty pleasures. If I'm gonna dumb out, give me some Juicy J or 2 Chainz. I also enjoy how every song he does has a 'yeah hoe' chant in the background. Very classy.
8:43 PM: My mom is being a major groupie now that Chicago is performing. Or at least I hope it's because of Chicago because if it's for Robin Thicke, I'm gonna hurl. Thicke is going through some of the finest tracks in Chicago's catalog, which is cool 'cause he's performing with them, but after tonight he should only be allowed to perform 'Blurred Lines'. Like really, dude. I don't wanna hear you sing anything else.
8:46 PM: OK now we're talking! 'Blurred Lines!' *starts twerking* I love this shit. And with Chicago's horn section? Epic. Too bad he only did the one-minute version of it. I was really looking forward to seeing a third appearance from Pharrell's hat.
8:48 PM: Mr. Nicole Kidman is singing softly now. We can't go from Robin Thicke getting the crowd amped to Keith Urban putting everyone to sleep. Horrible transition. Not that I can hear any of this because my mom is reminiscing about all the Chicago concerts she's gone to. When she's done, we're both wondering who the black guy on stage is.
8:58 PM: Back after a much-needed extended commercial (my poor paws are killing me) and we got John Legend on the keys. Kind of amazing that he's been out for over a decade already. Not someone I associate with longevity but he's been in the game for a minute. He's singing 'All Of Me' which is a lovely tune, but I find it amusing that when they attempted to put the spotlight on his wife in the audience, they also captured some angry Danny Glover-looking dude, too. #LightingFail
9:01 PM: So apparently that black dude on stage earlier was Gary Clark, Jr. And yes, I only know that because they just showed him in the Best Rock category.
9:03 PM: It's pretty much a guarantee that if you feature Paul McCartney on your song, you're winning a grammy. This theory is proven correctly by Dave Grohl, as he just took home the Best Rock award. Any artist that wants some of that golden hardware, holla at the Sir.
9:06 PM: Oh joy, Taylor Swift! What's this bitch crying about now? I swear she drops something new every year just so she could perform at this show. How many years running has she been here? Five? Ten? I must say, I appreciate the fact the camera isn't on her during other artists' performances. I couldn't take her off-beat moves any longer. Huge improvement over last year.
9:09 PM: Love how she keeps swinging her head backwards. Makes her seem so edgy. Look at you, Taylor... living so dangerously!
9:16 PM: Back after another break and we got Pink performing. This chick's always performing in the air. I haven't seen a Pink performance on land in ages. And people in the audience are spinning her for no apparent reason. I'm confused.
9:19 PM: Pink has landed! Thank goodness. And now some topless beefcake is tossing her around. She can't catch a break.
9:20 PM: Nate Ruess from Fun joins Pink and boy, is he looking like a pedophile. Three quarters of the criminals on SVU look just like him. Creeper. Meanwhile, Pink is understandably out of breath after doing acrobatics and wrestling with some half-naked ogre. But she comes through and delivers a decent performance.
9:22 PM: Ladies, guard the back of your heads... Miguel is here! This dude should be forced to wear flip-flops to every award show, just in case he gets any ideas.
9:24 PM: Best Pop Solo award goes to Lorde. WTF, she looks older than when she performed earlier. She's the anti-Benjamin Button. By the end of the show, she's gonna look like Betty White.
9:30 PM: Why would you even attempt to have Ozzy Osbourne present anything? It's clear he's not even sure where he is. Mumbling muthafucka.
9:31 PM: It's Ringo Starr time, and as much respect as I have for the Beetles, this is looking like nap time. See y'all in a few.
9:35 PM: Just woke-up, and just in time, too. It's Rap/Sung Collabo award time, and it goes to... wait, Jamie Foxx just said he wants to apologize to Jay-Z for staring at Beyoncé... then Jay wins for 'Holy Grail' featuring JT. Awkward! Jay makes a joke about telling Blue Ivy that daddy's grammy will be a gold sippy cup for her. What an elitist. *rolls eyes*
9:44 PM: Back from the break and got damn... it's Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamar. And they are RIPPING IT! This shit just started and it's already the front-runner for best performance of the night. I clearly spoke too quickly about the Taylor Swift shots, though. For some reason, CBS thinks it's a great idea to show her bouncing off-beat and making an assface out of herself. But even her uncoordinated ass can't ruin this performance.
