Fathers get such a bad name in this world. Sure, there's plenty of irresponsible a-holes out there but for every bad apple, there's a delicious Granny Smith waiting to be devoured. Hmmm, that doesn't make sense. Just watch the damn video. This is how you raise a lil lady into a future queen.
This is the main reason when I start reproducing (yikes), I want a daughter. Nothing like that daddy/daughter love, y'all!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
My least favorite songs of 2014
OMG there's a blizzard outside! Ahhhhh!
Well... not really.
I used to think NYC was gangsta. However, here I am, in a big city that's shut down because of flurries. It got me a day off from work so I'm not complaining, just disappointed in the thoroughness of my hometown. Man up, sissies.
The good news is you get this blog as a treat! A few days ago, I posted my annual 'favorite songs of the year' blog. If you haven't read it, GO NOW. It's splendid. But for the first time, I'm gonna do the yin to that yang. That's right... my LEAST favorite songs of 2014.
I know, I know... this list could be endless. I plan to use laser-like focus and shine the (dim) light on a select few that pissed me off the most. I'm sure there's plenty of unpopular songs that suck just as much as the mainstream ones, but picking on those lil-known jams wouldn't be right. I ain't no bully, y'all. The songs below can be considered hits in some regard, and by hits I mean I wanted to hit my head against the fuckin' wall whenever I heard them. Because they were played non-stop on the radio, they deserve the lashing they're about to get. Justice is about to be served.
Let's cue the garbage...
Rich Gang 'Lifestyle'
Migos 'Handsome & Wealthy'
I grouped these two songs together for a few reasons. One, they're equally horrible. Two, they represent a genre who supplied the majority of shitty music in '14. Three, I can't understand a word that either of these ass clowns are saying. I set my alarm to Power 105 in the AM and guess what I usually woke up to? This toxic waste. No wonder I was aggravated before I even set foot in the shower. Twenty years ago, I was listening to a young, illmatic Nas. 'Ready To Die', arguably the greatest hip-hop album ever dropped. The Wu were branching out with their solo projects after their monumental debut. Two decades later, I'm listening to rappers who sound like they have down syndrome. Seriously, these idiots aren't even audible. I've listened to the chorus of 'Lifestyle" carefully and I made out three words, max. Rap world, this is unacceptable. Step your effin' game up.
Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX 'Fancy'
First things first, you're the wackest. Have you heard this fraud speak in an interview? SHE'S AUSTRAILIAN. Why is she sounding so stereotypically 'urban' on all of her wack ass songs? This is a straight-up mockery of the culture and I won't stand for it. I feel bad for Charli XCX's fine ass who had to try and save this shit with the only thing salvageable about it, the chorus. Even with the vailiant effort, this was still a fail. Oh yeah, I hated 'Black Widow' too, beeyotch.
Jessi J feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj 'Bang Bang'
The inclusion of this song is important because A) I hate the song and B) I hated everything the featured artists dropped last year. 'Problem', 'Break Free', 'Anaconda'... HATED IT ALL. How anyone can listen to Ariana Grande's voice without their ears bleeding is beyond me. Nicki sounding like a psycho slut on every record? Yawn. And then this catastrophe. Save yourself from these pitiful puppets, Jessi J. Good thing I don't own a firearm or it would be 'bang bang' for real for real. *thug voice*
Pitbull feat. Ke$ha 'Timber'
Pitbull, mi primo! Que paso? For years, you've entertained the universe with your electric energy. But last year? No bueno. Your chants of 'Dale' were finally starting to get stale. Your beat selection, usually top notch, was bottom shelf. And then you got this trashy hoe to sing this horrible hook. Your last album, 'Globalization', was a sign that there might be a sudden end to your Cuban reign. I know this song wasn't on there but it was still the biggest turd you dropped in '14. Ay Dios mio.
Magic! 'Rude'
Just what I wanted to hear, a bunch of reggae-influenced Canadians whining about their future father-in-law. No wonder he doesn't want you to marry his daughter... because of garbage like this. Shit, I'd be rude too if this was my potential son-in-law's plea. I have a handful of Caribbean-themed songs on my iPod but I can assure you, this ain't one of them. The real magic would be if we could make these fucktards disappear.
Jason Derulo 'Trumpets'
Can this guy dance? Sure. Am I hating on him because he was boning that goddess Jordin Sparks? Maybe a lil. But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the most poorly-written songs in recent memory. 'Is it weird that your ass remind me of a Kanye West song?' Yes, it's fuckin' weird. And borderline homosexual. Why the hell would you write (or sing) such a thing? The songwriter should be banned from ever lifting a pen in his lifetime.
John Legend 'All Of Me'
And here is where the female demographic loses their shit. I fully expect riots over this selection but guess what? I DON'T CARE. Let's call a spade a spade. I love a beautiful ballad as much as the next person, but this overly sappy, insincere ode to his overrated wife? No thank you. I want that Luther-type shit, feel me? I'm sure this song will be played at weddings for years to come, and if you're planning to play this at your ceremony and you want me there, I'M NOT COMING.
OK, let me stop there. I feel my blood pressure rising and I'm not trying to catch a heart attack over a blog. While I take some deep breaths, I hope you enjoy the rest of the day, especially my fellow NYers who are 'snowed in'. *Rolls eyes* Peace, punks.
Well... not really.
I used to think NYC was gangsta. However, here I am, in a big city that's shut down because of flurries. It got me a day off from work so I'm not complaining, just disappointed in the thoroughness of my hometown. Man up, sissies.
The good news is you get this blog as a treat! A few days ago, I posted my annual 'favorite songs of the year' blog. If you haven't read it, GO NOW. It's splendid. But for the first time, I'm gonna do the yin to that yang. That's right... my LEAST favorite songs of 2014.
I know, I know... this list could be endless. I plan to use laser-like focus and shine the (dim) light on a select few that pissed me off the most. I'm sure there's plenty of unpopular songs that suck just as much as the mainstream ones, but picking on those lil-known jams wouldn't be right. I ain't no bully, y'all. The songs below can be considered hits in some regard, and by hits I mean I wanted to hit my head against the fuckin' wall whenever I heard them. Because they were played non-stop on the radio, they deserve the lashing they're about to get. Justice is about to be served.
Let's cue the garbage...
