The Responsibility of the Rise of Donald Trump

I didn't watch the Republican GOP debate last night. I also hate politics. So take this blog with a grain of salt. Or disregard it altogether if it makes you feel better. But those brave enough to continue will be rewarded with a secret... a secret which will reveal who exactly is responsible for this spectacle we have been witnessing recently.

By now you know that Donald Trump has emerged as a serious contender to represent the Republican party at the next election. Some have even claimed he poses a threat to front-runner Hilary Clinton, who seemed to be in control not so long ago, mostly due to her familiarity and surname. Like me, you also might have missed last night's disaster but have heard some of it's contents, which apparently included Trump blasting his fellow candidates (and their wives) about their physical appearance. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Here we have the potential 'leader of the free world' (aka slave to the rich) on a national platform essentially calling people ugly. Politics has always been a circus, but never as evident as now. And let me tell you, people are MAD about it.

But before you go on your lil pointless rant about Trump's antics, I want to shed some light on who is really responsible for this whole ordeal. Who really allowed a doofus like Trump to ascend on this meteoric rise. Who gave him the stage to spread his nonsense to the masses, letting his poisonous words penetrate this defenseless nation's ears.

You.

Yeah, muthafucka. You. I'm on my MJ shit. It starts with the man in the mirror.

This country has been headed down this doomed path for quite some time. It should have been easy to see. But apparently we thought consuming hours of reality TV every day would have no consequences. With every new show, we propel another worthless scumbag to infamy, granting them instant celebrity status. The dumber they are, the more famous. Kim Kardashian is arguably the biggest celebrity in the planet right now, despite having minimal talent. Her claim to fame was a sex tape... and her lackluster performance between the sheets was far from unforgettable. She comes from a family who would do anything to retain this status, even having the patriarch get a sex change (Yeah, I said it). She is treated like royalty... her every move documented... yet has contributed nothing (or at least a lot more harm than good) to the well-being of society. We have always been obsessed with celebrities, only the obsession has grown wilder and the celebrities have become trashier.

I know you might be thinking I used Trump's asshole antics to trash on the Kardashian klan. And you might be right. But I see a direct correlation. And guess who else should?

You.

Ok, maybe I'm using this 'you' thing too much. Don't lie, though, that shit looks mad powerful. But really, it's not far-fetched to see the difference. Trump sounds just like a graduate of Kardashian University, feasting on how we prey on public stupidity. We have become so entertained by such despicable behavior that it's no mystery why Trump has gained the national spotlight.

So the next time you're watching some bimbo embarrass herself on 'Love & Hip-Hop' or watching a massive McDonald's melee on Worldstar, don't be up in arms when a worthless 'celebrity' like the ones you spend your precious time watching becomes President of the United States. And don't you dare ask who's fault it is, because who already know the answer. It's...

...should I? Nah, you get the point by now.

Fuck it.

You.

'I'm In Love W/ The Coco (Grandma Remix)'

It's a miracle the original version of this song, by some buster named O.T. Genasis, didn't end up on my 'Worst Songs of 2014' list. Maybe I would have loved it more if this GILF (you figure it out) would've released it instead. Take 'em to church, granny.

Anthony Mason

There are not many athletes that have an impact on my life. That's a grand statement considering that I watch a lot of sports. I love football and baseball. I'm a huge Giant and Met fan, and I support the uniform more than the individual. In rare instances, my love for the actual player matches the jersey they don.

In my teens, my favorite sport to watch was basketball. So much so that I even played a little. Those who have seen me in person are probably having the same reaction... but homey, you a lil muthafucka? I get it, but back in my Junior High School days, I was a beast. Starter on my varsity team, sharpshooter from long range, a righty who shoots lefty. It's even harder to believe if you took me to the courts now, as I probably look like I've never touched a basketball in my life. But in the 90's, I was quite the nifty player.

My favorite team, then and now, was the New York Knicks. I consider myself a Met fan above all, but for that decade, my love for the Knicks came very close to equaling my love for the Mets, even surpassing it at times. Unfortunately, mostly due to the Michael Jordan reign, the Knicks were never able to win a championship. But damn, were those teams fun to watch. You might beat those knicks, but you weren't going to beat UP those Knicks. Charles Oakley, John Starks, Patrick Ewing... those are guys you wanted to go to war with. And it was important because the game was way different back then. Today's NBA is pussified... the league back then was hardcore. Hand check fouls? Yeah, OK. Back then, a clothesline would rarely get you a technical. You didn't just need a good team back then, you needed a crew. And the Knicks had a damn good one.

One of the key members of those teams was Anthony Mason. I'll never forget the first time I became aware of Mase. My mom and I were at the Garden to get some tickets... it had to be around 1991... and there's this mob forming in the lobby. In the center is a towering figure, engaging the crowd, signing autographs while kids tried their best to climb up his legs. He was in his element, un-phased by the attention. Something about the way he handled the situation interested me. I assumed he was a member of the Knicks, but not someone I was familiar with. Not yet, anyway. When the season started, I desperately tried to find the player that was so generous to the Knick fans in the lobby of Madison Square Garden on a regular Saturday. Soon I found out that guy was Anthony Mason.

No need to worry who my favorite player quickly became. Not only was he friendly off the court, but he was an animal on the court. Mason attended high school in Springfield Gardens in Queens, New York, so it made sense that he personified what a New York athlete should play like. Mason was the 53rd pick of the 1988 NBA draft, straight from little-known Tennessee State University. While he was an impressive physical specimen, he wasn't the most talented dude in the league. But Mason WORKED. There's nothing I hate more than an underachiever... someone with tons of God-given ability but no work ethic. Mase was the complete opposite... a workhorse who used his overwhelming physicality to his advantage, eventually earning the prestigious Sixth Man of the Year award in 1995. I got his jersey. I cheered when he entered the game. The only thing stopping me from going full-fledge Mase mode was getting a religious saying etched into my head like he did. I never did it, but boy was I tempted.

Mason left the Knicks in 1996. His departure signaled the beginning of my love for the Knicks fading. Don't get me wrong, I still was (and am) a fan, but once that core unit from the 90's broke up, it was never the same. The grittiness of those teams will never be duplicated.

Anthony Mason passed away yesterday. He was 48 years old. Just like when Gary Carter and the Ultimate Warrior died, a piece of my childhood is gone forever. But still, I will always have the memory of watching this giant amongst regular folks, acting courteous and gracious, and thinking to myself, that's gonna be my new favorite player.