9:48 PM: It's official: I just added Kendrick to my extremely short list of artists I want to see live. And bring Imagine Dragons on the road with you. Wow. When Jay ever decides to leave rap alone for good, Kendrick is looking like the guy to carry the torch.
9:50: Naturally, after that display of energetic adrenaline, we get some chick named Kacey Musgraves (I had to google her name to make sure I got it right) boring us to death. Typical Grammy fashion. It's clear that whoever produces this show is not a DJ. Worst transitions ever.
10:00 PM: Julia Roberts talking about... the Beatles. Surprise! It's like, damn... all these Beatles mentions and that Ringo Starr performance. I'm surprised Paul McCartney hasn't performed tonight.
10:01 PM: Never mind. Of COURSE he's performing. And with Ringo Starr, nonetheless. My mom mentions that Paul was always her favorite Beatle. Thank you Mom, for all your wonderful insight. Where would I be without that piece of valuable information?
10:04 PM: Look at Yoko Ono getting down. All 74 pounds of her. Adorbs!
10:06 PM: Pharrell won producer of the year! The hat! Ahhhh!
10:06 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album up now. If Bruno Mars doesn't win, I'm rioting.
10:07 PM: YESSSSS!!! BRUNO!!! Now THAT is a well-deserved award. You know I hate pretty much everything, but that is a cool ass album. And did I mention I saw him in concert last year? Oh I did? Well I just said it again. Deal with it, sucka!
10:16 PM: Legendary stoner Willie Nelson on stage. I'd rather be lighting one up with him than listening to him sing.
10:17 PM: Great, now he's joined by three more country dudes. The only one I know is Blake Shelton, and the only words I made out were a few drug references. I'm lost.
10:20 PM: Imagine Dragons are covered in blood, nodding their heads to this country catastrophe. This makes no sense.
10:22 PM: Best Country Album time, and naturally, I'm pulling for Blake Shelton because A) he's one of the only ones I know, B) he's hilarious on 'The Voice', and C) I can't tolerate any more Taylor Swift.
10:23 PM: That Kacey Musgraves chick wins, which is the Grammys way of saying 'our bad for having you follow the most epic performance of the night.'
10:25 PM: If nobody's made a 'Pharrell's Hat' handle on Twitter yet, I'd be highly surprised. The one he's sporting now for his 'Get Lucky' performance w/ Daft Punk, Le Chic and Stevie Wonder(!!!) is not as extreme as the other. But he's still in Indiana Jones territory, and not in a good way.
10:28 PM: Ahhhh FREAK OUT!
10:29 PM: Is there any hope for white people when Paul McCartney snaps his fingers off-beat?
10:30 PM: The crowd is rocking out, and dammit, so am I! Funky-licious. So funky that apparently Steven Tyler thinks he's in a congo line. Most of the time, these Grammy collaborations are disasters but tonight, the Kendrick/Imagine Dragons and Pharrell/Stevie Wonder pairings were perfection.
10:36 PM: Cyndi Lauper tripping over her words. Nothing to see here.
10:37 PM: Carole King's performing tonight too? Between Chicago, Paul and this curly-haired cougar, my mom's head may explode. At least I'm hoping she's a cougar, because any woman that can perform with Sara Bareilles and not make me projectile vomit has to be at least mildly attractive.
10:40 PM: Song of the year! This is a biggie! You know I'm Team Bruno!
10:41 PM: Lorde wins for 'Royals'. How can I be mad at that? That was my favorite song of 2013 (and yes, that was a not-so-subtle push to get you to read my 'Favorite 40 Songs of 2013' blog if you haven't already). Lorde's co-songwriter joins her on stage and calls her by her real name, Ella. She soooo looks like an Ella.
10:49 PM: Oh look, it's that poser Jared Leto! Is he still pretending to be a bad-ass? That dude is softer than a marshmellow.
10:50 PM: This Asian dude is catching wreck on the piano! He looks to be of average height, which is interesting because I thought Asian pianists were usually smaller.
10:51 PM: I can't like Metallica. Not since Mariano Rivera picked 'Enter Sandman' as his theme music. And their douchebag drummer shutdown Napster. In protest, I'm finna download all their shit right now.
