My least favorite songs of 2014

OMG there's a blizzard outside! Ahhhhh!

Well... not really.

I used to think NYC was gangsta. However, here I am, in a big city that's shut down because of flurries. It got me a day off from work so I'm not complaining, just disappointed in the thoroughness of my hometown. Man up, sissies.

The good news is you get this blog as a treat! A few days ago, I posted my annual 'favorite songs of the year' blog. If you haven't read it, GO NOW. It's splendid. But for the first time, I'm gonna do the yin to that yang. That's right... my LEAST favorite songs of 2014.

I know, I know... this list could be endless. I plan to use laser-like focus and shine the (dim) light on a select few that pissed me off the most. I'm sure there's plenty of unpopular songs that suck just as much as the mainstream ones, but picking on those lil-known jams wouldn't be right. I ain't no bully, y'all. The songs below can be considered hits in some regard, and by hits I mean I wanted to hit my head against the fuckin' wall whenever I heard them. Because they were played non-stop on the radio, they deserve the lashing they're about to get. Justice is about to be served.

Let's cue the garbage...

Rich Gang 'Lifestyle'
Migos 'Handsome & Wealthy'
I grouped these two songs together for a few reasons. One, they're equally horrible. Two, they represent a genre who supplied the majority of shitty music in '14. Three, I can't understand a word that either of these ass clowns are saying. I set my alarm to Power 105 in the AM and guess what I usually woke up to? This toxic waste. No wonder I was aggravated before I even set foot in the shower. Twenty years ago, I was listening to a young, illmatic Nas. 'Ready To Die', arguably the greatest hip-hop album ever dropped. The Wu were branching out with their solo projects after their monumental debut. Two decades later, I'm listening to rappers who sound like they have down syndrome. Seriously, these idiots aren't even audible. I've listened to the chorus of 'Lifestyle" carefully and I made out three words, max. Rap world, this is unacceptable. Step your effin' game up.

Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX 'Fancy'
First things first, you're the wackest. Have you heard this fraud speak in an interview? SHE'S AUSTRAILIAN. Why is she sounding so stereotypically 'urban' on all of her wack ass songs? This is a straight-up mockery of the culture and I won't stand for it. I feel bad for Charli XCX's fine ass who had to try and save this shit with the only thing salvageable about it, the chorus. Even with the vailiant effort, this was still a fail. Oh yeah, I hated 'Black Widow' too, beeyotch.

Jessi J feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj 'Bang Bang'
The inclusion of this song is important because A) I hate the song and B) I hated everything the featured artists dropped last year. 'Problem', 'Break Free', 'Anaconda'... HATED IT ALL. How anyone can listen to Ariana Grande's voice without their ears bleeding is beyond me. Nicki sounding like a psycho slut on every record? Yawn. And then this catastrophe. Save yourself from these pitiful puppets, Jessi J. Good thing I don't own a firearm or it would be 'bang bang' for real for real. *thug voice*

Pitbull feat. Ke$ha 'Timber'
Pitbull, mi primo! Que paso? For years, you've entertained the universe with your electric energy. But last year? No bueno. Your chants of 'Dale' were finally starting to get stale. Your beat selection, usually top notch, was bottom shelf. And then you got this trashy hoe to sing this horrible hook. Your last album, 'Globalization', was a sign that there might be a sudden end to your Cuban reign. I know this song wasn't on there but it was still the biggest turd you dropped in '14. Ay Dios mio.

Magic! 'Rude'
Just what I wanted to hear, a bunch of reggae-influenced Canadians whining about their future father-in-law. No wonder he doesn't want you to marry his daughter... because of garbage like this. Shit, I'd be rude too if this was my potential son-in-law's plea. I have a handful of Caribbean-themed songs on my iPod but I can assure you, this ain't one of them. The real magic would be if we could make these fucktards disappear.

Jason Derulo 'Trumpets'
Can this guy dance? Sure. Am I hating on him because he was boning that goddess Jordin Sparks? Maybe a lil. But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the most poorly-written songs in recent memory. 'Is it weird that your ass remind me of a Kanye West song?' Yes, it's fuckin' weird. And borderline homosexual. Why the hell would you write (or sing) such a thing? The songwriter should be banned from ever lifting a pen in his lifetime.

John Legend 'All Of Me'
And here is where the female demographic loses their shit. I fully expect riots over this selection but guess what? I DON'T CARE. Let's call a spade a spade. I love a beautiful ballad as much as the next person, but this overly sappy, insincere ode to his overrated wife? No thank you. I want that Luther-type shit, feel me? I'm sure this song will be played at weddings for years to come, and if you're planning to play this at your ceremony and you want me there, I'M NOT COMING.

OK, let me stop there. I feel my blood pressure rising and I'm not trying to catch a heart attack over a blog. While I take some deep breaths, I hope you enjoy the rest of the day, especially my fellow NYers who are 'snowed in'. *Rolls eyes* Peace, punks.