Rich Gang 'Lifestyle'
Migos 'Handsome & Wealthy'
I grouped these two songs together for a few reasons. One, they're equally horrible. Two, they represent a genre who supplied the majority of shitty music in '14. Three, I can't understand a word that either of these ass clowns are saying. I set my alarm to Power 105 in the AM and guess what I usually woke up to? This toxic waste. No wonder I was aggravated before I even set foot in the shower. Twenty years ago, I was listening to a young, illmatic Nas. 'Ready To Die', arguably the greatest hip-hop album ever dropped. The Wu were branching out with their solo projects after their monumental debut. Two decades later, I'm listening to rappers who sound like they have down syndrome. Seriously, these idiots aren't even audible. I've listened to the chorus of 'Lifestyle" carefully and I made out three words, max. Rap world, this is unacceptable. Step your effin' game up.
Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX 'Fancy'
First things first, you're the wackest. Have you heard this fraud speak in an interview? SHE'S AUSTRAILIAN. Why is she sounding so stereotypically 'urban' on all of her wack ass songs? This is a straight-up mockery of the culture and I won't stand for it. I feel bad for Charli XCX's fine ass who had to try and save this shit with the only thing salvageable about it, the chorus. Even with the vailiant effort, this was still a fail. Oh yeah, I hated 'Black Widow' too, beeyotch.
Jessi J feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj 'Bang Bang'
The inclusion of this song is important because A) I hate the song and B) I hated everything the featured artists dropped last year. 'Problem', 'Break Free', 'Anaconda'... HATED IT ALL. How anyone can listen to Ariana Grande's voice without their ears bleeding is beyond me. Nicki sounding like a psycho slut on every record? Yawn. And then this catastrophe. Save yourself from these pitiful puppets, Jessi J. Good thing I don't own a firearm or it would be 'bang bang' for real for real. *thug voice*
Pitbull feat. Ke$ha 'Timber'
Pitbull, mi primo! Que paso? For years, you've entertained the universe with your electric energy. But last year? No bueno. Your chants of 'Dale' were finally starting to get stale. Your beat selection, usually top notch, was bottom shelf. And then you got this trashy hoe to sing this horrible hook. Your last album, 'Globalization', was a sign that there might be a sudden end to your Cuban reign. I know this song wasn't on there but it was still the biggest turd you dropped in '14. Ay Dios mio.
Magic! 'Rude'
Just what I wanted to hear, a bunch of reggae-influenced Canadians whining about their future father-in-law. No wonder he doesn't want you to marry his daughter... because of garbage like this. Shit, I'd be rude too if this was my potential son-in-law's plea. I have a handful of Caribbean-themed songs on my iPod but I can assure you, this ain't one of them. The real magic would be if we could make these fucktards disappear.
Jason Derulo 'Trumpets'
Can this guy dance? Sure. Am I hating on him because he was boning that goddess Jordin Sparks? Maybe a lil. But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the most poorly-written songs in recent memory. 'Is it weird that your ass remind me of a Kanye West song?' Yes, it's fuckin' weird. And borderline homosexual. Why the hell would you write (or sing) such a thing? The songwriter should be banned from ever lifting a pen in his lifetime.
John Legend 'All Of Me'
And here is where the female demographic loses their shit. I fully expect riots over this selection but guess what? I DON'T CARE. Let's call a spade a spade. I love a beautiful ballad as much as the next person, but this overly sappy, insincere ode to his overrated wife? No thank you. I want that Luther-type shit, feel me? I'm sure this song will be played at weddings for years to come, and if you're planning to play this at your ceremony and you want me there, I'M NOT COMING.
OK, let me stop there. I feel my blood pressure rising and I'm not trying to catch a heart attack over a blog. While I take some deep breaths, I hope you enjoy the rest of the day, especially my fellow NYers who are 'snowed in'. *Rolls eyes* Peace, punks.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
My favorite 30 songs of 2014
...and here's the BIG ONE!
Hmm... you don't look excited :-/
While you build up some energy, I'll say this: As the new year approaches and everyone prepares their resolutions that won't last until February, I salivate at the chance to display my favorite songs to the entire universe. Or my mom. Whatever. I love making this list. I love sharing this list. I love reading it more times than I'm willing to admit after it's done. I just love it.
A refresher for those who haven't read this post before... this is a list of my favorite songs of the past year. See that word there? Favorite? That's the key word right thurr (#chingy). My favorite songs are not always the best songs. Shit, I would argue they hardly ever are. But I am an equal opportunity song selector, so along with your usual high-quality jams, you'll get some guilty pleasures that would make even the most confident man blush. I put careful consideration into this list, tracking the songs I frequently play on my iPod and jotting them down throughout the year. Once December dwindles down, I start finalizing the list and prepare it to get presented to the public.
And the time has come to unveil the magic.
An added note, which is sad, actually... When I first started this list, it was a top 50. Then last year I slimmed it down to 40 because I wanted to write more about each entry. Well, that and music sucks now. Guess what happened to music in 2014? It sucked more than the year before. This is a far too familiar trend that has happened for at least the past ten years. So with much disgust, I say that this year, I shrunk the list even more, down to my favorite 30 songs. And I'll be honest, even that was a challenge. I don't care who you are in the industry, whether you're a platinum-selling artist, a CEO at a giant label or a damn intern sending out e-mail blasts to a bunch of local fucktards... I hate you all. Do better, or this sacred list will become a top 5 next year.
Ok no more nonsense... here is my favorite songs of 2014! Enjoy!
30. Echosmith 'Cool Kids'
I love when artists make songs about me & my friends
29. Romeo Santos feat. Drake 'Odio'
The moment you realize a Canadian rapper speaks better Spanish than your Latino ass
28. Taylor Swift 'Welcome To New York'
Welcome to New York? No, welcome to my heart, you beautiful, blonde beast
27. Sheppard 'Geronimo'
Can you feel my love? Bombs away in this bitch!
26. Sia 'Chandelier'
Who knew a song about alcoholism would make me wanna drink a brewski and start interpretive dancing?