10:56 PM: Steven Tyler, still woozy from Pharrell's performance, presents with Smokey Robinson, doing his own rendition of 'You Got A Hold On Me'. Smokey follows by belting out 'Dude Looks Like A Lady'. How cute.
10:57 PM: Record of the year! And the winner is... Daft Punk? Whoa, didn't see that coming. As much as I'm Team Bruno, I was certain Lorde or Robin Thicke was taking that. Unfortunately, Steven Tyler does not congo. It must suck to win all of these awards and not be able to give thanks because you're wearing a ridiculous, over-sized helmet.
11:06 PM: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis are about to perform 'Same Love'. You know, the song about homosexuality. And Queen Latifah is introducing them. Is she's still pretending to be straight? How naïve do you have to be to think Queen Latifah is straight? Kind of ironic that the song is about being yourself and the Queen is still in the closet.
11:10 PM: Macklemore doing his thing and then... whoa, whoa, whoa... the Queen is back! Is this the moment? Nope... but 33 gay couples just got... married? I think? Is Queen Latifah certified to marry anyone? I thought she was a queen... now she's an ordained minister? I need to research this.
11:11 PM: And now Madonna comes out, looking like a hot ass mess. You're in your mid-50's, lady. Why are you still dressing like that? I'm sure that's what the newlyweds wanted to see as soon as they became official... Madonna's botox-injected face. These marriages aren't getting off to a good start.
11:22 PM: After thanking music teachers worldwide, it's time for the memoriam. Or the part of the show when you say 'oh shit, he died?'
11:23 PM: R.I.P. Chris Kelly of Kris Kross fame. I still have the cassette of their first album somewhere. JUMP, JUMP!
11:27 PM: Miranda Lambert and Billie Jo Armstrong (of Green Day fame) come together to sing an Everly Brothers jam in honor of one of the bros who passed away. Sadly, I still have JUMP, JUMP! in my head.
11:36 PM: Album of the year! It doesn't get any bigger than this! And... Daft Punk wins again. Womp womp. The Grammy board would give all these big awards to a duo of futuristic fucktards who can't even speak. No shade because I haven't heard their album, but from an entertainment standpoint, they had to be the worst choice to accept an award. What a letdown.
11:38 PM: I'm all grammy-ed out. And now there's a schmorgesborg of rockers on stage. With lots of blinking lights. Fuck it, I'm tired and this just put me over the top.
11:45 PM: It was fun, y'all. Thank you if you made it this far, I definitely appreciate it. I thought of this idea earlier today and wanted to challenge myself. Hopefully, this was a success. So Daft Punk... remove your helmets, Blue Ivy... drink out of your golden sippy cup, and Pharrell... set that hat on fire. Grammy night's over. Peace.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The Exposure of Nicki Minaj
I know you muthafuckas saw the grammys this past Sunday. Year after year, everyone watches this event & comes away thoroughly disappointed. So much, in fact, that I think I would be disappointed by not being disappointed, if that makes any sense.
Of course, this year was no different. Aside from Bruno Mars & a few other gems, the Grammys proved to be another lackluster spectacle. Now, my biggest issue with events like these aren't the lack of quality performances, but the pre-conceived, forced shock value that is tacked onto some of these sets. Everybody wants to be the center of attention, the talk of the town. Gaga wants to top Madonna. Katy Perry wants to top Gaga. Ke$ha wants to top Katy Perry. And so on. It's all a cycle of shit.
What this leads to is a whole bunch of chickenheads trying to prove how 'different' they are when the weirdness of their performances is actually a cover-up for their lack of talent. We are to believe that these artists are 'unique' and appreciate them because they're 'different' when these spectacles are merely illusions of who these artists really are. Have you not seen the aforementioned artists before they were big? All relatively normal-looking. I'm suppose to believe that when they had all the artistic freedom in the world that they were 'caged' but once they entered the creative jail that is known as the music industry that they were allowed to be their real selves? It makes no sense.
The newest member of this sorry sorority is Nicki Minaj. While watching the Grammys, I was told over & over again by the douchebag announcer to stay tuned & see a performance from Nicki that I wouldn't forget. Well, technically he was right, but not for the right reasons. I sat & watched a desperate plea for attention (and possibly help) as she became her alter-ego 'Roman' for five minutes while attempting to be exercised. If you were one of those people who dismissed any reality of secret (or not-so-secret) societies like the Illuminati being heavily involved in the entertainment industry, you were pretty much running out of reasons.
