My least favorite songs of 2015

Greetings, mutants!

As you may (or should) have read by now, my favorite 30 songs of 2015 are in the books. Awesome anthems like 'Bad Blood', 'I Can't Feel My Face' and 'Uptown Funk' made last year magical. But not magical enough. Sadly, musical geniuses like Taylor Swift, The Weeknd and Bruno Mars were outnumbered by tone deaf trolls who continue to pollute the airwaves with their over-saturated tunes.

In an effort to highlight the biggest offenders, last year I began to list my LEAST favorite songs of the year. Because they need some love, too. And I'm not gonna lie... I am starting to enjoy this more than listing my actual favorites. This is like my therapy... being able to pound on the keyboard and shit on all these scam artists posing as recording artists.

Well, my friends, this year will be no different. My wrath will be unleashed once again! *clears throat* OK quick reminder... I only focused on songs that were mainstream relevant. No need to point the finger on some fucktard's mixtape that he's harassing tourists to buy in Times Square. The bigger the impact these songs made, the more likely they were to piss me off.

It's go time. I present to you... my least favorite songs of 2015.

Fetty Wap 'Trap Queen'
From the moment I heard this travesty, I knew it would be on this list. The fact that this is arguably one of the biggest hits of 2015 is an indictment on how dumbed down the audience has become. Fans of this trash are going to say I am unreasonably sour on this song but tell me, what do you like about it? Is it the off-key belting? Or maybe it's the solid content, praising birds who handle drugs for their scumbag boyfriends? Oh, that's right... it's catchy. If you have this on your playlist, there's a warm place in hell for your tasteless ass.

Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo 'Time Of Our Lives'
After appearing on my top songs of the year list repeatedly, Pitbull appeared on the worst song list last year for his collaboration with that skank Ke$ha. Now he drags poor Ne-Yo into the mix with one of the worst written songs of '15. Here's the gem of a chorus:

I knew my rent was gon' be late about a week ago
I worked my ass off, but I still can't pay it though
But I got just enough to get up in this club
Have me a good time, before my time is up

Wonderful message. Hey kids, fuck your rent... go to the club and waste your money on overpriced alcoholic beverages while you listen to rubbish like this!

Meghan Trainor 'Dear Future Husband'
I really wanted to put anything this culture vulture sings but I will narrow it down to one of her corny ass songs. Ever since I heard 'All About That Bass', I knew this snowflake was up to no good, defacing old school soul music by slapping a big, fat pasty face on it. It's a shame we struggle to highlight black soul singers but are quick to promote melanin-challenged muthafuckas like this who are nothing but cheap imitations. Speaking of which...

Charlie Pugh feat. Meghan Trainor 'Marvin Gaye'
You thought you were off the hook, Meghan? Well not so fast! Now your equally annoying sidekick is gonna get some, too. It's one thing ripping off black music, but then having the audacity to use a legendary black singer as the title of the song? Oh no he didn't. Yeah, I know Charlie, you were aight on that Wiz track and maybe your chorus made a few folks shed some tears for Paul, but that doesn't earn you a 'get out of jail free' card. 'Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on?' Both of you, go somewhere deserted and take your watered down, soul-lacking 'soul music' with you.

Usher feat. Juicy J 'I Don't Mind'
Just when you thought Pitbull & Ne-Yo had the 'worst written song of the year' award wrapped up, here comes this little gem. So apprarently, this song is about dating a stripper and being able to see past the obvious obstacles because, despite her shaking her culo in front of a bunch of derelicts, she's still leaving the club with you. And you know what? I'm willing to look past that, because there are a handful of dancers who are swallowing their pride so they can put themselves through school or feed their kids. But here's the problem...

'I make enough for the both of us, but you dance anyway'

Yes, that's an actual lyric from this shit-fest of a song. Ursher makes it clear that his income can comfortably support himself and this trick, but she still chooses to drop down and get her eagle on for singles. And here I thought stripping was a last resort to make some money. How foolish!