25. Drake 'Trophies'
I do listen to rap occasionally
24. Coldplay 'A Sky Full Of Stars'
The only way I'm ever listening to Chris Martin is over a funky dance beat
23. Kid Cudi 'Satellite Flight'
Would've been higher except I saw him in concert and he didn't do an encore. Not cool, Cudi
22. Shakira feat. Carlinhos Brown 'La La La'
21. Aloe Blacc & David Correy 'The World Is Ours'
My world cup-themed treadmill anthems
20. Ed Sheeran 'Sing'
And they say gingers can't get funky
19. Tove Lo 'Habits'
I shazamed this song while in a bar in Feb. Welcome to the party six months later, sleepyheads
18. Taylor Swift 'New Romance'
It might be a new romance but it's a real romance. I love you, Taylor Swift
17. Alicia Keys feat. Kendrick Lamar 'It's On Again'
The best part about 'The Amazing Spider Man 2'
16. E-40 feat. T-Pain, Kid Ink & B.o.B 'Red Cup'
Most of the time I like intelligent rap. The other times I like shit like 'booty big enough to put a red cup on it'
15. Fabolous feat. Ryan Leslie 'Lay Down'
'The Soul Tape 3' was the mixtape of the year. I only heard about 3 but still
14. Tinashe feat. Schoolboy Q '2 On'
Added this just so I could say MUSTARD ON THE BEAT, HOE
13. Paramore 'Ain't It Fun'
The song that finally got me to stop crying to my mama
12. Kendrick Lamar 'I'
A rap song with a positive message? *gasp* THIS is what we need in 2015
11. Hozier 'Take Me To Church'
As someone who has not visited a holy house in quite some time, I can appreciate the title
10. Michael Jackson 'Love Never Felt So Good'
My favorite artist of all-time... Michael Jackson. I feel confident that that answer will remain the same until the day that I die. After MJ died years ago, I thought I was done being delighted by new MJ material. While I still have the classic MJ jams on repeat, this gem is just another to add to my enormous collection. Love never felt so good, and MJ never sounded so great. RIP to the king.
9. B.o.B 'Coastline'
When I'm naming my favorite hip-hop artists, I never mention B.o.B. And maybe he's not one of them. But every year, he always ends up on my favorite songs list. There's an honesty in his music... a truth that is absent in a lot of current rap. 'Maybe I'm blind by human desire or human design.' I mean, WHOA. You're not getting that type of insight in a Young Thug song.
8. Eminem feat. Sia 'Guts Over Fear'
I know Eminem has been a monster on the mic for over 15 years, mainstream-wise. But it took his most recent compilation, and more specifically this song, to make me realize he is easily a top 5 all-time MC. Yes, he's done his share of underdog anthems but that doesn't take away from the awesomeness of this one. Plus it's the perfect hook for Sia's emo ass. Bravo, man.
7. Fitz & The Tantrums 'The Walker'
Saw these guys open for Bruno Mars in 2013 (have I mentioned how delightful that concert was?) and knew they would eventually break out. Well, they did, and in a big way. 'Oh! Here we go! Feel it in my soul!' EFF YEAH. Sometimes it's that simple, folks.
6. J. Cole 'Love Yourz'
You would be a fool if you didn't consider J. Cole one of rap's biggest talents. For years, he has shown glimpses of why he deserved to be considered in such high regard. However, he was lacking that one album that people could point to as indisputable evidence. Finally, he delivered. Not only was '2014 Forest Hills Drive' easily his best project, but it was also the genre's finest offering of the year. His simple message on this track... to love and appreciate what you have... is simple, yet escapes many of us. The reminder is appreciated.
5. Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne 'Rather Be'
Every time I'm catching a Mets game at Citi Field on a warm summer night, sipping on a delicious, cold brewski, I think to myself... why isn't there a song that sums up how I am feeling right now? How, out of any place in the entire world, I would rather be right here in this perfect paradise? I think you can guess what I'll be listening to on the 7 train next season.
4. Maroon 5 'Lost Stars'
My favorite movie of the year starred Adam Levine. Yes, that's something I thought I'd never say. But 'Begin Again' was that SHIT. Indie singer/songwriter tunes with my hometown as it's backdrop? Highly recommend it. This song was the crown jewel of a spectacular soundtrack. 'Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?' Sing it, you lil bearded divo.
3. Taylor Swift 'Shake It Off'
2014 will always be remembered as the year I fell in love with Taylor Swift. As recently as a few months ago, I couldn't stand her. I hated the way she dropped an album every year, only to whine about some bitch boy who broke her heart. But this new Taylor? That's bae. My favorite song off my favorite album of the year, which also doubles as my favorite video of the year. The trifecta. And you deserve it, boo.
2. Katy Perry feat. Juicy J 'Dark Horse'
Just to make 2014 any stranger... if you would've asked me 12 months ago which entertainers I hated the most, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry would've comfortably been in my top 5. And now they both have songs in my top 3. I remember the disappointment I felt when I shazamed this and saw that it was Katy Perry. I felt abused. But I can't lie, addictive song. Plus one of my proudest achievements of 2014 was memorizing Juicy J's verse. You win for now, Perry.
1. Pharrell Williams 'Happy'
If you know me, you know there's no other choice. And I don't care if you're sick of it. I've heard it several thousand times myself and guess what? I WANT MORE. Isn't good music supposed to make you feel... good? When people say music sucks now, what they really mean is there's no feeling. You know what I like feeling? Muthafuckin' happy. Thank you, Pharrell, for proving that you could still have a massive hit without having a negative impact on society. Now lose the giant hat and let's focus on having an equally happy 2015.
Until next year, I bid you adieu. Let's just hope I have enough good songs to choose from.
Hmm... you don't look excited :-/
While you build up some energy, I'll say this: As the new year approaches and everyone prepares their resolutions that won't last until February, I salivate at the chance to display my favorite songs to the entire universe. Or my mom. Whatever. I love making this list. I love sharing this list. I love reading it more times than I'm willing to admit after it's done. I just love it.
A refresher for those who haven't read this post before... this is a list of my favorite songs of the past year. See that word there? Favorite? That's the key word right thurr (#chingy). My favorite songs are not always the best songs. Shit, I would argue they hardly ever are. But I am an equal opportunity song selector, so along with your usual high-quality jams, you'll get some guilty pleasures that would make even the most confident man blush. I put careful consideration into this list, tracking the songs I frequently play on my iPod and jotting them down throughout the year. Once December dwindles down, I start finalizing the list and prepare it to get presented to the public.