Illuminati affiliations aside, the performance got me thinking about the state of current hip-hop. Nicki was pretty much the only representation of hip-hop (if you can call her that) who performed, outside of a brief Wayne cameo later on. How much did she set the genre & the culture back? What about the reprecussions for her fellow female rappers going forward? The generation before me had MC Lyte. I had Lauryn Hill. The current generation is left with Nicki, who while she can occasionally deliver a solid verse, is seen more as an industry puppet w/ no identity. Not the uplifting trend-setter the hip-hop culture, or more importantly female rappers, need. I'm not saying that the future of a juggernaut like hip-hop lies on the back of someone like Nicki. Hip-hop will always be present in some form. But right now, the future of commercial success within the genre is being led by some bird who wore a giant red robe to the biggest award show the industry has to offer.
Another thing I've been wanting to get off my chest... her fuckin' last name is another word for a threesome. Yet when we have some 5-year-old girls on Ellen reciting the lyrics to her songs and saying Minaj is their IDOL, I'm supposed to think it's cute? I was disgusted at how many people on my Facebook & Twitter feeds posted that clip with some form of 'awwww' attached to it. I'd slap the shit out of my future daughter if I even think she muttered the word 'Minaj', let alone sang the lyrics of that industry slut. Condone it if you'd like, just don't be one of those people who acts surprised when they're on the train & overhear a sexually explicit conversation between a bunch of pre-teens who haven't even filled in their training bras.
In conclusion, we have to do better. I consider myself a rational person who takes everything w/ a grain of salt but this shit is getting out of hand. Now excuse me while I put 'The Mis-Eduction of Lauyrn Hill' on blast.
Of course, this year was no different. Aside from Bruno Mars & a few other gems, the Grammys proved to be another lackluster spectacle. Now, my biggest issue with events like these aren't the lack of quality performances, but the pre-conceived, forced shock value that is tacked onto some of these sets. Everybody wants to be the center of attention, the talk of the town. Gaga wants to top Madonna. Katy Perry wants to top Gaga. Ke$ha wants to top Katy Perry. And so on. It's all a cycle of shit.
What this leads to is a whole bunch of chickenheads trying to prove how 'different' they are when the weirdness of their performances is actually a cover-up for their lack of talent. We are to believe that these artists are 'unique' and appreciate them because they're 'different' when these spectacles are merely illusions of who these artists really are. Have you not seen the aforementioned artists before they were big? All relatively normal-looking. I'm suppose to believe that when they had all the artistic freedom in the world that they were 'caged' but once they entered the creative jail that is known as the music industry that they were allowed to be their real selves? It makes no sense.
The newest member of this sorry sorority is Nicki Minaj. While watching the Grammys, I was told over & over again by the douchebag announcer to stay tuned & see a performance from Nicki that I wouldn't forget. Well, technically he was right, but not for the right reasons. I sat & watched a desperate plea for attention (and possibly help) as she became her alter-ego 'Roman' for five minutes while attempting to be exercised. If you were one of those people who dismissed any reality of secret (or not-so-secret) societies like the Illuminati being heavily involved in the entertainment industry, you were pretty much running out of reasons.
Illuminati affiliations aside, the performance got me thinking about the state of current hip-hop. Nicki was pretty much the only representation of hip-hop (if you can call her that) who performed, outside of a brief Wayne cameo later on. How much did she set the genre & the culture back? What about the reprecussions for her fellow female rappers going forward? The generation before me had MC Lyte. I had Lauryn Hill. The current generation is left with Nicki, who while she can occasionally deliver a solid verse, is seen more as an industry puppet w/ no identity. Not the uplifting trend-setter the hip-hop culture, or more importantly female rappers, need. I'm not saying that the future of a juggernaut like hip-hop lies on the back of someone like Nicki. Hip-hop will always be present in some form. But right now, the future of commercial success within the genre is being led by some bird who wore a giant red robe to the biggest award show the industry has to offer.