 

Rest In Peace Mase

I Love You, Taylor Swift

(aka 'The blog I thought I would never write')

01.26.14
While attempting to enjoy the soulless entertainment of the Grammys, I realized something... something that I may have been feeling for a while but was never quite able to put into words: I hate Taylor Swift.

The Imagine Dragons are in the middle of an epic performance of their smash hit, 'Radioactive', which featured an out-of-his-mind Kendrick Lamar. The energy in the building is oozing out of the screen. Naturally, the producers cut to a shot of Taylor Swift dancing off-beat. I become angry. Up to this point, I had tolerated a lot of her shenanigans, but this was the final straw. I declared my dislike for her in my live blog. I ran her name through the mud whenever she came up in conversation. Soon, it became something everyone knew about me. Actually, it was a PART of me. When discussing me, you had to mention my long-running TV show, my obsession with the Mets, and that I hate Taylor Swift. And you know what? I was PROUD of that. Wore it like a muthafuckin' badge of honor. Captain of the Taylor Swift hate club. That's me.

08.31.14
Every Sunday, I wake up and watch the VH1 Top 20 Countdown. Why? Because I love torture, apparently. It's not too bad... it keeps me in tune with what's going on musically in pop culture. It's my weekend tradition. This particular day, though, my world would be flipped upside down. Forever.

There's a new video on the countdown this week, and guess who it's by? That's right, my arch-rival Taylor Swift. 'Shake It Off'... great. Her pattern of dropping a new album just as her previous one is losing steam is predictable and annoying. Like, can I get one Taylor-free year in this bitch? Whatever. I'll just mean mug through this video and as soon as it ends, I'll give it the tongue-lashing it so rightfully deserves.

Except... I loved it. The song was catchy, the video was funny... it was beautiful. A work of art. My mean mug turned into a smile. My hate disappeared. Butterflies burst out of my stomach. I knew at that moment that I would never be the same again.



But how the hell did this happen? How could she have fooled me all these years? I was so used to her pestering me with her whiny tunes and subpar personality that it completely took me off-guard when she returned with a bang, this time full of charisma and charm. Taylor 2.0 was here, and I was a FAN. 'Shake It Off' instantly became one of my favorite songs, a mainstay on my iPod. The video was in heavy rotation in my household... so much that I wouldn't doubt that I made up about half of her 600 million views on YouTube. Taylor Swift's fan club didn't just get a new member, they got themselves a president.



10.27.14
I don't like modern day music. I used to listen to 100's of albums a year. Now, I'm lucky to get to double digits. It's rare for me to not only listen to an album but anticipate it's release. However, that's what I found myself doing for '1989'. I had been shaking it off for two months now and I was eager to know if the love was real. Secretly, I was hoping I hated the album so I could move on like everything was some giant fluke and return to my sour ways. Except one thing happened.

The album was fuckin' incredible.

I was blown away. Practically every track sounded like a hit. The melodies were infectious. Her accent was adorable. I didn't know what to do with myself. Here I am, a grown man, sitting in front of my laptop, nodding my head to 'Blank Space' like it's classic Biggie. Without a doubt, '1989' was the best album of the year. In any genre. Shit, it's one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. I love Michael Jackson to death and know that no one will ever come close to matching his legacy, but in my heart, '1989' was a modern-day 'Thriller'.

Taylor was in complete promo mode for the remainder of the year... and I couldn't have been happier. My mom fed my obsession, DV-R-ing every Taylor appearance she caught on TV. I posted so many Taylor-related comments on my social media accounts that I lost track. It was complete Taylor-mania.

A funny thing happened along the way, though. Just as I was coming to terms with this new love for Taylor, a new feeling reared it's ugly head. A feeling of... lust. Lust, you say? Really? Taylor is not my prototypical cup of tea. She's tall and lanky, awkward, with very lil trace of a curve on her bony frame. But I didn't care. I wanted nothing more than to climb that pale tree and make sweet love to her. Taylor wasn't just my woman crush Wednesday, she was my woman crush everyday. (#wce) You can have Beyoncé... keep Kate Upton... gimme some Taylor and gimme a whole lot of her.

02.17.15
The year has changed, my feelings have not. Still a huge fan of Taylor Swift. Still listening to '1989'. Still want to have her baby. Seeing her on Jimmy Fallon recently re-affirmed everything. She is all I have ever wanted, and more.



Do I remember who I used to be? Honestly, no. The person I was a year ago seems like a stranger. To be honest, I don't wish to imagine a world where I did not love this woman. So now, when you're discussing me, do me a favor. I know you'll mention my long-running TV show and you'll touch on my obsession with the Mets, but don't forget the most important detail of all... that I love Taylor Swift.

LIVE 2015 GRAMMY COMMENTARY!

(All times in EST)

7:30 PM: Last year, I got the brilliant(?) idea to post a live-streaming blog of the 2014 Grammys. And boy, did it suck the life out of me. I had no idea that bitch was three and a half hours long. WTF? However, it was a huge success, and to this day, it has the most views of any blog post I have ever done.

So guess what? I'M BACK FOR MORE.

I will be going live at 8 PM, when the show starts. Reminder in case you weren't part of the epic experience last year: Stay on this link, refresh every few minutes, new material will appear, you will be entertained... I hope.

You know the sub-plots by now... will Sam Smith clean house? Which creepy, old dude will come out as a surprise guest? And how much will my love forTaylor Swift grow? Find out in 30 mins.!

8:01 PM: Lights, cameras, action, muthafuckas! LL Cool J, our host for the fourth year, starts off the program sounding like he's on speed. And the opening act... AC/DC. For the first time in years! Blah. Looks like we've already filled our creepy, old guy quota for the night. But I'll be damned if these seniors ain't rocking out.

8:04 PM: The lead singer is wearing a crusty kangol, a tight black tee and even tighter black pants. And everyone in the audience is wearing devil's horns. 'Highway To Hell' is right. Even Satan would be afraid to be in attendance.

8:07 PM: Yup, LL still sucks as a host. I think he's even worse than last year.

8:09 PM: TAYLOR SWIFT! YESSSSSSS! My heartbeat just accelerated.

8:10 PM: And the first award of the night, Best New Artist, goes to... Sam Smith. Probably the least shocking thing we'll see tonight, as he was a certified lock to win this award. Who did I want to win? Anyone other than that fraud Iggy.

8:17 PM: Anna Kendrick, the white chick I like, just introduced Ariana Grande, the white chick I can't stand. Wouldn't be surprised if I'm not deaf in at least one ear after this debacle.

8:19 PM: What the hell does Big Sean find attractive about this chick? She looks like she's 13. Never have the Grammy's felt more like a Junior High School prom.