And the time has come to unveil the magic.
An added note, which is sad, actually... When I first started this list, it was a top 50. Then last year I slimmed it down to 40 because I wanted to write more about each entry. Well, that and music sucks now. Guess what happened to music in 2014? It sucked more than the year before. This is a far too familiar trend that has happened for at least the past ten years. So with much disgust, I say that this year, I shrunk the list even more, down to my favorite 30 songs. And I'll be honest, even that was a challenge. I don't care who you are in the industry, whether you're a platinum-selling artist, a CEO at a giant label or a damn intern sending out e-mail blasts to a bunch of local fucktards... I hate you all. Do better, or this sacred list will become a top 5 next year.
Ok no more nonsense... here is my favorite songs of 2014! Enjoy!
30. Echosmith 'Cool Kids'
I love when artists make songs about me & my friends
29. Romeo Santos feat. Drake 'Odio'
The moment you realize a Canadian rapper speaks better Spanish than your Latino ass
28. Taylor Swift 'Welcome To New York'
Welcome to New York? No, welcome to my heart, you beautiful, blonde beast
27. Sheppard 'Geronimo'
Can you feel my love? Bombs away in this bitch!
26. Sia 'Chandelier'
Who knew a song about alcoholism would make me wanna drink a brewski and start interpretive dancing?
25. Drake 'Trophies'
I do listen to rap occasionally
24. Coldplay 'A Sky Full Of Stars'
The only way I'm ever listening to Chris Martin is over a funky dance beat
23. Kid Cudi 'Satellite Flight'
Would've been higher except I saw him in concert and he didn't do an encore. Not cool, Cudi
22. Shakira feat. Carlinhos Brown 'La La La'
21. Aloe Blacc & David Correy 'The World Is Ours'
My world cup-themed treadmill anthems
20. Ed Sheeran 'Sing'
And they say gingers can't get funky
19. Tove Lo 'Habits'
I shazamed this song while in a bar in Feb. Welcome to the party six months later, sleepyheads
18. Taylor Swift 'New Romance'
It might be a new romance but it's a real romance. I love you, Taylor Swift
17. Alicia Keys feat. Kendrick Lamar 'It's On Again'
The best part about 'The Amazing Spider Man 2'
16. E-40 feat. T-Pain, Kid Ink & B.o.B 'Red Cup'
Most of the time I like intelligent rap. The other times I like shit like 'booty big enough to put a red cup on it'
15. Fabolous feat. Ryan Leslie 'Lay Down'
'The Soul Tape 3' was the mixtape of the year. I only heard about 3 but still
14. Tinashe feat. Schoolboy Q '2 On'
Added this just so I could say MUSTARD ON THE BEAT, HOE
13. Paramore 'Ain't It Fun'
The song that finally got me to stop crying to my mama
12. Kendrick Lamar 'I'
A rap song with a positive message? *gasp* THIS is what we need in 2015
11. Hozier 'Take Me To Church'
As someone who has not visited a holy house in quite some time, I can appreciate the title
10. Michael Jackson 'Love Never Felt So Good'
My favorite artist of all-time... Michael Jackson. I feel confident that that answer will remain the same until the day that I die. After MJ died years ago, I thought I was done being delighted by new MJ material. While I still have the classic MJ jams on repeat, this gem is just another to add to my enormous collection. Love never felt so good, and MJ never sounded so great. RIP to the king.
9. B.o.B 'Coastline'
When I'm naming my favorite hip-hop artists, I never mention B.o.B. And maybe he's not one of them. But every year, he always ends up on my favorite songs list. There's an honesty in his music... a truth that is absent in a lot of current rap. 'Maybe I'm blind by human desire or human design.' I mean, WHOA. You're not getting that type of insight in a Young Thug song.
8. Eminem feat. Sia 'Guts Over Fear'
I know Eminem has been a monster on the mic for over 15 years, mainstream-wise. But it took his most recent compilation, and more specifically this song, to make me realize he is easily a top 5 all-time MC. Yes, he's done his share of underdog anthems but that doesn't take away from the awesomeness of this one. Plus it's the perfect hook for Sia's emo ass. Bravo, man.
7. Fitz & The Tantrums 'The Walker'
Saw these guys open for Bruno Mars in 2013 (have I mentioned how delightful that concert was?) and knew they would eventually break out. Well, they did, and in a big way. 'Oh! Here we go! Feel it in my soul!' EFF YEAH. Sometimes it's that simple, folks.
6. J. Cole 'Love Yourz'
You would be a fool if you didn't consider J. Cole one of rap's biggest talents. For years, he has shown glimpses of why he deserved to be considered in such high regard. However, he was lacking that one album that people could point to as indisputable evidence. Finally, he delivered. Not only was '2014 Forest Hills Drive' easily his best project, but it was also the genre's finest offering of the year. His simple message on this track... to love and appreciate what you have... is simple, yet escapes many of us. The reminder is appreciated.
5. Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne 'Rather Be'
Every time I'm catching a Mets game at Citi Field on a warm summer night, sipping on a delicious, cold brewski, I think to myself... why isn't there a song that sums up how I am feeling right now? How, out of any place in the entire world, I would rather be right here in this perfect paradise? I think you can guess what I'll be listening to on the 7 train next season.
4. Maroon 5 'Lost Stars'
My favorite movie of the year starred Adam Levine. Yes, that's something I thought I'd never say. But 'Begin Again' was that SHIT. Indie singer/songwriter tunes with my hometown as it's backdrop? Highly recommend it. This song was the crown jewel of a spectacular soundtrack. 'Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?' Sing it, you lil bearded divo.
3. Taylor Swift 'Shake It Off'
2014 will always be remembered as the year I fell in love with Taylor Swift. As recently as a few months ago, I couldn't stand her. I hated the way she dropped an album every year, only to whine about some bitch boy who broke her heart. But this new Taylor? That's bae. My favorite song off my favorite album of the year, which also doubles as my favorite video of the year. The trifecta. And you deserve it, boo.