Another thing I've been wanting to get off my chest... her fuckin' last name is another word for a threesome. Yet when we have some 5-year-old girls on Ellen reciting the lyrics to her songs and saying Minaj is their IDOL, I'm supposed to think it's cute? I was disgusted at how many people on my Facebook & Twitter feeds posted that clip with some form of 'awwww' attached to it. I'd slap the shit out of my future daughter if I even think she muttered the word 'Minaj', let alone sang the lyrics of that industry slut. Condone it if you'd like, just don't be one of those people who acts surprised when they're on the train & overhear a sexually explicit conversation between a bunch of pre-teens who haven't even filled in their training bras.
In conclusion, we have to do better. I consider myself a rational person who takes everything w/ a grain of salt but this shit is getting out of hand. Now excuse me while I put 'The Mis-Eduction of Lauyrn Hill' on blast.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mama's Day (w/ videos)
There are many hard jobs in this world but it's hard to argue that being a mother isn't on the top of that list. I know my mom had to work extremely hard to raise me to be the fine, young man I am today. But enough about me. Toast to all the mama's out there handling their business. Extra credit if you're a single mom & double bonus points if you're a milf.
To commemorate this special day, here are some music videos that really capture the essence of motherly love.
2 Pac 'Hey Mama'
Even the biggest thug has a soft spot in his heart for his mama. I'm a perfect example of that. 2 Pac is too, & he really hits a homerun with this song. Shit, I loved 2 Pac's mama after hearing this. After Pac passed & seeing his mother's pain made the song that much more special.
Boyz II Men 'A Song For Mama'
Ahhh yes. Nothing says 'I love you, mommy' like this Boyz II Men classic. If you have the vocal abilities, you can bypass the cliche flowers & sing this to your mom. The tears are bound to flow! However, make sure you can really sing. You might think your mama loves you unconditionally but that can change quickly if you sound like a hyena in heat.
Kanye West 'Hey Mama (Live)'
Kanye had recorded the original version of 'Hey Mama' before his debut album 'College Dropout' came out but the re-vamped version of the song didn't hit the public until his follow-up album 'Late Registration' dropped. Performing at the Grammys, live, after his mom passed... I can't lie, I still get emotional when I see this.
The Lonely Island 'Motherlover"
Definitely the most... colorful(?) Mother's Day songs out there, Andy Samberg & Justin Timberlake trade lines about boinking each other's moms. While the song is entertaining & awfully amusing, I do not recommend this song as a tribute on Mother's Day, no matter how much you may hate your mama (or how much you may lust your friend's mama).
And there you have it, the evolution of the Mother's Day song. Regardless of whichever one floats your boat (and I'm really hoping it's not the last one), I hope all the mamas have a delightful day. Peace & love, mamas!
To commemorate this special day, here are some music videos that really capture the essence of motherly love.
2 Pac 'Hey Mama'
Even the biggest thug has a soft spot in his heart for his mama. I'm a perfect example of that. 2 Pac is too, & he really hits a homerun with this song. Shit, I loved 2 Pac's mama after hearing this. After Pac passed & seeing his mother's pain made the song that much more special.
Boyz II Men 'A Song For Mama'
Ahhh yes. Nothing says 'I love you, mommy' like this Boyz II Men classic. If you have the vocal abilities, you can bypass the cliche flowers & sing this to your mom. The tears are bound to flow! However, make sure you can really sing. You might think your mama loves you unconditionally but that can change quickly if you sound like a hyena in heat.
Kanye West 'Hey Mama (Live)'
Kanye had recorded the original version of 'Hey Mama' before his debut album 'College Dropout' came out but the re-vamped version of the song didn't hit the public until his follow-up album 'Late Registration' dropped. Performing at the Grammys, live, after his mom passed... I can't lie, I still get emotional when I see this.
The Lonely Island 'Motherlover"
Definitely the most... colorful(?) Mother's Day songs out there, Andy Samberg & Justin Timberlake trade lines about boinking each other's moms. While the song is entertaining & awfully amusing, I do not recommend this song as a tribute on Mother's Day, no matter how much you may hate your mama (or how much you may lust your friend's mama).
And there you have it, the evolution of the Mother's Day song. Regardless of whichever one floats your boat (and I'm really hoping it's not the last one), I hope all the mamas have a delightful day. Peace & love, mamas!
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