(aka 'The blog I thought I would never write')
01.26.14
While attempting to enjoy the soulless entertainment of the Grammys, I realized something... something that I may have been feeling for a while but was never quite able to put into words: I hate Taylor Swift.
The Imagine Dragons are in the middle of an epic performance of their smash hit, 'Radioactive', which featured an out-of-his-mind Kendrick Lamar. The energy in the building is oozing out of the screen. Naturally, the producers cut to a shot of Taylor Swift dancing off-beat. I become angry. Up to this point, I had tolerated a lot of her shenanigans, but this was the final straw. I declared my dislike for her in my live blog. I ran her name through the mud whenever she came up in conversation. Soon, it became something everyone knew about me. Actually, it was a PART of me. When discussing me, you had to mention my long-running TV show, my obsession with the Mets, and that I hate Taylor Swift. And you know what? I was PROUD of that. Wore it like a muthafuckin' badge of honor. Captain of the Taylor Swift hate club. That's me.
08.31.14
Every Sunday, I wake up and watch the VH1 Top 20 Countdown. Why? Because I love torture, apparently. It's not too bad... it keeps me in tune with what's going on musically in pop culture. It's my weekend tradition. This particular day, though, my world would be flipped upside down. Forever.
There's a new video on the countdown this week, and guess who it's by? That's right, my arch-rival Taylor Swift. 'Shake It Off'... great. Her pattern of dropping a new album just as her previous one is losing steam is predictable and annoying. Like, can I get one Taylor-free year in this bitch? Whatever. I'll just mean mug through this video and as soon as it ends, I'll give it the tongue-lashing it so rightfully deserves.
Except... I loved it. The song was catchy, the video was funny... it was beautiful. A work of art. My mean mug turned into a smile. My hate disappeared. Butterflies burst out of my stomach. I knew at that moment that I would never be the same again.
But how the hell did this happen? How could she have fooled me all these years? I was so used to her pestering me with her whiny tunes and subpar personality that it completely took me off-guard when she returned with a bang, this time full of charisma and charm. Taylor 2.0 was here, and I was a FAN. 'Shake It Off' instantly became one of my favorite songs, a mainstay on my iPod. The video was in heavy rotation in my household... so much that I wouldn't doubt that I made up about half of her 600 million views on YouTube. Taylor Swift's fan club didn't just get a new member, they got themselves a president.
10.27.14
I don't like modern day music. I used to listen to 100's of albums a year. Now, I'm lucky to get to double digits. It's rare for me to not only listen to an album but anticipate it's release. However, that's what I found myself doing for '1989'. I had been shaking it off for two months now and I was eager to know if the love was real. Secretly, I was hoping I hated the album so I could move on like everything was some giant fluke and return to my sour ways. Except one thing happened.
The album was fuckin' incredible.
I was blown away. Practically every track sounded like a hit. The melodies were infectious. Her accent was adorable. I didn't know what to do with myself. Here I am, a grown man, sitting in front of my laptop, nodding my head to 'Blank Space' like it's classic Biggie. Without a doubt, '1989' was the best album of the year. In any genre. Shit, it's one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. I love Michael Jackson to death and know that no one will ever come close to matching his legacy, but in my heart, '1989' was a modern-day 'Thriller'.
Taylor was in complete promo mode for the remainder of the year... and I couldn't have been happier. My mom fed my obsession, DV-R-ing every Taylor appearance she caught on TV. I posted so many Taylor-related comments on my social media accounts that I lost track. It was complete Taylor-mania.
A funny thing happened along the way, though. Just as I was coming to terms with this new love for Taylor, a new feeling reared it's ugly head. A feeling of... lust. Lust, you say? Really? Taylor is not my prototypical cup of tea. She's tall and lanky, awkward, with very lil trace of a curve on her bony frame. But I didn't care. I wanted nothing more than to climb that pale tree and make sweet love to her. Taylor wasn't just my woman crush Wednesday, she was my woman crush everyday. (#wce) You can have Beyoncé... keep Kate Upton... gimme some Taylor and gimme a whole lot of her.
02.17.15
The year has changed, my feelings have not. Still a huge fan of Taylor Swift. Still listening to '1989'. Still want to have her baby. Seeing her on Jimmy Fallon recently re-affirmed everything. She is all I have ever wanted, and more.
Do I remember who I used to be? Honestly, no. The person I was a year ago seems like a stranger. To be honest, I don't wish to imagine a world where I did not love this woman. So now, when you're discussing me, do me a favor. I know you'll mention my long-running TV show and you'll touch on my obsession with the Mets, but don't forget the most important detail of all... that I love Taylor Swift.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Sunday, February 8, 2015
LIVE 2015 GRAMMY COMMENTARY!