8:21 PM: Tom Jones in the building! It should be mandatory for Alphonso Ribeiro to accompany him wherever he goes and do the Carlton dance. The guy just won 'Dancing With The Stars'... show him some freakin' respect.

8:24 PM: Has to be mentioned: The OG Tommy Jones is rocking that white afro real tough.

8:26 PM: Best Pop Solo Performance time! Hoping for Taylor Swift or Pharrell. And the winner is... 'HAPPY'! FUCK YEAH! My favorite song of 2014! (Go read the blog later) So last year, Pharrell made a fashion statement with his humongous hat. This year, he looks normal... from the waist up. Very sharp jacket, and you know I'm pro-bow tie. But then he's sporting basketball shorts? Why do you do the things that you do, P?

8:33 PM: Mrs. Black Shelton, Miranda Lambert, is about to perform, and she actually looks attractive. The song, about her lil red wagon, blows cock, though.

8:35 PM: They're like wooooooo! They're like ahhhhhh! OK maybe it's growing on me.

8:37 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album is about to go down, presented by that acapella group who's name I can never get right and a mummified Barry Gibbs. And it's Sam Smith, again. Looks like the big night for the male Adele is getting started. Am I the only one who thinks he looks nothing like he sounds like? When I first heard him, I thought there was a chance he might be a brotha. Or at least a husky, bearded hipster. Slightly disappointed he looks like a syrupy sissy.

8:44 PM: Kanye West just hit the stage, surprisingly for the first time in six years. He's singing a song Paul McCartney wrote, which means it will probably win a Grammy next year. You know those Grammy bastards love anything Beatles.

8:47 PM: Sir Paul has to be regretting the fact he gave this song to Kanye. I can't even tell if it's a well-written song or not because Kanye's auto-tuned vocals are taking a giant shit all over it.

8:48 PM: Two of the industry's biggest puppets, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj, introduce the queen puppet, Madonna. Let the demonic symbolism commence!

8:49 PM: Dancers with horns? Check. Hell mention in the song? Check. Way to be subtle.

8:50 PM: We've officially reached the point where Madonna looks like the old chick at the club. I'm fully expecting her to start yelling 'DOORMAN' at any moment. Watching her thrust her decrepit pelvis out is making me uncomfortable.

8:55 PM: Best Rock Album is about to be announced, and I could care less who wins. Beck wins. Whoopie.

9:02 PM: Shocker... another Beatle wins an award. This time, George Harrison wins a Lifetime Achievement Award. Niles Rogers presents, looking like Lil Wayne in about 30 years. along with Smokey Robinson, who's eyes could not be opened wider.

9:04 PM: Best R&B Performance is given to Beyoncé. She's still getting awards? Seems like that album came out 3 years ago already.

9:05 PM: Funky ginger, aka Ed Sheeran, is on now. Does this dude ever comb his hair?

9:06 PM: I just realized that he says that he'll love the woman until she's 70. I always thought he was saying 17, which would've made this the official anthem for pedophiles worldwide.

9:09 PM: Forgot to say that he's joined on stage by John Mayer, who's proof that you could play that innocent, good guy role and still be a douchebag who catches mad bodies.

9:11 PM: I would say my musical expertise is on point, but I can say with a clear conscious that I have no idea who's on stage right now. Paul McCartney is excited so I'm guessing he's somewhat of a big deal, but I can't get past the fact that he looks like the love child of John Goodman and Ringo Starr (yes, another Beatles reference).

9:14 PM: Looks like it's the Electric Light Orchestra, for those who were waiting on the edge of their seats for me to figure that out.

9:15 PM: Ryan Seacrest, of 'American Idol' fame, introduces Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani, of 'The Voice'. I smell some reality singing competition show beef.

9:17 PM: Very cool song... but with all the upbeat hits that Ed Sheeran and Maroon 5 have, it's odd that they both sang ballads tonight. Someone better get this party started soon because I can't wait any longer to twerk.

9:25 PM: Awwww shit! My Hozier jam, 'Take Me To Church' is on now. Sprinkle some holy water all over these devils, my dude.

9:28 PM: Annie Lennox joins him and unlike most of these collaborations, she adds instead of subtracting. She's screaming 'AMEN' like she's about to catch the Holy Ghost. Goosebumps begin to form. We officially have a front runner for performance of the night.

9:31 PM: The Annie Lennox takeover is in full effect. WOW. For a woman who was just screaming 'Amen' a few minutes ago, she looks fuckin' possessed out her mind right now. This one is gonna be hard to beat.

9:32 PM: So Nick Jonas, who's song 'Jealous' I despise, is presenting for the genre I loathe the most, Best Country Album. Thank God Megan Trainor's sexy little Jewish ass is there next to him to distract me.

9:33 PM: Miranda Lambert wins. Blake looks on, creepily.

9:34 PM: The Weeknd comes out, who apparently my mom has never heard of, as she asks me why he doesn't like the weekdays. I don't know, Mom. I don't know.

9:35 PM: My brother Pharrell is up, looking like an usher. No, not Usher. An actual usher. From the theater. He may be happy... to show you to your seat. This ensemble also includes shorts, again. I'm guessing it's like 120 degrees over there since Pharrell refuses to wear pants.

9:36 PM: FINALLY! It's 'Happy' time! *starts twerking*

9:37 PM: In a mere six minutes, Hozier has some serious competition. Skateboard P!

9:44 PM: Obama talking about domestic violence. He's a week late if he wanted to reach the right audience.

9:47 PM: A spoken word from a domestic violence victim is followed by Katy Perry. All jokes aside, men that beat their women are cowards. One of my favorite artists of all-time, the late, GREAT 2 Pac, put it better than I ever could:

'And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women'

- 2 Pac 'Keep Ya Head Up'

BTW, if you're not impressed by how fast I pulled up that quote, then I don't know what to tell you.

9:52 PM: Katy did well, although I was kind of expecting Missy Elliott to be incorporated somehow. I'm spoiled.

9:55 PM: My mom and I are trying to figure out if this Imagine Dragons performance is part of the actual show. Turns out it was a commercial. Shit, even on a commercial break I can't relax.

10:00 PM: Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett reviving an American classic. I'm 99% sure Gaga is a demon, but hot damn she looks GOOD. I would say that I would hit that but her vagina may have teeth. I'm also convinced that Tony Bennett was forced to do this duet album, but he can't say anything because maybe someone has revealing pictures of him or something. A wrinkly dick pic, perhaps? Tony, blink twice if you're being forced to do this.