2. Katy Perry feat. Juicy J 'Dark Horse'
Just to make 2014 any stranger... if you would've asked me 12 months ago which entertainers I hated the most, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry would've comfortably been in my top 5. And now they both have songs in my top 3. I remember the disappointment I felt when I shazamed this and saw that it was Katy Perry. I felt abused. But I can't lie, addictive song. Plus one of my proudest achievements of 2014 was memorizing Juicy J's verse. You win for now, Perry.
1. Pharrell Williams 'Happy'
If you know me, you know there's no other choice. And I don't care if you're sick of it. I've heard it several thousand times myself and guess what? I WANT MORE. Isn't good music supposed to make you feel... good? When people say music sucks now, what they really mean is there's no feeling. You know what I like feeling? Muthafuckin' happy. Thank you, Pharrell, for proving that you could still have a massive hit without having a negative impact on society. Now lose the giant hat and let's focus on having an equally happy 2015.
Until next year, I bid you adieu. Let's just hope I have enough good songs to choose from.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
NFL CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP PREDICTIONS!
Brady. Rodgers. Wilson. Luck?
Yes, Andrew Luck. Talking about making the leap. Luck and his Colts knocked off the Broncos in upset fashion last week, to the chagrin of many, including myself, as a Denver win would've had my playoff record at an impressive 7-1. The loss caused major ripples in the Denver sea, including the team mutually agreeing to part ways with head coach John Fox (or in other words, they fired his ass). Really wanted to see Peyton try to get that elusive second ring which seems to be the only thing keeping him from being considered the greatest quarterback of all-time. Greatest regular season QB ever? Sure. But with so many epic signal callers in the past (and present), it's tough to put Peyton on the top of that list with such a mediocre postseason history.
While the Colts were a mild surprise, the other teams are usual suspects. Brady and his Pats are more than familiar with this stage, winning three rings and playing in the big game five times since 2002. (refresher, those two losses were to my NEW YORK GIANTS! Weeeheeee!) Rodgers and the Pack took home the hardware in 2010 and have had multiple playoff appearances since. Russ Wilson and the Seahawks are looking to be the first team to go back-to-back since the Pats ten years ago. Can Luck make the Super leap? Lots of intriguing storylines going into today.
And the picks...
PATRIOTS over Colts
So I guess this answers my last question. Andrew Luck is now comfortably in the upper echelon of current QB's after two impressive playoff wins. While a win against the Bengals isn't an incredible feat, to beat a rested, heavily-favorited Denver team and do it on the road was a head-turner. Sure, Indy's defense (and Peyton's horrible arm) had a lot to do with the victory, but with Luck at the healm, any game is winnable. Beating the Pats in New England in January would be a tough task for anyone, let alone a young QB still getting his postseason feet wet. As much as I don't want to see it, I expect the golden boy and hoody to confuse Luck enough to win by a touchdown.
SEAHAWKS over Packers
I know I'm going chalk here but doesn't a Pats/Hawks Super Bowl seem inevitable? Trust me, I'd much rather see Colts/Packers but I can't see it, especially not in this game. A hobbled Rodgers was enough to conquer the Cowgirls last week (Thank God) but this isn't a home came against a notoriously underwhelming team. This is a road test against Seattle's vaunted defense, on the verge of a repeat appearance to the big show. Don't think Rodgers has enough legs... and I don't think Green Bay's defense has enough cojones to stop Young Russ. I'll be cheering for stud WR's Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb, celebrated members of my fantasy teams the past two years, but I see the Hawks winning easily.
So there you have it... two of the final three games of the NFL season. I'll be back in two weeks with my SUPER BOWL PREDICTION! Enjoy the games, amigos.
Yes, Andrew Luck. Talking about making the leap. Luck and his Colts knocked off the Broncos in upset fashion last week, to the chagrin of many, including myself, as a Denver win would've had my playoff record at an impressive 7-1. The loss caused major ripples in the Denver sea, including the team mutually agreeing to part ways with head coach John Fox (or in other words, they fired his ass). Really wanted to see Peyton try to get that elusive second ring which seems to be the only thing keeping him from being considered the greatest quarterback of all-time. Greatest regular season QB ever? Sure. But with so many epic signal callers in the past (and present), it's tough to put Peyton on the top of that list with such a mediocre postseason history.
While the Colts were a mild surprise, the other teams are usual suspects. Brady and his Pats are more than familiar with this stage, winning three rings and playing in the big game five times since 2002. (refresher, those two losses were to my NEW YORK GIANTS! Weeeheeee!) Rodgers and the Pack took home the hardware in 2010 and have had multiple playoff appearances since. Russ Wilson and the Seahawks are looking to be the first team to go back-to-back since the Pats ten years ago. Can Luck make the Super leap? Lots of intriguing storylines going into today.
And the picks...
PATRIOTS over Colts
So I guess this answers my last question. Andrew Luck is now comfortably in the upper echelon of current QB's after two impressive playoff wins. While a win against the Bengals isn't an incredible feat, to beat a rested, heavily-favorited Denver team and do it on the road was a head-turner. Sure, Indy's defense (and Peyton's horrible arm) had a lot to do with the victory, but with Luck at the healm, any game is winnable. Beating the Pats in New England in January would be a tough task for anyone, let alone a young QB still getting his postseason feet wet. As much as I don't want to see it, I expect the golden boy and hoody to confuse Luck enough to win by a touchdown.
SEAHAWKS over Packers
I know I'm going chalk here but doesn't a Pats/Hawks Super Bowl seem inevitable? Trust me, I'd much rather see Colts/Packers but I can't see it, especially not in this game. A hobbled Rodgers was enough to conquer the Cowgirls last week (Thank God) but this isn't a home came against a notoriously underwhelming team. This is a road test against Seattle's vaunted defense, on the verge of a repeat appearance to the big show. Don't think Rodgers has enough legs... and I don't think Green Bay's defense has enough cojones to stop Young Russ. I'll be cheering for stud WR's Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb, celebrated members of my fantasy teams the past two years, but I see the Hawks winning easily.
So there you have it... two of the final three games of the NFL season. I'll be back in two weeks with my SUPER BOWL PREDICTION! Enjoy the games, amigos.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
* THE FIRST ANNUAL PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD *
I have a lot more blogs coming up... including the long awaited top songs of 2014 list (I swear, it's coming!) but in between I want to introduce to you a new tradition. A tradition that honors one person... a trend-setter, a game-changer... who deserves to be recognized for their great achievements of the past year.