(All times in EST)
7:30 PM: Last year, I got the brilliant(?) idea to post a live-streaming blog of the 2014 Grammys. And boy, did it suck the life out of me. I had no idea that bitch was three and a half hours long. WTF? However, it was a huge success, and to this day, it has the most views of any blog post I have ever done.
So guess what? I'M BACK FOR MORE.
I will be going live at 8 PM, when the show starts. Reminder in case you weren't part of the epic experience last year: Stay on this link, refresh every few minutes, new material will appear, you will be entertained... I hope.
You know the sub-plots by now... will Sam Smith clean house? Which creepy, old dude will come out as a surprise guest? And how much will my love forTaylor Swift grow? Find out in 30 mins.!
8:01 PM: Lights, cameras, action, muthafuckas! LL Cool J, our host for the fourth year, starts off the program sounding like he's on speed. And the opening act... AC/DC. For the first time in years! Blah. Looks like we've already filled our creepy, old guy quota for the night. But I'll be damned if these seniors ain't rocking out.
8:04 PM: The lead singer is wearing a crusty kangol, a tight black tee and even tighter black pants. And everyone in the audience is wearing devil's horns. 'Highway To Hell' is right. Even Satan would be afraid to be in attendance.
8:07 PM: Yup, LL still sucks as a host. I think he's even worse than last year.
8:09 PM: TAYLOR SWIFT! YESSSSSSS! My heartbeat just accelerated.
8:10 PM: And the first award of the night, Best New Artist, goes to... Sam Smith. Probably the least shocking thing we'll see tonight, as he was a certified lock to win this award. Who did I want to win? Anyone other than that fraud Iggy.
8:17 PM: Anna Kendrick, the white chick I like, just introduced Ariana Grande, the white chick I can't stand. Wouldn't be surprised if I'm not deaf in at least one ear after this debacle.
8:19 PM: What the hell does Big Sean find attractive about this chick? She looks like she's 13. Never have the Grammy's felt more like a Junior High School prom.
8:21 PM: Tom Jones in the building! It should be mandatory for Alphonso Ribeiro to accompany him wherever he goes and do the Carlton dance. The guy just won 'Dancing With The Stars'... show him some freakin' respect.
8:24 PM: Has to be mentioned: The OG Tommy Jones is rocking that white afro real tough.
8:26 PM: Best Pop Solo Performance time! Hoping for Taylor Swift or Pharrell. And the winner is... 'HAPPY'! FUCK YEAH! My favorite song of 2014! (Go read the blog later) So last year, Pharrell made a fashion statement with his humongous hat. This year, he looks normal... from the waist up. Very sharp jacket, and you know I'm pro-bow tie. But then he's sporting basketball shorts? Why do you do the things that you do, P?
8:33 PM: Mrs. Black Shelton, Miranda Lambert, is about to perform, and she actually looks attractive. The song, about her lil red wagon, blows cock, though.
8:35 PM: They're like wooooooo! They're like ahhhhhh! OK maybe it's growing on me.
8:37 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album is about to go down, presented by that acapella group who's name I can never get right and a mummified Barry Gibbs. And it's Sam Smith, again. Looks like the big night for the male Adele is getting started. Am I the only one who thinks he looks nothing like he sounds like? When I first heard him, I thought there was a chance he might be a brotha. Or at least a husky, bearded hipster. Slightly disappointed he looks like a syrupy sissy.
8:44 PM: Kanye West just hit the stage, surprisingly for the first time in six years. He's singing a song Paul McCartney wrote, which means it will probably win a Grammy next year. You know those Grammy bastards love anything Beatles.
8:47 PM: Sir Paul has to be regretting the fact he gave this song to Kanye. I can't even tell if it's a well-written song or not because Kanye's auto-tuned vocals are taking a giant shit all over it.
8:48 PM: Two of the industry's biggest puppets, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj, introduce the queen puppet, Madonna. Let the demonic symbolism commence!
8:49 PM: Dancers with horns? Check. Hell mention in the song? Check. Way to be subtle.
8:50 PM: We've officially reached the point where Madonna looks like the old chick at the club. I'm fully expecting her to start yelling 'DOORMAN' at any moment. Watching her thrust her decrepit pelvis out is making me uncomfortable.
8:55 PM: Best Rock Album is about to be announced, and I could care less who wins. Beck wins. Whoopie.