10:03 PM: The performances are coming non-stop this year. My fingers are cramping up hardcore. Can a brother get a moment to breathe? This time, Usher is doing a Stevie Wonder tribute. A tall order, for sure, as Stevie is one of the all-time greats. Dude is one of the last living legends around.

10:06 PM: OK, I know I just said Stevie is a legend... but he just came out, and he's the size of a fuckin' house. Somebody get this dude a copy of Insanity and a Planet Fitness membership quick. I gotta give him credit, though... those dreads are still hanging in there, albeit barely.

10:13 PM: Country performance. Time for a water break.

10:21 PM: Country crap is over, and now the performance I was really anticipating is on. Rihanna, Yeezy, Sir Paul. Unlike the last song Kanye sang, 'Four Five Seconds' hits the mark and looks like an early contender to be on my favorite songs of 2015 list.

10:23 PM: Rihanna is grabbing her balls.

10:24 PM: For a song that just came out, I'm impressed that so many people in the audience knew the words. Granted, two of those people were Kim Kardashian and Paul McCartney's wife, but still.

10:30 PM: TAYLOR! That's my boo, yo. And to think, at last year's show, I was beyond irritated with her. But is she not gonna perform? Really? I'm ready to shake it off in this bitch.

10:31 PM: The man of the night, Sam Smith, sings his monster hit, 'Stay With Me'. If they film another 'American Pie', Sam can definitely take on the role of Paul Finch.

10:32 PM: The queen of hip-hop soul, Mary J. Blige, joins him onstage, and the pairing seems natural. Mary J. is trying her best not to outshine the new jack, and she succeeds.

10:35 PM: Jane The Virgin introduces Juanes. Where my Latinos at? We bout to turn this into a Colombian fiesta.

10:37 PM: I have no idea what he is saying. The only word I can make it is the name of the song, 'Juntos', which means together. I think. I have failed as a Latino. To be fair, he is singing REALLY fast. Slow down, you show-off.

10:39 PM: Prince! Looking like a creamsicle. Not a great fashion night for music's legends.

10:41 PM: OK, the awards are heavy now. Album of the year, one of the night's biggest awards, is about to be given out... to BECK?! Didn't they give this award last year to Daft Punk, the duo with the doofy helmets that can't even speak? I swear they're intentionally picking the least entertaining artist to take home the hardware.

10:42 PM: Did Kanye really pretend like he was going to go onstage to pull a... Kanye? As obnoxious as he's been in the past, this time it would've been justified. And no, I haven't heard Beck's album... but it's BECK! Come on, son.

 

10:49 PM: Sia is hiding her face yet again. Her reason for not exposing her identity is that she believes music should be more about substance than image, and I love that. But have you googled a picture of Sia? Do it, there's pics of her out there. Yeah, now you know the real reason why she's hiding.

10:50 PM: Kristin Wig? No way! Kind of hard for me to take this performance seriously with one of SNL's funniest ladies doing an interpretive dance but because I have an undercover crush on her, I approve.

10:53: Song of the year time. No more joking around. A lot of big players in this, including mi corazon, Taylor. And the Grammy goes to... Sam Smith. Zzzzzz. Paul Finch, report to the stage one more time.

10:58 PM: Just wanted to mention that during the commercial break, my mom is PISSED over Sia's performance. Apparently, this stems from Sia having her back to the audience. Among the words she used to describe this are 'stupid' and 'rude'. I'm so happy I have her here to share her expert analysis.

11:03 PM: If Beck and Chris Martin want to have a snooze fest, why not do it at the beginning of the show? I'm fatigued, people. I've been blogging for three hours! I'm about to knock out.

11:06 PM: Stevie's back. No more fat jokes, I promise.

11:07 PM: How did he get so big, though? I feel like this happened quickly. Maybe he was hiding all that fluffiness behind his piano all these years?

11:08 PM: Sam Smith wins Record of the year. I don't even care anymore. I need a snack.

11:15 PM: Oh, great. It's that boring, bearded guy who talks every year about making sure music doesn't become extinct. Until the quality of music improves, I'm illegally downloading all that shit. Middle finger to the industry, ya heard.

11:18 PM: Now we remember those no longer with us. Some heavy hitters here... Joe Cocker, Bobby Womack, Robin Williams, Maya Angelou, Little Jimmy Dickens. No, I have no idea who Little Jimmy Dickens is, but when you have a name like that, I don't care if you're dead or alive, I'm putting you in my blog.

11:28 PM: It's Beyoncé's turn to perform but I gotta be honest... I am running out of steam. We still have another performance after this and you see the time. And yes, it's another ballad. Let me get my Mets blanket, I'm fading quickly.

11:30 PM: She sang wonderfully. Or at least I imagined she did.

11:31 PM: It finally looks it's send-off time, and this one looks like a winner. John Legend, Common, 'Glory' from 'Selma'. This is powerful music. If the industry released substance like this on a more consistent basis, we wouldn't need that bearded buffoon to tell us to support the industry. How about the industry supports us with some good music for the mind and soul? Something with meaning?

11:37 PM: Show is over. At least I think it is. Or hope it is. But I made it! Man, this isn't easy. But it might be harder to read this and keep up with the frequent updates, so if you got to this point, I sincerely thank you. Or as Sam Smith would say, thank you for 'staying with me'. Corny, I know, but what do you want? It's almost midnight! Goodnight, familia.

MY SUPER BOWL PREDICTION!

The big game is amongst us. Get fired up! OOOOHHHHH YEAAAAAHHH!

Can we clap for a blogger with his bloggin' ass? I am 8-2 so far this postseason, which is pretty impressive considering that many of these games were evenly matched. Of course, I needed a historic Green Bay collapse to get to this point (poor Packers) but sometimes you need a lil luck (and not enough Andrew Luck) to succeed.

With the match-up set, let's see if I could lock down my 9th win and show the world who the real football guru is.

Let's do this...

Seahawks over Patriots

Vegas has this as a 1 point spread. And I can see why. These are the #1 seeds in each conference, both sizzling hot, both with the pedigree to claim the throne. The Pats, under Brady and Belichick, have been to the big show five times previously, making this their impressive sixth trip. They've taken home the trophy three times. While Seattle, under their current regime, doesn't have that past, they are the defending champs who embarrassed a far more impressive Denver squad a year ago. While New England is more well-rounded, Seattle plays to it's strengths, namely defense and a ferocious running game. It just so happens that those are usually the key elements to victory.

