7:55 PM: I was going back-n-forth on whether or not to do this but eff it, LETS DO THIS!
While you watch the Grammys (or during a commercial... or tomorrow? Shit, please find SOME time), you can check in here and read my commentary from this music-filled fuck fest. I'll be doing this LIVE, so I understand this may be challenging, but I will try my best to keep up. And if I keep up, y'all muthafuckas better keep up as well!
Simply stay on this link and refresh every few minutes and you should see some new material from your boy. Hope I keep you entertained!
8:01 PM: It's showtime! And we start with... Beyoncé. Blah. I'm sure I'm in the minority but I could go a few years without hearing from her. Not that she's not talented, just over-exposed. Everything in moderation, you know? She's singing 'Drunk In Love' so you know Jay is coming out. And he does, in a dapper tux. Oddly enough, although they're married, it looks like they don't know each other.Where's the chemistry? Jay even hesitated to grab her ass. Man, get a handful of that culo, playa! If you don't, I will!
8:08 PM: As much as I'm sick of Beyoncé, I wouldn't mind seeing her perform over hearing LL Cool J host. I love you L, you're one of the best MC's of all-time, but damn, we can't find a better, more entertaining host? Dude is cardboard.
8:11 PM: Pharrell has a giant piece of shit on his head. WTF man.
8:13 PM: First major award goes to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for Best New Artist. Over Kendrick Lamar, which, if you're a hip-hop head, is an outrage. I have mixed feelings on them. Love the messages in some of their songs but they're still a bit corny in conveying them.
8:16 PM: Ahhh shit, my bitch Lorde is performing. Wait, isn't this chick like 17 years old? She looks 35. And why is she convulsing on stage? That ain't cute, boo. Somebody get the holy water and sprinkle some on her. She looks possessed. And she's holding her mic while doing the triple 6 gesture. There is a 96% chance this performance is going to give me nightmares tonight.
8:25 PM: Commercial break over. And now I'm listening to the whining of some country cockhead named Hunter Hayes. Actually, he's aight, but enough with the non-bullying shit already. I understand it exists and it's a horrible thing but I think there's too much focus on the bad-asses out there and not enough on toughening up those who get bullied. But I digress.
8:29 PM: Always been oddly attracted to Anna Farris. And Anna Kendrick, too. They both currently occupy bench spots on my snowflake all-star team.
8:30 PM: Best Pop Duo award goes to Daft Punk and... Pharrell! We get to see that ridiculous hat again! Poor Pharrell is forced to talk because Daft Punk always rocks ginormous helmets. Are we sure there's actually people in those helmets? Remind me to google 'Daft Punk without helmets on' after the show.
8:32 PM: Obligatory Beatles shout-out. (Second of the night, I might add)
8:33 PM: Normally, I would be breaking out in hives because Katy Perry is about to perform but she's doing the one song from her that I actually like, 'Dark Horse'. Shit, I can't lie, I love this shit. Was very disappointed when I shazamed this and found out it was her. But life goes on.
8:35 PM: Juicy J sighting! An Oscar, and now sharing the stage with Katy Perry. He's one of the funniest dudes I've ever interviewed. And one of my few ignorant guilty pleasures. If I'm gonna dumb out, give me some Juicy J or 2 Chainz. I also enjoy how every song he does has a 'yeah hoe' chant in the background. Very classy.
8:43 PM: My mom is being a major groupie now that Chicago is performing. Or at least I hope it's because of Chicago because if it's for Robin Thicke, I'm gonna hurl. Thicke is going through some of the finest tracks in Chicago's catalog, which is cool 'cause he's performing with them, but after tonight he should only be allowed to perform 'Blurred Lines'. Like really, dude. I don't wanna hear you sing anything else.
8:46 PM: OK now we're talking! 'Blurred Lines!' *starts twerking* I love this shit. And with Chicago's horn section? Epic. Too bad he only did the one-minute version of it. I was really looking forward to seeing a third appearance from Pharrell's hat.
8:48 PM: Mr. Nicole Kidman is singing softly now. We can't go from Robin Thicke getting the crowd amped to Keith Urban putting everyone to sleep. Horrible transition. Not that I can hear any of this because my mom is reminiscing about all the Chicago concerts she's gone to. When she's done, we're both wondering who the black guy on stage is.
8:58 PM: Back after a much-needed extended commercial (my poor paws are killing me) and we got John Legend on the keys. Kind of amazing that he's been out for over a decade already. Not someone I associate with longevity but he's been in the game for a minute. He's singing 'All Of Me' which is a lovely tune, but I find it amusing that when they attempted to put the spotlight on his wife in the audience, they also captured some angry Danny Glover-looking dude, too. #LightingFail
9:01 PM: So apparently that black dude on stage earlier was Gary Clark, Jr. And yes, I only know that because they just showed him in the Best Rock category.