9:02 PM: Shocker... another Beatle wins an award. This time, George Harrison wins a Lifetime Achievement Award. Niles Rogers presents, looking like Lil Wayne in about 30 years. along with Smokey Robinson, who's eyes could not be opened wider.
9:04 PM: Best R&B Performance is given to Beyoncé. She's still getting awards? Seems like that album came out 3 years ago already.
9:05 PM: Funky ginger, aka Ed Sheeran, is on now. Does this dude ever comb his hair?
9:06 PM: I just realized that he says that he'll love the woman until she's 70. I always thought he was saying 17, which would've made this the official anthem for pedophiles worldwide.
9:09 PM: Forgot to say that he's joined on stage by John Mayer, who's proof that you could play that innocent, good guy role and still be a douchebag who catches mad bodies.
9:11 PM: I would say my musical expertise is on point, but I can say with a clear conscious that I have no idea who's on stage right now. Paul McCartney is excited so I'm guessing he's somewhat of a big deal, but I can't get past the fact that he looks like the love child of John Goodman and Ringo Starr (yes, another Beatles reference).
9:14 PM: Looks like it's the Electric Light Orchestra, for those who were waiting on the edge of their seats for me to figure that out.
9:15 PM: Ryan Seacrest, of 'American Idol' fame, introduces Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani, of 'The Voice'. I smell some reality singing competition show beef.
9:17 PM: Very cool song... but with all the upbeat hits that Ed Sheeran and Maroon 5 have, it's odd that they both sang ballads tonight. Someone better get this party started soon because I can't wait any longer to twerk.
9:25 PM: Awwww shit! My Hozier jam, 'Take Me To Church' is on now. Sprinkle some holy water all over these devils, my dude.
9:28 PM: Annie Lennox joins him and unlike most of these collaborations, she adds instead of subtracting. She's screaming 'AMEN' like she's about to catch the Holy Ghost. Goosebumps begin to form. We officially have a front runner for performance of the night.
9:31 PM: The Annie Lennox takeover is in full effect. WOW. For a woman who was just screaming 'Amen' a few minutes ago, she looks fuckin' possessed out her mind right now. This one is gonna be hard to beat.
9:32 PM: So Nick Jonas, who's song 'Jealous' I despise, is presenting for the genre I loathe the most, Best Country Album. Thank God Megan Trainor's sexy little Jewish ass is there next to him to distract me.
9:33 PM: Miranda Lambert wins. Blake looks on, creepily.
9:34 PM: The Weeknd comes out, who apparently my mom has never heard of, as she asks me why he doesn't like the weekdays. I don't know, Mom. I don't know.
9:35 PM: My brother Pharrell is up, looking like an usher. No, not Usher. An actual usher. From the theater. He may be happy... to show you to your seat. This ensemble also includes shorts, again. I'm guessing it's like 120 degrees over there since Pharrell refuses to wear pants.
9:36 PM: FINALLY! It's 'Happy' time! *starts twerking*
9:37 PM: In a mere six minutes, Hozier has some serious competition. Skateboard P!
9:44 PM: Obama talking about domestic violence. He's a week late if he wanted to reach the right audience.
9:47 PM: A spoken word from a domestic violence victim is followed by Katy Perry. All jokes aside, men that beat their women are cowards. One of my favorite artists of all-time, the late, GREAT 2 Pac, put it better than I ever could:
'And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women'
- 2 Pac 'Keep Ya Head Up'
BTW, if you're not impressed by how fast I pulled up that quote, then I don't know what to tell you.
9:52 PM: Katy did well, although I was kind of expecting Missy Elliott to be incorporated somehow. I'm spoiled.
9:55 PM: My mom and I are trying to figure out if this Imagine Dragons performance is part of the actual show. Turns out it was a commercial. Shit, even on a commercial break I can't relax.
10:00 PM: Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett reviving an American classic. I'm 99% sure Gaga is a demon, but hot damn she looks GOOD. I would say that I would hit that but her vagina may have teeth. I'm also convinced that Tony Bennett was forced to do this duet album, but he can't say anything because maybe someone has revealing pictures of him or something. A wrinkly dick pic, perhaps? Tony, blink twice if you're being forced to do this.
10:03 PM: The performances are coming non-stop this year. My fingers are cramping up hardcore. Can a brother get a moment to breathe? This time, Usher is doing a Stevie Wonder tribute. A tall order, for sure, as Stevie is one of the all-time greats. Dude is one of the last living legends around.