Rihanna & Kanye West feat. Paul McCartney 'Four Five Seconds'
Kanye West is married to Kim Kardashian... and I HATE Kim Kardashian. That association alone could land this song on this list. The biggest reason? Kanye's awful singing. Look, everybody can't be Drake. And really, why would someone as talented as Kanye want to follow that blueprint anyway? That singing shit ain't for everyone. To make matters worse, Rihanna slayed the track. Take out Yeezy, factor in the Beatles connection and RiRi might be taking home a grammy. You hear that, Kanye? You just cost Rihanna a grammy. Selfish prick.

Drake & Future 'Jumpman'
Speaking of Drake, what the fuck was this? Is this what the kids are listening to now-a-days? This is another case of addition by subtraction. Admittedly, this song would've avoided this list with just Drizzy. But just like practically everything in life, Future ruins it. What is the obsession with this dude? He sounds like someone with down syndrome being autotuned. Google the lyrics to this rubbage and tell me if I'm missing something. I know style has always played a big part in rap music but when it's 95% style and 5% substance, something has gotta change.

I think I got enough off my chest for one year. Let this be a message to all artists, regardless of genre... I'm watching you. Drop some basura in 2016 and I'm gonna be on yo' ass. GeeQue, out.

My favorite 30 songs of 2015

Feliz año nuevo, pendejos!

Hope 2015 was kind to you. Musically... truthfully... it was another sub-par year. I would love to lie and tell you it was the extravagant comeback we have been anticipating for years but frankly, it was more of the same. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I was able to gather 30 songs that I deemed worthy enough to be featured in this annual masterpiece.

I'm sure I say this every year so let me continue the tradition... this is my favorite blog to write. Matter of fact, this is the 5th annual list! *confetti falls* I understand the responsibility... I don't take this list as a joke. Throughout the year, I am closely monitoring the tunes that get my culo shaking. I say this also to remind you that these aren't the BEST songs of the year, but rather my FAVORITE. I expect your list to look very different than mine, because we different muthafuckas. But don't let that stop you from debating or even shittin' on my list. I welcome the war, hoe.

OK enough suspense... let's get to it, folks. My favorite 30 songs of the past year.

30. Nicki Minaj feat. Drake & Lil Wayne 'Truffle Butter'
Not sure what I enjoy more... the song or the definition on Urban Dictionary

29. Calvin Harris & Disciples 'How Deep Is Your Love'
Making great dance music and boning Taylor Swift. Calvin Harris, you lucky son of a gun

28. Hailee Steinfeld 'Love Myself'
96% sure this song is about masturbation

27. Halsey 'New Americana'
Getting high on legal weed? Check. Raised on Biggie & Nirvana? Check. Top 30 song? Duh

26. Selena Gomez 'Same Old Love'
Trying my hardest not to be sexually attracted to her and failing miserably

25. Gente de Zona feat. Marc Anthony 'La Gozadera'
In case you didn't believe I'm Latino

24. Melanie Martinez 'Soap'
My all-time favorite contestant from 'The Voice'

23. Miguel 'Waves'
Slowly becoming my go-to guy in the R&B department

22. DJ Snake & AlunaGeorge 'You Know You Like It'
21. Skrillex & Diplo feat. AlunaGeorge 'To U'
Still unclear about who AlunaGeorge is/are but welcome to the top 30, you infectious asshole(s)

20. Justin Bieber 'What Do You Mean?'
In 2016, there shall be no more Belieber shaming

19. Walk The Moon 'Shut Up & Dance'
Would've been higher if I didn't hear it 35325647 times

18. Elle King 'Ex's & Oh's'
Mmmm bring your lil chubby, tattooed ass over here

17. G-Eazy feat. Bebe Rexha 'Me Myself & I'
Are we positive this isn't Drake?

16. Troy Ave 'Doo Doo'
Shittin' on haters, literally

15. Luke Bryan 'Kick The Dust Up'
A country song made my top 30! History has been made!

14. Tori Kelly 'Nobody Love'
Taylor is lucky she has my heart, 'cuz I'd taste a scoop of Tori Kelly's vanilla ice cream any day

13. Fifth Harmony feat. Kid Ink 'Worth It'
Come & show me that you're wit it, wit it, wit it, wit it

12. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis 'Downtown'
You recruit Melle Mel, Grandmaster Caz and Kool Moe Dee for a song... in 2015?! Awesome

11. Missy Elliott feat. Pharrell 'WTF (Where They From)'
Missy could literally drop wet farts on this electric Neptunes beat for three minutes and still make my list

10. Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars 'Uptown Funk'
I know what you're thinking... every time Bruno Mars makes the countdown, I reference his 'Moonshine Jungle' show that I attended at the Barclay's Center in the spring of 2013. How it was the best live performance I have ever attended. How energetic, lively and overall entertaining he was. I promise you, I will not do that this year.