I can almost guarantee that most years, this person will not be an entertainer. Why? Because 99% of them are worthless. And the 1% that is worth breathing are doing what they should be doing anyway... entertaining us properly. No extra accolades for doing your job, asshole. Also safe to say this person will not be a politician, for similar reasons. In this year's case, the person of the year is just an average Joe just like you and I (although to be fair, I'm probably a bit cooler than you). I want to lie and say there were plenty of good candidates but I did not have to put much thought into this because there was only one person that came to mind.
I'm gonna warn you... the person of the year is a man... who laid his hands on a woman. This is the time where you're thinking it's Ray Rice, that fuck face who spat on his fiancée before slapping her unconscious and dragging her out of a hotel elevator. To which I say NOOOOO, it is not him. What kind of sick animal do you think I am? That was a disgusting act that made me ashamed of ever owning him on one of my fantasy teams. I hate you, Ray Rice.
No, this man laid his hands on a woman, but he did it for the benefit of humankind. Although I am sure he did not intend to be, he is indeed a hero, who with one slap waged war against bullies and chickenheads who have been lurking this Earth for way too long.
2014's person of the year is Jorge Pena.
If you're not from New York, the name may not ring a bell. Shit, the name may not be immediately familiar to my fellow city dwellers. But Mr. Pena needs to be universally known for his act of courage. Jorge was riding the F train, presumably minding his own business, when a trio of birds who lacked home training started verbally attacking his choice of wardrobe. Being the gentleman that he is, Mr. Pena ignored this barrage, keeping his cool and letting these young shits embarrass themselves. But then the leader(?) of the pack got aggressive with the dude who was shooting all of this on his phone, aggressively knocking the phone out of his hand. That's when Jorge put on his cape and came to the rescue.
If you're impatient, I posted the clip below, and if you've seen it before, you know how this ends. Jorge questions why she would do that, she responds, he calls her a bitch, and she hits him. Then magic happens. Jorge cocks back and delivers a slap that sends Danay Howard several feet back. The slap heard around the world. Even the original clip is titled so perfectly... 'man slaps the soul out of girl on the NY subway'. Congrats, Danay. You are now known as the idiot who tried to bully a 6 foot 5 inch bouncer and ended up with a giant handprint on your face, as well as being a joke on the internet for years to come. I'm sure your parents are proud.
To many, this was just an ordinary slap, a normal scuffle that takes place too often if you ride the subway out here, especially at night. But this was much deeper than that. In fact, this was deeper than rap (that doesn't make sense, it just sounds cool). Let me explain.
The slap helped spark the discussion about what should be the proper actions of a man after he is struck by a woman first. I believe in equality for all, regardless of gender. If you're a woman applying for a job and you are equally qualified as a man, you deserve equal consideration. If you're a woman doing the same job as a man, you deserve the same pay. And finally, if you hit a man first, you deserve to get your ass hit back. It's that simple. Equality is not a one-way street that can be used for convenience. You live by equality, you die by equality. Or you get slapped by it.
More importantly, the slap put the spotlight on these hood rats who run around the city starting trouble. So many times, I've seen these morons make a scene and watch them do it with no consequence. Not this time, not while young Jorge is around. That's why watching this clip is so sweet. Jorge Pena is an avenger... a freedom fighter... who is the closest thing this weak ass generation will get to a civil rights movement. Rosa Parks sat and stood up to segregation. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke for a voiceless population. In 2014, we'll have to settle for a Dominican immigrant slapping the shit out of a ratchet hoe.
With that said, thank you, Jorge, for your tremendous act... and hopefully chickenheads worldwide will act just a little bit more civilized because of your infamous slap.
I can almost guarantee that most years, this person will not be an entertainer. Why? Because 99% of them are worthless. And the 1% that is worth breathing are doing what they should be doing anyway... entertaining us properly. No extra accolades for doing your job, asshole. Also safe to say this person will not be a politician, for similar reasons. In this year's case, the person of the year is just an average Joe just like you and I (although to be fair, I'm probably a bit cooler than you). I want to lie and say there were plenty of good candidates but I did not have to put much thought into this because there was only one person that came to mind.
I'm gonna warn you... the person of the year is a man... who laid his hands on a woman. This is the time where you're thinking it's Ray Rice, that fuck face who spat on his fiancée before slapping her unconscious and dragging her out of a hotel elevator. To which I say NOOOOO, it is not him. What kind of sick animal do you think I am? That was a disgusting act that made me ashamed of ever owning him on one of my fantasy teams. I hate you, Ray Rice.
No, this man laid his hands on a woman, but he did it for the benefit of humankind. Although I am sure he did not intend to be, he is indeed a hero, who with one slap waged war against bullies and chickenheads who have been lurking this Earth for way too long.
2014's person of the year is Jorge Pena.
If you're not from New York, the name may not ring a bell. Shit, the name may not be immediately familiar to my fellow city dwellers. But Mr. Pena needs to be universally known for his act of courage. Jorge was riding the F train, presumably minding his own business, when a trio of birds who lacked home training started verbally attacking his choice of wardrobe. Being the gentleman that he is, Mr. Pena ignored this barrage, keeping his cool and letting these young shits embarrass themselves. But then the leader(?) of the pack got aggressive with the dude who was shooting all of this on his phone, aggressively knocking the phone out of his hand. That's when Jorge put on his cape and came to the rescue.
If you're impatient, I posted the clip below, and if you've seen it before, you know how this ends. Jorge questions why she would do that, she responds, he calls her a bitch, and she hits him. Then magic happens. Jorge cocks back and delivers a slap that sends Danay Howard several feet back. The slap heard around the world. Even the original clip is titled so perfectly... 'man slaps the soul out of girl on the NY subway'. Congrats, Danay. You are now known as the idiot who tried to bully a 6 foot 5 inch bouncer and ended up with a giant handprint on your face, as well as being a joke on the internet for years to come. I'm sure your parents are proud.
To many, this was just an ordinary slap, a normal scuffle that takes place too often if you ride the subway out here, especially at night. But this was much deeper than that. In fact, this was deeper than rap (that doesn't make sense, it just sounds cool). Let me explain.