Let's re-visit the Pats two Super Bowl losses... and not just because I'm a Giants fan. OK, maybe it is because I'm a Giants fan, but that doesn't make the point I'm about to make any less valid. The way the underdog G-Men beat New England was simple... hit Tom Brady in the fuckin' mouth. I don't care how much of a world class quarterback you are, as Peyton Manning proved last year... you get enough pressure, you will fold. Well, unless you're Eli Manning against the Niners in the NFC Conference Championship game in 2012. But that's neither here or there. I can't see Seattle deviating too much from the Giants' blueprint, especially considering that's their style of play anyway.

Overall, Seattle is just a bad match-up for New England. Most experts have predicted a close game. I see the Seahawks winning by double digits.

Seattle 27, New England 17

So now only one question remains... ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?! Enjoy the game, y'all.

How to raise a future queen

Fathers get such a bad name in this world. Sure, there's plenty of irresponsible a-holes out there but for every bad apple, there's a delicious Granny Smith waiting to be devoured. Hmmm, that doesn't make sense. Just watch the damn video. This is how you raise a lil lady into a future queen.




This is the main reason when I start reproducing (yikes), I want a daughter. Nothing like that daddy/daughter love, y'all!

My least favorite songs of 2014

OMG there's a blizzard outside! Ahhhhh!

Well... not really.

I used to think NYC was gangsta. However, here I am, in a big city that's shut down because of flurries. It got me a day off from work so I'm not complaining, just disappointed in the thoroughness of my hometown. Man up, sissies.

The good news is you get this blog as a treat! A few days ago, I posted my annual 'favorite songs of the year' blog. If you haven't read it, GO NOW. It's splendid. But for the first time, I'm gonna do the yin to that yang. That's right... my LEAST favorite songs of 2014.

I know, I know... this list could be endless. I plan to use laser-like focus and shine the (dim) light on a select few that pissed me off the most. I'm sure there's plenty of unpopular songs that suck just as much as the mainstream ones, but picking on those lil-known jams wouldn't be right. I ain't no bully, y'all. The songs below can be considered hits in some regard, and by hits I mean I wanted to hit my head against the fuckin' wall whenever I heard them. Because they were played non-stop on the radio, they deserve the lashing they're about to get. Justice is about to be served.

Let's cue the garbage...

Rich Gang 'Lifestyle'
Migos 'Handsome & Wealthy'
I grouped these two songs together for a few reasons. One, they're equally horrible. Two, they represent a genre who supplied the majority of shitty music in '14. Three, I can't understand a word that either of these ass clowns are saying. I set my alarm to Power 105 in the AM and guess what I usually woke up to? This toxic waste. No wonder I was aggravated before I even set foot in the shower. Twenty years ago, I was listening to a young, illmatic Nas. 'Ready To Die', arguably the greatest hip-hop album ever dropped. The Wu were branching out with their solo projects after their monumental debut. Two decades later, I'm listening to rappers who sound like they have down syndrome. Seriously, these idiots aren't even audible. I've listened to the chorus of 'Lifestyle" carefully and I made out three words, max. Rap world, this is unacceptable. Step your effin' game up.

Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX 'Fancy'
First things first, you're the wackest. Have you heard this fraud speak in an interview? SHE'S AUSTRAILIAN. Why is she sounding so stereotypically 'urban' on all of her wack ass songs? This is a straight-up mockery of the culture and I won't stand for it. I feel bad for Charli XCX's fine ass who had to try and save this shit with the only thing salvageable about it, the chorus. Even with the vailiant effort, this was still a fail. Oh yeah, I hated 'Black Widow' too, beeyotch.

Jessi J feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj 'Bang Bang'
The inclusion of this song is important because A) I hate the song and B) I hated everything the featured artists dropped last year. 'Problem', 'Break Free', 'Anaconda'... HATED IT ALL. How anyone can listen to Ariana Grande's voice without their ears bleeding is beyond me. Nicki sounding like a psycho slut on every record? Yawn. And then this catastrophe. Save yourself from these pitiful puppets, Jessi J. Good thing I don't own a firearm or it would be 'bang bang' for real for real. *thug voice*

Pitbull feat. Ke$ha 'Timber'
Pitbull, mi primo! Que paso? For years, you've entertained the universe with your electric energy. But last year? No bueno. Your chants of 'Dale' were finally starting to get stale. Your beat selection, usually top notch, was bottom shelf. And then you got this trashy hoe to sing this horrible hook. Your last album, 'Globalization', was a sign that there might be a sudden end to your Cuban reign. I know this song wasn't on there but it was still the biggest turd you dropped in '14. Ay Dios mio.

Magic! 'Rude'
Just what I wanted to hear, a bunch of reggae-influenced Canadians whining about their future father-in-law. No wonder he doesn't want you to marry his daughter... because of garbage like this. Shit, I'd be rude too if this was my potential son-in-law's plea. I have a handful of Caribbean-themed songs on my iPod but I can assure you, this ain't one of them. The real magic would be if we could make these fucktards disappear.

Jason Derulo 'Trumpets'
Can this guy dance? Sure. Am I hating on him because he was boning that goddess Jordin Sparks? Maybe a lil. But that doesn't change the fact that this is one of the most poorly-written songs in recent memory. 'Is it weird that your ass remind me of a Kanye West song?' Yes, it's fuckin' weird. And borderline homosexual. Why the hell would you write (or sing) such a thing? The songwriter should be banned from ever lifting a pen in his lifetime.

John Legend 'All Of Me'
And here is where the female demographic loses their shit. I fully expect riots over this selection but guess what? I DON'T CARE. Let's call a spade a spade. I love a beautiful ballad as much as the next person, but this overly sappy, insincere ode to his overrated wife? No thank you. I want that Luther-type shit, feel me? I'm sure this song will be played at weddings for years to come, and if you're planning to play this at your ceremony and you want me there, I'M NOT COMING.

OK, let me stop there. I feel my blood pressure rising and I'm not trying to catch a heart attack over a blog. While I take some deep breaths, I hope you enjoy the rest of the day, especially my fellow NYers who are 'snowed in'. *Rolls eyes* Peace, punks.

My favorite 30 songs of 2014

...and here's the BIG ONE!

Hmm... you don't look excited :-/

While you build up some energy, I'll say this: As the new year approaches and everyone prepares their resolutions that won't last until February, I salivate at the chance to display my favorite songs to the entire universe. Or my mom. Whatever. I love making this list. I love sharing this list. I love reading it more times than I'm willing to admit after it's done. I just love it.

A refresher for those who haven't read this post before... this is a list of my favorite songs of the past year. See that word there? Favorite? That's the key word right thurr (#chingy). My favorite songs are not always the best songs. Shit, I would argue they hardly ever are. But I am an equal opportunity song selector, so along with your usual high-quality jams, you'll get some guilty pleasures that would make even the most confident man blush. I put careful consideration into this list, tracking the songs I frequently play on my iPod and jotting them down throughout the year. Once December dwindles down, I start finalizing the list and prepare it to get presented to the public.