9. Meek Mill feat. Tory Lanez 'Lord Knows'
Look, I know he battled Drake and got embarrassed. I know he was the subject of many mean-spirited memes. I could care less. Maybe I'm swayed because this was the backdrop to the most epic scene in 'Creed'. Whatever the case, this BANGS. So yes, Meek Mill might have caught an L to Drake, but that Canadian clown didn't sniff a spot on my top 30, so who really won?

8. Demi Lovato 'Cool For The Summer'
I couldn't name you three Demi Lovato songs if my life depended on it. I mean, I know she is... the kind-of-cute judge from the X-Factor that used to be depressed. But her music never struck a chord with me. That is, until she dropped this anthem that is sure to be played during our warmest season for the next century.

7. The Weeknd 'Can't Feel My Face'
Justin Timberlake has been trying his best to channel Michael Jackson for years now, even 'collaborating' with MJ on his posthumous release 'Xscape' in 2014. He never got close. THIS song? This feels like MJ reborn. No one will ever come THAT close to the greatness that is Michael Jackson, but I applaud the Weeknd for his valiant effort.

6. Yelawolf feat. Eminem 'Best Friend'
Group me in with the people that find Yelawolf to be a bit corny. Not to say he doesn't have redeeming qualities, I just don't get it. That surely didn't stop me from having this in rotation for at least half the year. In 2016, let's make a plea to release more gully songs about Papa Dios.

5. Lupe Fiasco 'Deliver'
Last year, I found it in my heart to forgive Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, two artists I had previously despised, and reward them with much deserved top 3 spots. Those close to me know why I'm at war with Lupe, and you will know one day when I write my New York Times best seller. Let's just say shit ain't sweet. I may be a lot of things but dammit, I am fair. Lupe's look on poverty in the inner city while using something as delicious as pizza as a metaphor is everything I wish rap was today.

4. J. Cole 'No Role Modelz
'First things first, RIP Uncle Phil... for real.' Captain Save-A-Hoe's beware, this is not the song for you. It's been over a year since Cole dropped his new age classic '2014 Forest Hills Drive' and I still can't get enough. It's refreshing to hear an MC chastise reality show hoes when most of this coon rappers put out trash to attract them.

3. Zedd feat. Jon Bellion 'Beautiful Now'
Usually when I'm running my ass off on the treadmill, the fast paced dance music that gets my legs moving tends to be a bit empty in terms of emotion or content. Ahhhh, at last, I have discovered the perfect mix. The ultimate backdrop to what was a wonderful 2015 for your boy.

2. Major Lazer X DJ Snake feat. Mo 'Lean On'
I have a tight knit group of friends. A lot of them, I have known for over half my life. They understand why I am the crazy mutant I am today. So when I hear something like 'focus, fire a gun, we all need someone to lean on', it gets my spidey sense tingling. The only thing that would make it better is if it were over a thumping Indian-influenced beat. Oh it has that, too? Badass.

1. Taylor Swift 'Bad Blood'
This isn't like last year where 'Happy' was my clear cut #1. Any of the top five songs could have had this spot. So let's look at the tie breakers. Video? Taylor, surrounded by various models and actresses, posing as blood-thirsty heroines. Impact? You already know the numbers '1989' did, and this was arguably her biggest hit off the album. Can I mention how Kendrick Lamar is one of my favorite current MC's, yet I refuse to sync the remix of this song that he's featured on onto my iPod because his verses essentially equate to less Taylor? And finally, and most importantly, let's factor in how I am utterly obsessed with her. I have her calendar on my wall, for crying out loud. Yes, Taylor Swift is #1... on this list, and in my heart.

And there you have it... another year in the books. Can Taylor Swift go back to back next year? Which artist who I currently hate will I forgive? Stay tuned! Until then, I hope 2016 finds you much success, whatever that means to you.