10:06 PM: OK, I know I just said Stevie is a legend... but he just came out, and he's the size of a fuckin' house. Somebody get this dude a copy of Insanity and a Planet Fitness membership quick. I gotta give him credit, though... those dreads are still hanging in there, albeit barely.
10:13 PM: Country performance. Time for a water break.
10:21 PM: Country crap is over, and now the performance I was really anticipating is on. Rihanna, Yeezy, Sir Paul. Unlike the last song Kanye sang, 'Four Five Seconds' hits the mark and looks like an early contender to be on my favorite songs of 2015 list.
10:23 PM: Rihanna is grabbing her balls.
10:24 PM: For a song that just came out, I'm impressed that so many people in the audience knew the words. Granted, two of those people were Kim Kardashian and Paul McCartney's wife, but still.
10:30 PM: TAYLOR! That's my boo, yo. And to think, at last year's show, I was beyond irritated with her. But is she not gonna perform? Really? I'm ready to shake it off in this bitch.
10:31 PM: The man of the night, Sam Smith, sings his monster hit, 'Stay With Me'. If they film another 'American Pie', Sam can definitely take on the role of Paul Finch.
10:32 PM: The queen of hip-hop soul, Mary J. Blige, joins him onstage, and the pairing seems natural. Mary J. is trying her best not to outshine the new jack, and she succeeds.
10:35 PM: Jane The Virgin introduces Juanes. Where my Latinos at? We bout to turn this into a Colombian fiesta.
10:37 PM: I have no idea what he is saying. The only word I can make it is the name of the song, 'Juntos', which means together. I think. I have failed as a Latino. To be fair, he is singing REALLY fast. Slow down, you show-off.
10:39 PM: Prince! Looking like a creamsicle. Not a great fashion night for music's legends.
10:41 PM: OK, the awards are heavy now. Album of the year, one of the night's biggest awards, is about to be given out... to BECK?! Didn't they give this award last year to Daft Punk, the duo with the doofy helmets that can't even speak? I swear they're intentionally picking the least entertaining artist to take home the hardware.
10:42 PM: Did Kanye really pretend like he was going to go onstage to pull a... Kanye? As obnoxious as he's been in the past, this time it would've been justified. And no, I haven't heard Beck's album... but it's BECK! Come on, son.
10:49 PM: Sia is hiding her face yet again. Her reason for not exposing her identity is that she believes music should be more about substance than image, and I love that. But have you googled a picture of Sia? Do it, there's pics of her out there. Yeah, now you know the real reason why she's hiding.
10:50 PM: Kristin Wig? No way! Kind of hard for me to take this performance seriously with one of SNL's funniest ladies doing an interpretive dance but because I have an undercover crush on her, I approve.
10:53: Song of the year time. No more joking around. A lot of big players in this, including mi corazon, Taylor. And the Grammy goes to... Sam Smith. Zzzzzz. Paul Finch, report to the stage one more time.
10:58 PM: Just wanted to mention that during the commercial break, my mom is PISSED over Sia's performance. Apparently, this stems from Sia having her back to the audience. Among the words she used to describe this are 'stupid' and 'rude'. I'm so happy I have her here to share her expert analysis.
11:03 PM: If Beck and Chris Martin want to have a snooze fest, why not do it at the beginning of the show? I'm fatigued, people. I've been blogging for three hours! I'm about to knock out.
11:06 PM: Stevie's back. No more fat jokes, I promise.
11:07 PM: How did he get so big, though? I feel like this happened quickly. Maybe he was hiding all that fluffiness behind his piano all these years?
11:08 PM: Sam Smith wins Record of the year. I don't even care anymore. I need a snack.
11:15 PM: Oh, great. It's that boring, bearded guy who talks every year about making sure music doesn't become extinct. Until the quality of music improves, I'm illegally downloading all that shit. Middle finger to the industry, ya heard.
11:18 PM: Now we remember those no longer with us. Some heavy hitters here... Joe Cocker, Bobby Womack, Robin Williams, Maya Angelou, Little Jimmy Dickens. No, I have no idea who Little Jimmy Dickens is, but when you have a name like that, I don't care if you're dead or alive, I'm putting you in my blog.
11:28 PM: It's Beyoncé's turn to perform but I gotta be honest... I am running out of steam. We still have another performance after this and you see the time. And yes, it's another ballad. Let me get my Mets blanket, I'm fading quickly.
11:30 PM: She sang wonderfully. Or at least I imagined she did.