And the time has come to unveil the magic.

An added note, which is sad, actually... When I first started this list, it was a top 50. Then last year I slimmed it down to 40 because I wanted to write more about each entry. Well, that and music sucks now. Guess what happened to music in 2014? It sucked more than the year before. This is a far too familiar trend that has happened for at least the past ten years. So with much disgust, I say that this year, I shrunk the list even more, down to my favorite 30 songs. And I'll be honest, even that was a challenge. I don't care who you are in the industry, whether you're a platinum-selling artist, a CEO at a giant label or a damn intern sending out e-mail blasts to a bunch of local fucktards... I hate you all. Do better, or this sacred list will become a top 5 next year.

Ok no more nonsense... here is my favorite songs of 2014! Enjoy!

30. Echosmith 'Cool Kids'
I love when artists make songs about me & my friends

29. Romeo Santos feat. Drake 'Odio'
The moment you realize a Canadian rapper speaks better Spanish than your Latino ass

28. Taylor Swift 'Welcome To New York'
Welcome to New York? No, welcome to my heart, you beautiful, blonde beast

27. Sheppard 'Geronimo'
Can you feel my love? Bombs away in this bitch!

26. Sia 'Chandelier'
Who knew a song about alcoholism would make me wanna drink a brewski and start interpretive dancing?

25. Drake 'Trophies'
I do listen to rap occasionally

24. Coldplay 'A Sky Full Of Stars'
The only way I'm ever listening to Chris Martin is over a funky dance beat

23. Kid Cudi 'Satellite Flight'
Would've been higher except I saw him in concert and he didn't do an encore. Not cool, Cudi

22. Shakira feat. Carlinhos Brown 'La La La'
21. Aloe Blacc & David Correy 'The World Is Ours'
My world cup-themed treadmill anthems

20. Ed Sheeran 'Sing'
And they say gingers can't get funky

19. Tove Lo 'Habits'
I shazamed this song while in a bar in Feb. Welcome to the party six months later, sleepyheads

18. Taylor Swift 'New Romance'
It might be a new romance but it's a real romance. I love you, Taylor Swift

17. Alicia Keys feat. Kendrick Lamar 'It's On Again'
The best part about 'The Amazing Spider Man 2'

16. E-40 feat. T-Pain, Kid Ink & B.o.B 'Red Cup'
Most of the time I like intelligent rap. The other times I like shit like 'booty big enough to put a red cup on it'

15. Fabolous feat. Ryan Leslie 'Lay Down'
'The Soul Tape 3' was the mixtape of the year. I only heard about 3 but still

14. Tinashe feat. Schoolboy Q '2 On'
Added this just so I could say MUSTARD ON THE BEAT, HOE

13. Paramore 'Ain't It Fun'
The song that finally got me to stop crying to my mama

12. Kendrick Lamar 'I'
A rap song with a positive message? *gasp* THIS is what we need in 2015

11. Hozier 'Take Me To Church'
As someone who has not visited a holy house in quite some time, I can appreciate the title

10. Michael Jackson 'Love Never Felt So Good'
My favorite artist of all-time... Michael Jackson. I feel confident that that answer will remain the same until the day that I die. After MJ died years ago, I thought I was done being delighted by new MJ material. While I still have the classic MJ jams on repeat, this gem is just another to add to my enormous collection. Love never felt so good, and MJ never sounded so great. RIP to the king.

9. B.o.B 'Coastline'
When I'm naming my favorite hip-hop artists, I never mention B.o.B. And maybe he's not one of them. But every year, he always ends up on my favorite songs list. There's an honesty in his music... a truth that is absent in a lot of current rap. 'Maybe I'm blind by human desire or human design.' I mean, WHOA. You're not getting that type of insight in a Young Thug song.

8. Eminem feat. Sia 'Guts Over Fear'
I know Eminem has been a monster on the mic for over 15 years, mainstream-wise. But it took his most recent compilation, and more specifically this song, to make me realize he is easily a top 5 all-time MC. Yes, he's done his share of underdog anthems but that doesn't take away from the awesomeness of this one. Plus it's the perfect hook for Sia's emo ass. Bravo, man.

7. Fitz & The Tantrums 'The Walker'
Saw these guys open for Bruno Mars in 2013 (have I mentioned how delightful that concert was?) and knew they would eventually break out. Well, they did, and in a big way. 'Oh! Here we go! Feel it in my soul!' EFF YEAH. Sometimes it's that simple, folks.

6.  J. Cole 'Love Yourz'
You would be a fool if you didn't consider J. Cole one of rap's biggest talents. For years, he has shown glimpses of why he deserved to be considered in such high regard. However, he was lacking that one album that people could point to as indisputable evidence. Finally, he delivered. Not only was '2014 Forest Hills Drive' easily his best project, but it was also the genre's finest offering of the year. His simple message on this track... to love and appreciate what you have... is simple, yet escapes many of us. The reminder is appreciated.

5. Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne 'Rather Be'
Every time I'm catching a Mets game at Citi Field on a warm summer night, sipping on a delicious, cold brewski, I think to myself... why isn't there a song that sums up how I am feeling right now? How, out of any place in the entire world, I would rather be right here in this perfect paradise? I think you can guess what I'll be listening to on the 7 train next season.

4. Maroon 5 'Lost Stars'
My favorite movie of the year starred Adam Levine. Yes, that's something I thought I'd never say. But 'Begin Again' was that SHIT. Indie singer/songwriter tunes with my hometown as it's backdrop? Highly recommend it. This song was the crown jewel of a spectacular soundtrack. 'Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?' Sing it, you lil bearded divo.

3. Taylor Swift 'Shake It Off'
2014 will always be remembered as the year I fell in love with Taylor Swift. As recently as a few months ago, I couldn't stand her. I hated the way she dropped an album every year, only to whine about some bitch boy who broke her heart. But this new Taylor? That's bae. My favorite song off my favorite album of the year, which also doubles as my favorite video of the year. The trifecta. And you deserve it, boo.

2. Katy Perry feat. Juicy J 'Dark Horse'
Just to make 2014 any stranger... if you would've asked me 12 months ago which entertainers I hated the most, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry would've comfortably been in my top 5. And now they both have songs in my top 3. I remember the disappointment I felt when I shazamed this and saw that it was Katy Perry. I felt abused. But I can't lie, addictive song. Plus one of my proudest achievements of 2014 was memorizing Juicy J's verse. You win for now, Perry.