The slap helped spark the discussion about what should be the proper actions of a man after he is struck by a woman first. I believe in equality for all, regardless of gender. If you're a woman applying for a job and you are equally qualified as a man, you deserve equal consideration. If you're a woman doing the same job as a man, you deserve the same pay. And finally, if you hit a man first, you deserve to get your ass hit back. It's that simple. Equality is not a one-way street that can be used for convenience. You live by equality, you die by equality. Or you get slapped by it.
More importantly, the slap put the spotlight on these hood rats who run around the city starting trouble. So many times, I've seen these morons make a scene and watch them do it with no consequence. Not this time, not while young Jorge is around. That's why watching this clip is so sweet. Jorge Pena is an avenger... a freedom fighter... who is the closest thing this weak ass generation will get to a civil rights movement. Rosa Parks sat and stood up to segregation. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke for a voiceless population. In 2014, we'll have to settle for a Dominican immigrant slapping the shit out of a ratchet hoe.
With that said, thank you, Jorge, for your tremendous act... and hopefully chickenheads worldwide will act just a little bit more civilized because of your infamous slap.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
NFL DIVISIONAL ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS! (PART 2)
It's January 11th. My birthday is officially over. I mean, of COURSE I'm still celebrating today. Birthday weekend, DUH! But I have a lil bit more time to get into today's picks.
I'm sure you noticed that through the first six games of the playoffs, I'm 5-1. Give it up to your boy, for real. The best part is I got the game I felt least confident about out the way when New England came back and beat Baltimore, although a part of me wish I would've gotten that pick wrong so I could see that lil fuck boy Tom Brady pack his bags. But whatever.
Very excited about today's slate. The two teams I want to see in the Super Bowl play later so it's a no-brainier to pick them to advance. Heart over head sometimes.
And away... we... go...
PACKERS over Cowboys
I have vested interest in this game, as I absolutely despise Dallas. I watched last week as what I thought was gonna be a colossal blow-out turned into a nail-biter. The Cowgirls, with the help of one of the worst non-calls I've seen in some time, effed up just a lil less than choking ass Detroit. That was at Dallas. And yes, I know they're undefeated on the road this year. But this isn't just any road game. This is Lambeau field, muthafuckas. In freezing January, I might add. Against a tested group of veterans. Unless Aaron Rodgers calf snaps in two, Dallas has no shot.
BRONCOS over Colts
Not feeling that confident on this pick, to be honest. As a proud owner of Andrew Luck in fantasy this year, I know firsthand that this dude has been ballin' all season. He continued his hot streak with a thrashing of the Bengals last week. But at the end of the day, talent usually wins out and although Indy has some star power, nobody can match Denver position by position. Does Peyton Manning revert to his usual post-season self at some point? Yeah, probably. But not tonight. CJ Anderson has been doing most of the heavy lifting the last few weeks. I expect that to continue tonight.
Here's to going 7-1 after tonight. Cheers, bitches.
I'm sure you noticed that through the first six games of the playoffs, I'm 5-1. Give it up to your boy, for real. The best part is I got the game I felt least confident about out the way when New England came back and beat Baltimore, although a part of me wish I would've gotten that pick wrong so I could see that lil fuck boy Tom Brady pack his bags. But whatever.
Very excited about today's slate. The two teams I want to see in the Super Bowl play later so it's a no-brainier to pick them to advance. Heart over head sometimes.
And away... we... go...
PACKERS over Cowboys
I have vested interest in this game, as I absolutely despise Dallas. I watched last week as what I thought was gonna be a colossal blow-out turned into a nail-biter. The Cowgirls, with the help of one of the worst non-calls I've seen in some time, effed up just a lil less than choking ass Detroit. That was at Dallas. And yes, I know they're undefeated on the road this year. But this isn't just any road game. This is Lambeau field, muthafuckas. In freezing January, I might add. Against a tested group of veterans. Unless Aaron Rodgers calf snaps in two, Dallas has no shot.
BRONCOS over Colts
Not feeling that confident on this pick, to be honest. As a proud owner of Andrew Luck in fantasy this year, I know firsthand that this dude has been ballin' all season. He continued his hot streak with a thrashing of the Bengals last week. But at the end of the day, talent usually wins out and although Indy has some star power, nobody can match Denver position by position. Does Peyton Manning revert to his usual post-season self at some point? Yeah, probably. But not tonight. CJ Anderson has been doing most of the heavy lifting the last few weeks. I expect that to continue tonight.
Here's to going 7-1 after tonight. Cheers, bitches.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
NFL DIVISIONAL ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS! (PART 1)
Let me keep it real. Today is my birthday. I'm at citi field at the Queens baseball convention. I just shook hands with my all-time favorite met, Mookie Wilson. This is going to be brief.
I'm never too busy to remind you I went 3-1 last week, with my only loss being the game I felt least confident about (Ravens over Steelers). It's not good enough. This week, I go 4-0. Perfection begins now.
PATRIOTS over Ravens
Again, there's only one game this weekend that I don't feel great about, and this is the one. As successful as New England has been in the postseason, Baltimore actually has history on their side. Could definitely see Flacco and crew pulling the mild upset but when in doubt, go with the hooded yoda.
SEAHAWKS over Panthers
Easily the game I feel most confident about. Frankly, I don't give Carolina much of a shot here. They snuck into the playoffs, beating an overrated Atlanta team and then surviving Ryan Lindley's Cardinals. To say this is a huge step up in competition is an understatement. This has all the makings of a huge Marshawn Lynch game. Give me Seattle and give me Seattle big.
Part 2 will be posted tomorrow. Bye bitches!
I'm never too busy to remind you I went 3-1 last week, with my only loss being the game I felt least confident about (Ravens over Steelers). It's not good enough. This week, I go 4-0. Perfection begins now.
PATRIOTS over Ravens
Again, there's only one game this weekend that I don't feel great about, and this is the one. As successful as New England has been in the postseason, Baltimore actually has history on their side. Could definitely see Flacco and crew pulling the mild upset but when in doubt, go with the hooded yoda.
SEAHAWKS over Panthers
Easily the game I feel most confident about. Frankly, I don't give Carolina much of a shot here. They snuck into the playoffs, beating an overrated Atlanta team and then surviving Ryan Lindley's Cardinals. To say this is a huge step up in competition is an understatement. This has all the makings of a huge Marshawn Lynch game. Give me Seattle and give me Seattle big.