11:31 PM: It finally looks it's send-off time, and this one looks like a winner. John Legend, Common, 'Glory' from 'Selma'. This is powerful music. If the industry released substance like this on a more consistent basis, we wouldn't need that bearded buffoon to tell us to support the industry. How about the industry supports us with some good music for the mind and soul? Something with meaning?
11:37 PM: Show is over. At least I think it is. Or hope it is. But I made it! Man, this isn't easy. But it might be harder to read this and keep up with the frequent updates, so if you got to this point, I sincerely thank you. Or as Sam Smith would say, thank you for 'staying with me'. Corny, I know, but what do you want? It's almost midnight! Goodnight, familia.
7:30 PM: Last year, I got the brilliant(?) idea to post a live-streaming blog of the 2014 Grammys. And boy, did it suck the life out of me. I had no idea that bitch was three and a half hours long. WTF? However, it was a huge success, and to this day, it has the most views of any blog post I have ever done.
So guess what? I'M BACK FOR MORE.
I will be going live at 8 PM, when the show starts. Reminder in case you weren't part of the epic experience last year: Stay on this link, refresh every few minutes, new material will appear, you will be entertained... I hope.
You know the sub-plots by now... will Sam Smith clean house? Which creepy, old dude will come out as a surprise guest? And how much will my love forTaylor Swift grow? Find out in 30 mins.!
8:01 PM: Lights, cameras, action, muthafuckas! LL Cool J, our host for the fourth year, starts off the program sounding like he's on speed. And the opening act... AC/DC. For the first time in years! Blah. Looks like we've already filled our creepy, old guy quota for the night. But I'll be damned if these seniors ain't rocking out.
8:04 PM: The lead singer is wearing a crusty kangol, a tight black tee and even tighter black pants. And everyone in the audience is wearing devil's horns. 'Highway To Hell' is right. Even Satan would be afraid to be in attendance.
8:07 PM: Yup, LL still sucks as a host. I think he's even worse than last year.
8:09 PM: TAYLOR SWIFT! YESSSSSSS! My heartbeat just accelerated.
8:10 PM: And the first award of the night, Best New Artist, goes to... Sam Smith. Probably the least shocking thing we'll see tonight, as he was a certified lock to win this award. Who did I want to win? Anyone other than that fraud Iggy.
8:17 PM: Anna Kendrick, the white chick I like, just introduced Ariana Grande, the white chick I can't stand. Wouldn't be surprised if I'm not deaf in at least one ear after this debacle.
8:19 PM: What the hell does Big Sean find attractive about this chick? She looks like she's 13. Never have the Grammy's felt more like a Junior High School prom.
8:21 PM: Tom Jones in the building! It should be mandatory for Alphonso Ribeiro to accompany him wherever he goes and do the Carlton dance. The guy just won 'Dancing With The Stars'... show him some freakin' respect.
8:24 PM: Has to be mentioned: The OG Tommy Jones is rocking that white afro real tough.
8:26 PM: Best Pop Solo Performance time! Hoping for Taylor Swift or Pharrell. And the winner is... 'HAPPY'! FUCK YEAH! My favorite song of 2014! (Go read the blog later) So last year, Pharrell made a fashion statement with his humongous hat. This year, he looks normal... from the waist up. Very sharp jacket, and you know I'm pro-bow tie. But then he's sporting basketball shorts? Why do you do the things that you do, P?
8:33 PM: Mrs. Black Shelton, Miranda Lambert, is about to perform, and she actually looks attractive. The song, about her lil red wagon, blows cock, though.
8:35 PM: They're like wooooooo! They're like ahhhhhh! OK maybe it's growing on me.
8:37 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album is about to go down, presented by that acapella group who's name I can never get right and a mummified Barry Gibbs. And it's Sam Smith, again. Looks like the big night for the male Adele is getting started. Am I the only one who thinks he looks nothing like he sounds like? When I first heard him, I thought there was a chance he might be a brotha. Or at least a husky, bearded hipster. Slightly disappointed he looks like a syrupy sissy.
8:44 PM: Kanye West just hit the stage, surprisingly for the first time in six years. He's singing a song Paul McCartney wrote, which means it will probably win a Grammy next year. You know those Grammy bastards love anything Beatles.
8:47 PM: Sir Paul has to be regretting the fact he gave this song to Kanye. I can't even tell if it's a well-written song or not because Kanye's auto-tuned vocals are taking a giant shit all over it.
8:48 PM: Two of the industry's biggest puppets, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj, introduce the queen puppet, Madonna. Let the demonic symbolism commence!
8:49 PM: Dancers with horns? Check. Hell mention in the song? Check. Way to be subtle.