1. Pharrell Williams 'Happy'
If you know me, you know there's no other choice. And I don't care if you're sick of it. I've heard it several thousand times myself and guess what? I WANT MORE. Isn't good music supposed to make you feel... good? When people say music sucks now, what they really mean is there's no feeling. You know what I like feeling? Muthafuckin' happy. Thank you, Pharrell, for proving that you could still have a massive hit without having a negative impact on society. Now lose the giant hat and let's focus on having an equally happy 2015.

Until next year, I bid you adieu. Let's just hope I have enough good songs to choose from.

NFL CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP PREDICTIONS!

Brady. Rodgers. Wilson. Luck?

Yes, Andrew Luck. Talking about making the leap. Luck and his Colts knocked off the Broncos in upset fashion last week, to the chagrin of many, including myself, as a Denver win would've had my playoff record at an impressive 7-1. The loss caused major ripples in the Denver sea, including the team mutually agreeing to part ways with head coach John Fox (or in other words, they fired his ass). Really wanted to see Peyton try to get that elusive second ring which seems to be the only thing keeping him from being considered the greatest quarterback of all-time. Greatest regular season QB ever? Sure. But with so many epic signal callers in the past (and present), it's tough to put Peyton on the top of that list with such a mediocre postseason history.

While the Colts were a mild surprise, the other teams are usual suspects. Brady and his Pats are more than familiar with this stage, winning three rings and playing in the big game five times since 2002. (refresher, those two losses were to my NEW YORK GIANTS! Weeeheeee!) Rodgers and the Pack took home the hardware in 2010 and have had multiple playoff appearances since. Russ Wilson and the Seahawks are looking to be the first team to go back-to-back since the Pats ten years ago. Can Luck make the Super leap? Lots of intriguing storylines going into today.

And the picks...

PATRIOTS over Colts
So I guess this answers my last question. Andrew Luck is now comfortably in the upper echelon of current QB's after two impressive playoff wins. While a win against the Bengals isn't an incredible feat, to beat a rested, heavily-favorited Denver team and do it on the road was a head-turner. Sure, Indy's defense (and Peyton's horrible arm) had a lot to do with the victory, but with Luck at the healm, any game is winnable. Beating the Pats in New England in January would be a tough task for anyone, let alone a young QB still getting his postseason feet wet. As much as I don't want to see it, I expect the golden boy and hoody to confuse Luck enough to win by a touchdown.

SEAHAWKS over Packers
I know I'm going chalk here but doesn't a Pats/Hawks Super Bowl seem inevitable? Trust me, I'd much rather see Colts/Packers but I can't see it, especially not in this game. A hobbled Rodgers was enough to conquer the Cowgirls last week (Thank God) but this isn't a home came against a notoriously underwhelming team. This is a road test against Seattle's vaunted defense, on the verge of a repeat appearance to the big show. Don't think Rodgers has enough legs... and I don't think Green Bay's defense has enough cojones to stop Young Russ. I'll be cheering for stud WR's Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb, celebrated members of my fantasy teams the past two years, but I see the Hawks winning easily.

So there you have it... two of the final three games of the NFL season. I'll be back in two weeks with my SUPER BOWL PREDICTION! Enjoy the games, amigos.

* THE FIRST ANNUAL PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD *

I have a lot more blogs coming up... including the long awaited top songs of 2014 list (I swear, it's coming!) but in between I want to introduce to you a new tradition. A tradition that honors one person... a trend-setter, a game-changer... who deserves to be recognized for their great achievements of the past year.

I can almost guarantee that most years, this person will not be an entertainer. Why? Because 99% of them are worthless. And the 1% that is worth breathing are doing what they should be doing anyway... entertaining us properly. No extra accolades for doing your job, asshole. Also safe to say this person will not be a politician, for similar reasons. In this year's case, the person of the year is just an average Joe just like you and I (although to be fair, I'm probably a bit cooler than you). I want to lie and say there were plenty of good candidates but I did not have to put much thought into this because there was only one person that came to mind.

I'm gonna warn you... the person of the year is a man... who laid his hands on a woman. This is the time where you're thinking it's Ray Rice, that fuck face who spat on his fiancée before slapping her unconscious and dragging her out of a hotel elevator. To which I say NOOOOO, it is not him. What kind of sick animal do you think I am? That was a disgusting act that made me ashamed of ever owning him on one of my fantasy teams. I hate you, Ray Rice.

No, this man laid his hands on a woman, but he did it for the benefit of humankind. Although I am sure he did not intend to be, he is indeed a hero, who with one slap waged war against bullies and chickenheads who have been lurking this Earth for way too long.

2014's person of the year is Jorge Pena.

If you're not from New York, the name may not ring a bell. Shit, the name may not be immediately familiar to my fellow city dwellers. But Mr. Pena needs to be universally known for his act of courage. Jorge was riding the F train, presumably minding his own business, when a trio of birds who lacked home training started verbally attacking his choice of wardrobe. Being the gentleman that he is, Mr. Pena ignored this barrage, keeping his cool and letting these young shits embarrass themselves. But then the leader(?) of the pack got aggressive with the dude who was shooting all of this on his phone, aggressively knocking the phone out of his hand. That's when Jorge put on his cape and came to the rescue.

If you're impatient, I posted the clip below, and if you've seen it before, you know how this ends. Jorge questions why she would do that, she responds, he calls her a bitch, and she hits him. Then magic happens. Jorge cocks back and delivers a slap that sends Danay Howard several feet back. The slap heard around the world. Even the original clip is titled so perfectly... 'man slaps the soul out of girl on the NY subway'. Congrats, Danay. You are now known as the idiot who tried to bully a 6 foot 5 inch bouncer and ended up with a giant handprint on your face, as well as being a joke on the internet for years to come. I'm sure your parents are proud.

To many, this was just an ordinary slap, a normal scuffle that takes place too often if you ride the subway out here, especially at night. But this was much deeper than that. In fact, this was deeper than rap (that doesn't make sense, it just sounds cool). Let me explain.

The slap helped spark the discussion about what should be the proper actions of a man after he is struck by a woman first. I believe in equality for all, regardless of gender. If you're a woman applying for a job and you are equally qualified as a man, you deserve equal consideration. If you're a woman doing the same job as a man, you deserve the same pay. And finally, if you hit a man first, you deserve to get your ass hit back. It's that simple. Equality is not a one-way street that can be used for convenience. You live by equality, you die by equality. Or you get slapped by it.