Part 2 will be posted tomorrow. Bye bitches!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
NFL Wild Card Weekend Predictions!
First off... HAPPY NEW YEAR, SMUTS!
If this is the first time you've been insulted in 2015, pat yourself on the back, you over-privileged lil turd. And digest that second insult while you're at it. (BTW, my new year's resolution was to be nicer. So much for that.)
I know I haven't posted since February. But new year... same me. Let's not pretend that this year is going to be any different. I always post heavy in January, only to fizzle out by March. I make no promises that I'll be able to keep up throughout the year so enjoy these posts while they're here.
The good news is... I come bearing predictions! This was one of the staple's of this blog when I first created it so I decided to bring it back because... really, I was bored as shit this morning. But my boredom is your delight! Now let's stop the foreplay and get straight to the action.
PANTHERS over Cardinals
We see this often enough. A team gets into the playoffs with a mediocre record because they won their shitty division, only to be rewarded with a home game and, usually, a victory. In some cases, it comes as a huge upset, like Seattle did to New Orleans in 2011. In this case, Carolina is nearly a touchdown favorite over the Ryan Lindley(?!?) led Cardinals. It is entirely possible that Carolina blew their load last week, with their 34-3 torching of the suspect Falcons. It is probable, however, that Lindley takes a massive shit all over BOA stadium as the Panthers defense realizes their potential from last year.
STEELERS over Ravens
This is the prediction I feel least confident about, so don't bite my head off if I'm wrong. With star running back Le'veon Bell sidelined, it will be up to Big Ben to light up the Baltimore secondary. And that is exactly what I plan for him to do. Antonio Brown and Martavius Bryant should dominate tonight and maybe undrafted rookie Josh Harris gives them enough of a punch to hold on. If Pittsburgh advances and Bell is able to return, this will officially become the team you don't want to face going forward.
COLTS over Bengals
And now to the game I feel the most confident about. Did you see last year's playoffs? The one that Andrew Luck led his team back from a 28-point deficit against the Chiefs? Or the one that Andy Dalton completely SUCKED in again? I know there will be numerous big names on the field for this game... TY Hilton and AJ Green, to name two... but nowhere will there be as big of a mismatch as at the quarterback position. Have ultimate faith in Luck, who followed up his playoff success last year with a massive statistical year this season. Dalton? Still waiting for his first playoff win. And he will keep waiting after this weekend.
COWBOYS over Lions
If you only knew how much I want to pick against the Cowboys here. I was hoping perennial chokers Dallas would face a stiff test in the first round of the playoffs. But noooooooo. The Lions are not short of talent, but somehow the sum of their parts is less than their equal. (I am 98% sure that didn't make any sense.) The only hope Detroit has is that their pass rush rattles Romo, but with Dallas sporting one of the, if not the best offensive line in the game, I expect the Cowboys' offense to put up some serious points. In the second round, I guarantee I am picking against Dallas... but for now, give me the Cowboys, and I don't think it will be close.
First post of 2015 in the books! Lots of good shit to follow, though. My annual 'favorite songs of the year' countdown, favorite album of the year (guarantee you will never guess), worst songs of 2014 (so many to name), as well as more NFL playoff predictions. So stay tuned, amigos!
If this is the first time you've been insulted in 2015, pat yourself on the back, you over-privileged lil turd. And digest that second insult while you're at it. (BTW, my new year's resolution was to be nicer. So much for that.)
I know I haven't posted since February. But new year... same me. Let's not pretend that this year is going to be any different. I always post heavy in January, only to fizzle out by March. I make no promises that I'll be able to keep up throughout the year so enjoy these posts while they're here.
The good news is... I come bearing predictions! This was one of the staple's of this blog when I first created it so I decided to bring it back because... really, I was bored as shit this morning. But my boredom is your delight! Now let's stop the foreplay and get straight to the action.
PANTHERS over Cardinals
We see this often enough. A team gets into the playoffs with a mediocre record because they won their shitty division, only to be rewarded with a home game and, usually, a victory. In some cases, it comes as a huge upset, like Seattle did to New Orleans in 2011. In this case, Carolina is nearly a touchdown favorite over the Ryan Lindley(?!?) led Cardinals. It is entirely possible that Carolina blew their load last week, with their 34-3 torching of the suspect Falcons. It is probable, however, that Lindley takes a massive shit all over BOA stadium as the Panthers defense realizes their potential from last year.
STEELERS over Ravens
This is the prediction I feel least confident about, so don't bite my head off if I'm wrong. With star running back Le'veon Bell sidelined, it will be up to Big Ben to light up the Baltimore secondary. And that is exactly what I plan for him to do. Antonio Brown and Martavius Bryant should dominate tonight and maybe undrafted rookie Josh Harris gives them enough of a punch to hold on. If Pittsburgh advances and Bell is able to return, this will officially become the team you don't want to face going forward.
COLTS over Bengals
And now to the game I feel the most confident about. Did you see last year's playoffs? The one that Andrew Luck led his team back from a 28-point deficit against the Chiefs? Or the one that Andy Dalton completely SUCKED in again? I know there will be numerous big names on the field for this game... TY Hilton and AJ Green, to name two... but nowhere will there be as big of a mismatch as at the quarterback position. Have ultimate faith in Luck, who followed up his playoff success last year with a massive statistical year this season. Dalton? Still waiting for his first playoff win. And he will keep waiting after this weekend.
COWBOYS over Lions
If you only knew how much I want to pick against the Cowboys here. I was hoping perennial chokers Dallas would face a stiff test in the first round of the playoffs. But noooooooo. The Lions are not short of talent, but somehow the sum of their parts is less than their equal. (I am 98% sure that didn't make any sense.) The only hope Detroit has is that their pass rush rattles Romo, but with Dallas sporting one of the, if not the best offensive line in the game, I expect the Cowboys' offense to put up some serious points. In the second round, I guarantee I am picking against Dallas... but for now, give me the Cowboys, and I don't think it will be close.
First post of 2015 in the books! Lots of good shit to follow, though. My annual 'favorite songs of the year' countdown, favorite album of the year (guarantee you will never guess), worst songs of 2014 (so many to name), as well as more NFL playoff predictions. So stay tuned, amigos!
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