8:50 PM: We've officially reached the point where Madonna looks like the old chick at the club. I'm fully expecting her to start yelling 'DOORMAN' at any moment. Watching her thrust her decrepit pelvis out is making me uncomfortable.
8:55 PM: Best Rock Album is about to be announced, and I could care less who wins. Beck wins. Whoopie.
9:02 PM: Shocker... another Beatle wins an award. This time, George Harrison wins a Lifetime Achievement Award. Niles Rogers presents, looking like Lil Wayne in about 30 years. along with Smokey Robinson, who's eyes could not be opened wider.
9:04 PM: Best R&B Performance is given to Beyoncé. She's still getting awards? Seems like that album came out 3 years ago already.
9:05 PM: Funky ginger, aka Ed Sheeran, is on now. Does this dude ever comb his hair?
9:06 PM: I just realized that he says that he'll love the woman until she's 70. I always thought he was saying 17, which would've made this the official anthem for pedophiles worldwide.
9:09 PM: Forgot to say that he's joined on stage by John Mayer, who's proof that you could play that innocent, good guy role and still be a douchebag who catches mad bodies.
9:11 PM: I would say my musical expertise is on point, but I can say with a clear conscious that I have no idea who's on stage right now. Paul McCartney is excited so I'm guessing he's somewhat of a big deal, but I can't get past the fact that he looks like the love child of John Goodman and Ringo Starr (yes, another Beatles reference).
9:14 PM: Looks like it's the Electric Light Orchestra, for those who were waiting on the edge of their seats for me to figure that out.
9:15 PM: Ryan Seacrest, of 'American Idol' fame, introduces Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani, of 'The Voice'. I smell some reality singing competition show beef.
9:17 PM: Very cool song... but with all the upbeat hits that Ed Sheeran and Maroon 5 have, it's odd that they both sang ballads tonight. Someone better get this party started soon because I can't wait any longer to twerk.
9:25 PM: Awwww shit! My Hozier jam, 'Take Me To Church' is on now. Sprinkle some holy water all over these devils, my dude.
9:28 PM: Annie Lennox joins him and unlike most of these collaborations, she adds instead of subtracting. She's screaming 'AMEN' like she's about to catch the Holy Ghost. Goosebumps begin to form. We officially have a front runner for performance of the night.
9:31 PM: The Annie Lennox takeover is in full effect. WOW. For a woman who was just screaming 'Amen' a few minutes ago, she looks fuckin' possessed out her mind right now. This one is gonna be hard to beat.
9:32 PM: So Nick Jonas, who's song 'Jealous' I despise, is presenting for the genre I loathe the most, Best Country Album. Thank God Megan Trainor's sexy little Jewish ass is there next to him to distract me.
9:33 PM: Miranda Lambert wins. Blake looks on, creepily.
9:34 PM: The Weeknd comes out, who apparently my mom has never heard of, as she asks me why he doesn't like the weekdays. I don't know, Mom. I don't know.
9:35 PM: My brother Pharrell is up, looking like an usher. No, not Usher. An actual usher. From the theater. He may be happy... to show you to your seat. This ensemble also includes shorts, again. I'm guessing it's like 120 degrees over there since Pharrell refuses to wear pants.
9:36 PM: FINALLY! It's 'Happy' time! *starts twerking*
9:37 PM: In a mere six minutes, Hozier has some serious competition. Skateboard P!
9:44 PM: Obama talking about domestic violence. He's a week late if he wanted to reach the right audience.
9:47 PM: A spoken word from a domestic violence victim is followed by Katy Perry. All jokes aside, men that beat their women are cowards. One of my favorite artists of all-time, the late, GREAT 2 Pac, put it better than I ever could:
'And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women'
- 2 Pac 'Keep Ya Head Up'
BTW, if you're not impressed by how fast I pulled up that quote, then I don't know what to tell you.
9:52 PM: Katy did well, although I was kind of expecting Missy Elliott to be incorporated somehow. I'm spoiled.
9:55 PM: My mom and I are trying to figure out if this Imagine Dragons performance is part of the actual show. Turns out it was a commercial. Shit, even on a commercial break I can't relax.
10:00 PM: Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett reviving an American classic. I'm 99% sure Gaga is a demon, but hot damn she looks GOOD. I would say that I would hit that but her vagina may have teeth. I'm also convinced that Tony Bennett was forced to do this duet album, but he can't say anything because maybe someone has revealing pictures of him or something. A wrinkly dick pic, perhaps? Tony, blink twice if you're being forced to do this.