9:03 PM: It's pretty much a guarantee that if you feature Paul McCartney on your song, you're winning a grammy. This theory is proven correctly by Dave Grohl, as he just took home the Best Rock award. Any artist that wants some of that golden hardware, holla at the Sir.
9:06 PM: Oh joy, Taylor Swift! What's this bitch crying about now? I swear she drops something new every year just so she could perform at this show. How many years running has she been here? Five? Ten? I must say, I appreciate the fact the camera isn't on her during other artists' performances. I couldn't take her off-beat moves any longer. Huge improvement over last year.
9:09 PM: Love how she keeps swinging her head backwards. Makes her seem so edgy. Look at you, Taylor... living so dangerously!
9:16 PM: Back after another break and we got Pink performing. This chick's always performing in the air. I haven't seen a Pink performance on land in ages. And people in the audience are spinning her for no apparent reason. I'm confused.
9:19 PM: Pink has landed! Thank goodness. And now some topless beefcake is tossing her around. She can't catch a break.
9:20 PM: Nate Ruess from Fun joins Pink and boy, is he looking like a pedophile. Three quarters of the criminals on SVU look just like him. Creeper. Meanwhile, Pink is understandably out of breath after doing acrobatics and wrestling with some half-naked ogre. But she comes through and delivers a decent performance.
9:22 PM: Ladies, guard the back of your heads... Miguel is here! This dude should be forced to wear flip-flops to every award show, just in case he gets any ideas.
9:24 PM: Best Pop Solo award goes to Lorde. WTF, she looks older than when she performed earlier. She's the anti-Benjamin Button. By the end of the show, she's gonna look like Betty White.
9:30 PM: Why would you even attempt to have Ozzy Osbourne present anything? It's clear he's not even sure where he is. Mumbling muthafucka.
9:31 PM: It's Ringo Starr time, and as much respect as I have for the Beetles, this is looking like nap time. See y'all in a few.
9:35 PM: Just woke-up, and just in time, too. It's Rap/Sung Collabo award time, and it goes to... wait, Jamie Foxx just said he wants to apologize to Jay-Z for staring at Beyoncé... then Jay wins for 'Holy Grail' featuring JT. Awkward! Jay makes a joke about telling Blue Ivy that daddy's grammy will be a gold sippy cup for her. What an elitist. *rolls eyes*
9:44 PM: Back from the break and got damn... it's Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamar. And they are RIPPING IT! This shit just started and it's already the front-runner for best performance of the night. I clearly spoke too quickly about the Taylor Swift shots, though. For some reason, CBS thinks it's a great idea to show her bouncing off-beat and making an assface out of herself. But even her uncoordinated ass can't ruin this performance.
9:48 PM: It's official: I just added Kendrick to my extremely short list of artists I want to see live. And bring Imagine Dragons on the road with you. Wow. When Jay ever decides to leave rap alone for good, Kendrick is looking like the guy to carry the torch.
9:50: Naturally, after that display of energetic adrenaline, we get some chick named Kacey Musgraves (I had to google her name to make sure I got it right) boring us to death. Typical Grammy fashion. It's clear that whoever produces this show is not a DJ. Worst transitions ever.
10:00 PM: Julia Roberts talking about... the Beatles. Surprise! It's like, damn... all these Beatles mentions and that Ringo Starr performance. I'm surprised Paul McCartney hasn't performed tonight.
10:01 PM: Never mind. Of COURSE he's performing. And with Ringo Starr, nonetheless. My mom mentions that Paul was always her favorite Beatle. Thank you Mom, for all your wonderful insight. Where would I be without that piece of valuable information?
10:04 PM: Look at Yoko Ono getting down. All 74 pounds of her. Adorbs!
10:06 PM: Pharrell won producer of the year! The hat! Ahhhh!
10:06 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album up now. If Bruno Mars doesn't win, I'm rioting.
10:07 PM: YESSSSS!!! BRUNO!!! Now THAT is a well-deserved award. You know I hate pretty much everything, but that is a cool ass album. And did I mention I saw him in concert last year? Oh I did? Well I just said it again. Deal with it, sucka!
10:16 PM: Legendary stoner Willie Nelson on stage. I'd rather be lighting one up with him than listening to him sing.
10:17 PM: Great, now he's joined by three more country dudes. The only one I know is Blake Shelton, and the only words I made out were a few drug references. I'm lost.
10:20 PM: Imagine Dragons are covered in blood, nodding their heads to this country catastrophe. This makes no sense.
10:22 PM: Best Country Album time, and naturally, I'm pulling for Blake Shelton because A) he's one of the only ones I know, B) he's hilarious on 'The Voice', and C) I can't tolerate any more Taylor Swift.
10:23 PM: That Kacey Musgraves chick wins, which is the Grammys way of saying 'our bad for having you follow the most epic performance of the night.'