More importantly, the slap put the spotlight on these hood rats who run around the city starting trouble. So many times, I've seen these morons make a scene and watch them do it with no consequence. Not this time, not while young Jorge is around. That's why watching this clip is so sweet. Jorge Pena is an avenger... a freedom fighter... who is the closest thing this weak ass generation will get to a civil rights movement. Rosa Parks sat and stood up to segregation. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke for a voiceless population. In 2014, we'll have to settle for a Dominican immigrant slapping the shit out of a ratchet hoe.

With that said, thank you, Jorge, for your tremendous act... and hopefully chickenheads worldwide will act just a little bit more civilized because of your infamous slap.

NFL DIVISIONAL ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS! (PART 2)

It's January 11th. My birthday is officially over. I mean, of COURSE I'm still celebrating today. Birthday weekend, DUH! But I have a lil bit more time to get into today's picks.

I'm sure you noticed that through the first six games of the playoffs, I'm 5-1. Give it up to your boy, for real. The best part is I got the game I felt least confident about out the way when New England came back and beat Baltimore, although a part of me wish I would've gotten that pick wrong so I could see that lil fuck boy Tom Brady pack his bags. But whatever.

Very excited about today's slate. The two teams I want to see in the Super Bowl play later so it's a no-brainier to pick them to advance. Heart over head sometimes.

And away... we... go...

PACKERS over Cowboys

I have vested interest in this game, as I absolutely despise Dallas. I watched last week as what I thought was gonna be a colossal blow-out turned into a nail-biter. The Cowgirls, with the help of one of the worst non-calls I've seen in some time, effed up just a lil less than choking ass Detroit. That was at Dallas. And yes, I know they're undefeated on the road this year. But this isn't just any road game. This is Lambeau field, muthafuckas. In freezing January, I might add. Against a tested group of veterans. Unless Aaron Rodgers calf snaps in two, Dallas has no shot.

BRONCOS over Colts

Not feeling that confident on this pick, to be honest. As a proud owner of Andrew Luck in fantasy this year, I know firsthand that this dude has been ballin' all season. He continued his hot streak with a thrashing of the Bengals last week. But at the end of the day, talent usually wins out and although Indy has some star power, nobody can match Denver position by position. Does Peyton Manning revert to his usual post-season self at some point? Yeah, probably. But not tonight. CJ Anderson has been doing most of the heavy lifting the last few weeks. I expect that to continue tonight.

Here's to going 7-1 after tonight. Cheers, bitches.

NFL DIVISIONAL ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS! (PART 1)

Let me keep it real. Today is my birthday. I'm at citi field at the Queens baseball convention. I just shook hands with my all-time favorite met, Mookie Wilson. This is going to be brief.

I'm never too busy to remind you I went 3-1 last week, with my only loss being the game I felt least confident about (Ravens over Steelers). It's not good enough. This week, I go 4-0. Perfection begins now.

PATRIOTS over Ravens

Again, there's only one game this weekend that I don't feel great about, and this is the one. As successful as New England has been in the postseason, Baltimore actually has history on their side. Could definitely see Flacco and crew pulling the mild upset but when in doubt, go with the hooded yoda.

SEAHAWKS over Panthers

Easily the game I feel most confident about. Frankly, I don't give Carolina much of a shot here. They snuck into the playoffs, beating an overrated Atlanta team and then surviving Ryan Lindley's Cardinals. To say this is a huge step up in competition is an understatement. This has all the makings of a huge Marshawn Lynch game. Give me Seattle and give me Seattle big.

Part 2 will be posted tomorrow. Bye bitches!

NFL Wild Card Weekend Predictions!

First off... HAPPY NEW YEAR, SMUTS!

If this is the first time you've been insulted in 2015, pat yourself on the back, you over-privileged lil turd. And digest that second insult while you're at it. (BTW, my new year's resolution was to be nicer. So much for that.)

I know I haven't posted since February. But new year... same me. Let's not pretend that this year is going to be any different. I always post heavy in January, only to fizzle out by March. I make no promises that I'll be able to keep up throughout the year so enjoy these posts while they're here.

The good news is... I come bearing predictions! This was one of the staple's of this blog when I first created it so I decided to bring it back because... really, I was bored as shit this morning. But my boredom is your delight! Now let's stop the foreplay and get straight to the action.

PANTHERS over Cardinals

We see this often enough. A team gets into the playoffs with a mediocre record because they won their shitty division, only to be rewarded with a home game and, usually, a victory. In some cases, it comes as a huge upset, like Seattle did to New Orleans in 2011. In this case, Carolina is nearly a touchdown favorite over the Ryan Lindley(?!?) led Cardinals. It is entirely possible that Carolina blew their load last week, with their 34-3 torching of the suspect Falcons. It is probable, however, that Lindley takes a massive shit all over BOA stadium as the Panthers defense realizes their potential from last year.

STEELERS over Ravens

This is the prediction I feel least confident about, so don't bite my head off if I'm wrong. With star running back Le'veon Bell sidelined, it will be up to Big Ben to light up the Baltimore secondary. And that is exactly what I plan for him to do. Antonio Brown and Martavius Bryant should dominate tonight and maybe undrafted rookie Josh Harris gives them enough of a punch to hold on. If Pittsburgh advances and Bell is able to return, this will officially become the team you don't want to face going forward.

COLTS over Bengals

And now to the game I feel the most confident about. Did you see last year's playoffs? The one that Andrew Luck led his team back from a 28-point deficit against the Chiefs? Or the one that Andy Dalton completely SUCKED in again? I know there will be numerous big names on the field for this game... TY Hilton and AJ Green, to name two... but nowhere will there be as big of a mismatch as at the quarterback position. Have ultimate faith in Luck, who followed up his playoff success last year with a massive statistical year this season. Dalton? Still waiting for his first playoff win. And he will keep waiting after this weekend.

COWBOYS over Lions

If you only knew how much I want to pick against the Cowboys here. I was hoping perennial chokers Dallas would face a stiff test in the first round of the playoffs. But noooooooo. The Lions are not short of talent, but somehow the sum of their parts is less than their equal. (I am 98% sure that didn't make any sense.) The only hope Detroit has is that their pass rush rattles Romo, but with Dallas sporting one of the, if not the best offensive line in the game, I expect the Cowboys' offense to put up some serious points. In the second round, I guarantee I am picking against Dallas... but for now, give me the Cowboys, and I don't think it will be close.

First post of 2015 in the books! Lots of good shit to follow, though. My annual 'favorite songs of the year' countdown, favorite album of the year (guarantee you will never guess), worst songs of 2014 (so many to name), as well as more NFL playoff predictions. So stay tuned, amigos!