10:03 PM: The performances are coming non-stop this year. My fingers are cramping up hardcore. Can a brother get a moment to breathe? This time, Usher is doing a Stevie Wonder tribute. A tall order, for sure, as Stevie is one of the all-time greats. Dude is one of the last living legends around.
10:06 PM: OK, I know I just said Stevie is a legend... but he just came out, and he's the size of a fuckin' house. Somebody get this dude a copy of Insanity and a Planet Fitness membership quick. I gotta give him credit, though... those dreads are still hanging in there, albeit barely.
10:13 PM: Country performance. Time for a water break.
10:21 PM: Country crap is over, and now the performance I was really anticipating is on. Rihanna, Yeezy, Sir Paul. Unlike the last song Kanye sang, 'Four Five Seconds' hits the mark and looks like an early contender to be on my favorite songs of 2015 list.
10:23 PM: Rihanna is grabbing her balls.
10:24 PM: For a song that just came out, I'm impressed that so many people in the audience knew the words. Granted, two of those people were Kim Kardashian and Paul McCartney's wife, but still.
10:30 PM: TAYLOR! That's my boo, yo. And to think, at last year's show, I was beyond irritated with her. But is she not gonna perform? Really? I'm ready to shake it off in this bitch.
10:31 PM: The man of the night, Sam Smith, sings his monster hit, 'Stay With Me'. If they film another 'American Pie', Sam can definitely take on the role of Paul Finch.
10:32 PM: The queen of hip-hop soul, Mary J. Blige, joins him onstage, and the pairing seems natural. Mary J. is trying her best not to outshine the new jack, and she succeeds.
10:35 PM: Jane The Virgin introduces Juanes. Where my Latinos at? We bout to turn this into a Colombian fiesta.
10:37 PM: I have no idea what he is saying. The only word I can make it is the name of the song, 'Juntos', which means together. I think. I have failed as a Latino. To be fair, he is singing REALLY fast. Slow down, you show-off.
10:39 PM: Prince! Looking like a creamsicle. Not a great fashion night for music's legends.
10:41 PM: OK, the awards are heavy now. Album of the year, one of the night's biggest awards, is about to be given out... to BECK?! Didn't they give this award last year to Daft Punk, the duo with the doofy helmets that can't even speak? I swear they're intentionally picking the least entertaining artist to take home the hardware.
10:42 PM: Did Kanye really pretend like he was going to go onstage to pull a... Kanye? As obnoxious as he's been in the past, this time it would've been justified. And no, I haven't heard Beck's album... but it's BECK! Come on, son.
10:49 PM: Sia is hiding her face yet again. Her reason for not exposing her identity is that she believes music should be more about substance than image, and I love that. But have you googled a picture of Sia? Do it, there's pics of her out there. Yeah, now you know the real reason why she's hiding.
10:50 PM: Kristin Wig? No way! Kind of hard for me to take this performance seriously with one of SNL's funniest ladies doing an interpretive dance but because I have an undercover crush on her, I approve.
10:53: Song of the year time. No more joking around. A lot of big players in this, including mi corazon, Taylor. And the Grammy goes to... Sam Smith. Zzzzzz. Paul Finch, report to the stage one more time.
10:58 PM: Just wanted to mention that during the commercial break, my mom is PISSED over Sia's performance. Apparently, this stems from Sia having her back to the audience. Among the words she used to describe this are 'stupid' and 'rude'. I'm so happy I have her here to share her expert analysis.
11:03 PM: If Beck and Chris Martin want to have a snooze fest, why not do it at the beginning of the show? I'm fatigued, people. I've been blogging for three hours! I'm about to knock out.
11:06 PM: Stevie's back. No more fat jokes, I promise.
11:07 PM: How did he get so big, though? I feel like this happened quickly. Maybe he was hiding all that fluffiness behind his piano all these years?
11:08 PM: Sam Smith wins Record of the year. I don't even care anymore. I need a snack.
11:15 PM: Oh, great. It's that boring, bearded guy who talks every year about making sure music doesn't become extinct. Until the quality of music improves, I'm illegally downloading all that shit. Middle finger to the industry, ya heard.
11:18 PM: Now we remember those no longer with us. Some heavy hitters here... Joe Cocker, Bobby Womack, Robin Williams, Maya Angelou, Little Jimmy Dickens. No, I have no idea who Little Jimmy Dickens is, but when you have a name like that, I don't care if you're dead or alive, I'm putting you in my blog.