10:25 PM: If nobody's made a 'Pharrell's Hat' handle on Twitter yet, I'd be highly surprised. The one he's sporting now for his 'Get Lucky' performance w/ Daft Punk, Le Chic and Stevie Wonder(!!!) is not as extreme as the other. But he's still in Indiana Jones territory, and not in a good way.
10:28 PM: Ahhhh FREAK OUT!
10:29 PM: Is there any hope for white people when Paul McCartney snaps his fingers off-beat?
10:30 PM: The crowd is rocking out, and dammit, so am I! Funky-licious. So funky that apparently Steven Tyler thinks he's in a congo line. Most of the time, these Grammy collaborations are disasters but tonight, the Kendrick/Imagine Dragons and Pharrell/Stevie Wonder pairings were perfection.
10:36 PM: Cyndi Lauper tripping over her words. Nothing to see here.
10:37 PM: Carole King's performing tonight too? Between Chicago, Paul and this curly-haired cougar, my mom's head may explode. At least I'm hoping she's a cougar, because any woman that can perform with Sara Bareilles and not make me projectile vomit has to be at least mildly attractive.
10:40 PM: Song of the year! This is a biggie! You know I'm Team Bruno!
10:41 PM: Lorde wins for 'Royals'. How can I be mad at that? That was my favorite song of 2013 (and yes, that was a not-so-subtle push to get you to read my 'Favorite 40 Songs of 2013' blog if you haven't already). Lorde's co-songwriter joins her on stage and calls her by her real name, Ella. She soooo looks like an Ella.
10:49 PM: Oh look, it's that poser Jared Leto! Is he still pretending to be a bad-ass? That dude is softer than a marshmellow.
10:50 PM: This Asian dude is catching wreck on the piano! He looks to be of average height, which is interesting because I thought Asian pianists were usually smaller.
10:51 PM: I can't like Metallica. Not since Mariano Rivera picked 'Enter Sandman' as his theme music. And their douchebag drummer shutdown Napster. In protest, I'm finna download all their shit right now.
10:56 PM: Steven Tyler, still woozy from Pharrell's performance, presents with Smokey Robinson, doing his own rendition of 'You Got A Hold On Me'. Smokey follows by belting out 'Dude Looks Like A Lady'. How cute.
10:57 PM: Record of the year! And the winner is... Daft Punk? Whoa, didn't see that coming. As much as I'm Team Bruno, I was certain Lorde or Robin Thicke was taking that. Unfortunately, Steven Tyler does not congo. It must suck to win all of these awards and not be able to give thanks because you're wearing a ridiculous, over-sized helmet.
11:06 PM: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis are about to perform 'Same Love'. You know, the song about homosexuality. And Queen Latifah is introducing them. Is she's still pretending to be straight? How naïve do you have to be to think Queen Latifah is straight? Kind of ironic that the song is about being yourself and the Queen is still in the closet.
11:10 PM: Macklemore doing his thing and then... whoa, whoa, whoa... the Queen is back! Is this the moment? Nope... but 33 gay couples just got... married? I think? Is Queen Latifah certified to marry anyone? I thought she was a queen... now she's an ordained minister? I need to research this.
11:11 PM: And now Madonna comes out, looking like a hot ass mess. You're in your mid-50's, lady. Why are you still dressing like that? I'm sure that's what the newlyweds wanted to see as soon as they became official... Madonna's botox-injected face. These marriages aren't getting off to a good start.
11:22 PM: After thanking music teachers worldwide, it's time for the memoriam. Or the part of the show when you say 'oh shit, he died?'
11:23 PM: R.I.P. Chris Kelly of Kris Kross fame. I still have the cassette of their first album somewhere. JUMP, JUMP!
11:27 PM: Miranda Lambert and Billie Jo Armstrong (of Green Day fame) come together to sing an Everly Brothers jam in honor of one of the bros who passed away. Sadly, I still have JUMP, JUMP! in my head.
11:36 PM: Album of the year! It doesn't get any bigger than this! And... Daft Punk wins again. Womp womp. The Grammy board would give all these big awards to a duo of futuristic fucktards who can't even speak. No shade because I haven't heard their album, but from an entertainment standpoint, they had to be the worst choice to accept an award. What a letdown.
11:38 PM: I'm all grammy-ed out. And now there's a schmorgesborg of rockers on stage. With lots of blinking lights. Fuck it, I'm tired and this just put me over the top.
11:45 PM: It was fun, y'all. Thank you if you made it this far, I definitely appreciate it. I thought of this idea earlier today and wanted to challenge myself. Hopefully, this was a success. So Daft Punk... remove your helmets, Blue Ivy... drink out of your golden sippy cup, and Pharrell... set that hat on fire. Grammy night's over. Peace.
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