11:28 PM: It's Beyoncé's turn to perform but I gotta be honest... I am running out of steam. We still have another performance after this and you see the time. And yes, it's another ballad. Let me get my Mets blanket, I'm fading quickly.
11:30 PM: She sang wonderfully. Or at least I imagined she did.
11:31 PM: It finally looks it's send-off time, and this one looks like a winner. John Legend, Common, 'Glory' from 'Selma'. This is powerful music. If the industry released substance like this on a more consistent basis, we wouldn't need that bearded buffoon to tell us to support the industry. How about the industry supports us with some good music for the mind and soul? Something with meaning?
11:37 PM: Show is over. At least I think it is. Or hope it is. But I made it! Man, this isn't easy. But it might be harder to read this and keep up with the frequent updates, so if you got to this point, I sincerely thank you. Or as Sam Smith would say, thank you for 'staying with me'. Corny, I know, but what do you want? It's almost midnight! Goodnight, familia.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
MY SUPER BOWL PREDICTION!
The big game is amongst us. Get fired up! OOOOHHHHH YEAAAAAHHH!
Can we clap for a blogger with his bloggin' ass? I am 8-2 so far this postseason, which is pretty impressive considering that many of these games were evenly matched. Of course, I needed a historic Green Bay collapse to get to this point (poor Packers) but sometimes you need a lil luck (and not enough Andrew Luck) to succeed.
With the match-up set, let's see if I could lock down my 9th win and show the world who the real football guru is.
Let's do this...
Seahawks over Patriots
Vegas has this as a 1 point spread. And I can see why. These are the #1 seeds in each conference, both sizzling hot, both with the pedigree to claim the throne. The Pats, under Brady and Belichick, have been to the big show five times previously, making this their impressive sixth trip. They've taken home the trophy three times. While Seattle, under their current regime, doesn't have that past, they are the defending champs who embarrassed a far more impressive Denver squad a year ago. While New England is more well-rounded, Seattle plays to it's strengths, namely defense and a ferocious running game. It just so happens that those are usually the key elements to victory.
Let's re-visit the Pats two Super Bowl losses... and not just because I'm a Giants fan. OK, maybe it is because I'm a Giants fan, but that doesn't make the point I'm about to make any less valid. The way the underdog G-Men beat New England was simple... hit Tom Brady in the fuckin' mouth. I don't care how much of a world class quarterback you are, as Peyton Manning proved last year... you get enough pressure, you will fold. Well, unless you're Eli Manning against the Niners in the NFC Conference Championship game in 2012. But that's neither here or there. I can't see Seattle deviating too much from the Giants' blueprint, especially considering that's their style of play anyway.
Overall, Seattle is just a bad match-up for New England. Most experts have predicted a close game. I see the Seahawks winning by double digits.
Seattle 27, New England 17
So now only one question remains... ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?! Enjoy the game, y'all.
Can we clap for a blogger with his bloggin' ass? I am 8-2 so far this postseason, which is pretty impressive considering that many of these games were evenly matched. Of course, I needed a historic Green Bay collapse to get to this point (poor Packers) but sometimes you need a lil luck (and not enough Andrew Luck) to succeed.
With the match-up set, let's see if I could lock down my 9th win and show the world who the real football guru is.
Let's do this...
Seahawks over Patriots
Vegas has this as a 1 point spread. And I can see why. These are the #1 seeds in each conference, both sizzling hot, both with the pedigree to claim the throne. The Pats, under Brady and Belichick, have been to the big show five times previously, making this their impressive sixth trip. They've taken home the trophy three times. While Seattle, under their current regime, doesn't have that past, they are the defending champs who embarrassed a far more impressive Denver squad a year ago. While New England is more well-rounded, Seattle plays to it's strengths, namely defense and a ferocious running game. It just so happens that those are usually the key elements to victory.
Let's re-visit the Pats two Super Bowl losses... and not just because I'm a Giants fan. OK, maybe it is because I'm a Giants fan, but that doesn't make the point I'm about to make any less valid. The way the underdog G-Men beat New England was simple... hit Tom Brady in the fuckin' mouth. I don't care how much of a world class quarterback you are, as Peyton Manning proved last year... you get enough pressure, you will fold. Well, unless you're Eli Manning against the Niners in the NFC Conference Championship game in 2012. But that's neither here or there. I can't see Seattle deviating too much from the Giants' blueprint, especially considering that's their style of play anyway.
Overall, Seattle is just a bad match-up for New England. Most experts have predicted a close game. I see the Seahawks winning by double digits.
Seattle 27, New England 17
So now only one question remains... ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?! Enjoy the game, y'all.
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